333 days of death part1 (Sol-9771)

It was a while ago, when i went into the deep swirl of holes and moles i dug for myself. this last phase of my long experience of mourn was caused by lots and lots of events that i personally created across times and spaces and reflections. I am not here to write down the history of the journey i took, rather the lessons of it that i learned.


Day 247:Depression of a lifetime: where it all began

It started in my childhood years...when i was in kindergarten still...i had to go to the "school", or rather i was taken there by force by my parents...it was a place where lots of similarly aged kids were under survailance of adults...and that was the first time i was given a seperate-from-me identity, i can't remember the sign but i was given a sign and a place to store my stuff (cabinet) and I was forced on a time schedule, i had to do what they asked me to, and had to not do certain things when they ordered it to. i really didn't like it, because before i was only getting help in the means of physical support at home, being taught how to do things, with my body, how to wear clothes, or eat, but not much, mostly i was left alone or with my brother to do whatever whenever i wanted.


Day 246: statement of situation

Knowing something, and doing something, seems different, feels different and sepearte from each other.
while when i take a real self-honest look, whatever i don't do something, essentially i don't know that thing in the confines of that moment in time.
I mean that whatever i did not incorporate into myself and as a living participation or principle or application that i do breath by breath, is only a non existent information stored and categorized and held onto it's place by energy.
anything that i "keep in my head" instead of writing it down is just that, information that is held onto by energy in and as me as my mind.
of course this can be used effectively as a buffer to incorporate it into the body and live within and as it, thus everything having a walking in time process to be doing the above, yet i know there are a lot of things i purposely keep in the buffer without "trying" or starting to write it into and as myself.
because i don't yet allow myself to see understand and fully realise how this works in and as myself, i fear from this unknown process.
I noticed this when i started to understand that what i write or speak as commitments do not matter but rather the act of actually walking it in real time doing the thing i wrote, and keeping myself to it.
thus i "developed" fears and resistance against it, with taking them lightly and kinda forgetting about what i wrote. then now this point got as big as to refraining from writing them down.
i made it so i actually block myself and blank myself off, and without major efforts and steps taken against going into it, i succeed in the sabotage and just give up and get into bed and silently deeply inside cry to sleep victimizing myself and stating that i will do it tomorrow.

I realize HERE is no tomorrow, or yesterday or today either. here is only me. anything else is a justification and a generated illusion.

now i could have written this into a txt document and save it only on my hard drive and only make public the SF and SCS on such point or others, yet what i see is that without this self-investigation phase it's way too sterile, and lacking the process of my talking to myself in this writing form to open the point and see and crack open them.
it takes the same amount of time whether i share it or not, so seriously i don't care about writing it up here. i want to keep it here. after all i write this for me, not for any audience, thus i want to see these together, one after another.
i know i prefer elaborating on points and it makes such exploratory writings LOOOOONG, yet this shows myself the best method for showing my string of understanding, getting from point-to-point, exploring the relationships of them and writing the whole line of strings i attached from wanting to go to sleep to the point of fearing to unleash the true potential of myself essentially fear of myself.

thus from now on i commit myself to write full procedures here on my blogs, not caring about seperating exploration from application and solution finding, because it's ONE journey and all parts are EQUALLY important and necessary for me to walk. thus it is here where i stop limping on one leg.

einjoy. (enjoy-in-joy with me)


Day 245: Just one more please - Irresponsibility Pt. 4

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "I can allow myself to slack just this one more time" and thus negate any attempts that i were to do to take responsibility for something
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to bargain with myself within and as thoughts memories and justifications in order to clear my conscience about skipping the taking of responsibility which i planned before.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use my memories, thoughts, feelings AS justifications and examples to bargain with myself
I forgive myself for NOT accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realize that all this bargaining and justifying the skipping of taking the responsibilities i have is actually abusing myself while also hiding the self abuse from being noticed/realized
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself to achieve less responsibilities to be taken and to generate more energy for my mind with giving up my defining will and let myself be/become posessed by the mind within and as feeling emotions and thoughts.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to Give up my self directive power based on all the justifications and reasoning in order to feel alive by experiencing thoughts feelings and emotions within and AS the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define being alive as experiencing thoughts feelings and emotions within and as the mind
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to WANT/desire to feel alive and give power to this feeling in order that it can take over my decisions and thus provide the other parts of the mind to posess me creating a self feeding loop and endless irresponsibility without my intermission.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to RESIST the realizing of the creation and involvement in such self feeding chain of obsession, based on the lack of understanding of what it means to be alive.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify my lack of understanding of being alive with the self imposed definition of "i feel alive" and all the relexive energy based feelings the mind as me created in order to mask the real irresponsibility of realizing and actually defining what and who i am based on principles of reality.

next up and commitments...


