Day 162: Drowning in time...shift

My whole day today showed me that i accept and allow myself to "drift" in time.
First came a series of videos where the protagonist lives the past lives of it's ancestors, then came an episode from star trek voyager, where they encountered a planet where on the surface the time were 100times faster than normal and the ship has influenced in religion and culture...then this song after "lost"hours of activity:


Day 159-161: sleeping in the Lion's den

(not just demonic but sexy as well)
This vacation here is really supportive...even when i'm not aware of it. As i'm "forced" to get back here where i lived with my relatives before this school.

What i realised is that many of my points are brought up as reflected by them back to me, or in the way i react to them and stopping myself from reacting and breathing here sometimes i given myself difficult times to do it. we had the family dinner and meeting thing already and today i seemed to spiral into plenty of points where i fell or at least i showed such things to me.


Day 158: 13 Days of doom

Today has been a really interesting day for me, because i have a lot of things going on.
As I'm living in a collage dormitory, we were informed that the dorm will be closed from 21st of dec. till 2nd of jan. quite a coincidence...thus were ordered to plug all electric things, close the pipes ect. and leave. what i was interested about is that in the system i saw that i have to pay a full mont's fee for december while i only lived 21days in the facility, so when i went up to the financial manager, she just stated, you have to pay it because "the wole school will be closed down not just the dorm, if it would be just the dorm you wouldn't have to pay all." so because it is common sense that there is no common sense in this statement i did not stop to argue over such ridiculus thing of ~20$ from the 50$ rent cost.


Day 157: It's the last time...!

Swearing on something or making promises never make things happen. Reality shows that things only "happen" when someone dooes something. so it's never a "happening" because it is directed/created by a being (human or animal, aware or not alike). So if I do not do something, then that will not happen by chance, or by me saying "i won't do it again!", I can see this has been overly repeated in the past by millions of people both big and small, high or low, and it never worked.

What does work is taking the necessary steps and directing oneself and actually doing the stuff. This process here is just the same. I can talk anything if i am not doing anything...it does not matter.


Day 156: For-Giving me Before...

here's the self-forgiveness expanded on the points discussed in these posts:
Day 153: Last-minute F(l)ight
Day 154: Constant Output
Day 155: The Test of reality

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and do actions based on other people judged as seperate from me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge other biengs that i precieve seperate, to be seperate from me, and to allow myself to give away my responsibilities by participating within and doing actions based on my judgements of others.


Day 155: The Test of reality

this is a continuation of the previous posts:
Part 1:Last Minute F(l)ight
Part 2:Constant output

Here's arrived the time to go trough the exams on the end of this semester...where I have to proove that trtough the 