Day 244: selfish joy - Irresponsibility Pt.3

continuing on ...

representation of what i looked like :)
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "what should i do to postpone what i have to do" and believe that i have to evade my responsibilities in any way i can, or i will suffer.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking responsibility and doing the tasks i agreed to do.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself when agreeing to complete a task when i was completely aware that i will not want to complete it, and will do anything i can to postpone or evade doing it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire evading responsibility
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel good/positive about evading responsibility and postponing my agreed tasks
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to find an entertaining activity to participate within to keep the good feeling alive longer and thus justify my actions with the mentality of "i just wanted to have fun!"


Day 243: Skills acquired? - Irresponsibility Pt.2

Previously i written an overview about the story of my irresponsible behaviors, so i am looking into it in detail, walking it's line in time.
My first encounter was at home with it. my mother was at home all day long watching TV and smoking whenever i saw her, thus i thought she does nothing else, and although i tried to evade her presence because i hated the smell of the cigs, i had to bear it many times.
and what i saw is that she were just sitting around doing very little physical work just enjoying herself and being okay with it, not happy but "fine". We lived from the money my father brought home and it was plenty for the 4 of us in the middle class kind of way, so i learned that doing nothing and just enjoying myself is acceptable when i got somebody ELSE to take care of me, and because i was fairly young 6-13 i knew they WILL take care of me so "why not enjoy it?" kind of way i incorporated this attitude based on hers and didn't really care about schoolwork, almost never did my homework assignments, played all day outside or on my computer, or did my hobbies, or sports, sightseeing, photographing, modelling.

and while i took responsibility for what i enjoyed at the time, like basketball or photographing, i kinda passed those that i did not deem worth my time. and this shows that this irresponsible behavior are tied into the want-desire of joy, so when i had enough of joy for the day i could do my other stuff.
Of course across time i changed the stuff i took responsibility based on this concept of what i enjoy i will do as best i can, and that changed with the broadening of the topics and information i acquired.
for example i hated learning the german language based on the teacher and the methods, so i didn't learn it, then when we changed school and i had to learn english instead and got sent to an extra 1-on-1 courses with a nice and understanding teacher, i did learn to enjoy it based on my desire to understand the computer games i played in english, while lagging with the assignments, i did learn it very well.

on another note, my 2 and a half year older brother also infused the irresponsibility into himself and thus i copied him too about how to evade stuff i don't want to do and how to get more hobbies i like to. This lead to me perfecting the "how to be irresponsible without people noticing it" ways and because i was clever i could almost get away with the least amount of work, of course no one took pride in me, but i never got how that would provide something for them so i just didn't care about everyone being disappointed with my grades and attitudes, because i didn't get any harm based on it, they just got resigned to me not being a good student, or a nice person. and this strengthened my belief that it's more than okay to live life like this. so i kept on going.

After years and years of practicing, being irresponsible became a second nature for me, i didn't even had to think about finding ways of evading being responsible, it was naturally the obvious way for me. i could not see any other way of living from 13-20. of course this lead to at the end to leaving the university prematurely, and creating a romantic relationship based on huge lies and misinforming of the other.

I could list my faults and mistakes and views about the points i encountered along my time, yet this is not the place for it...this is not about telling the story, rather to take responsibility for being irresponsible, thus the next posts will be forgiveness and correction of such views and beliefs and attitudes on these events, thus finally learning my lessons that life showed me.

Day 242: Irresponsibility Pt.1

When i finally started looking into the how and when i started being irresponsible in my life, it was really interesting that i could not really pinpoint it, so i put it away for later, not taking responsibility to look deeper or further. i did not motivate myself nor pushed myself to look into it.
Now i see that i only did this because as it turns out i was irresponsible from the beginning of my conscious childhood. thus the fact that i could not pinpoint the starting date or event is because across even my first 14 years of life i have been in an environment where i copied irresponsibility from my parents, and thus infused it into "myself" as who i am, and thus breaking and opening up such a point has plenty of resistance in front of it.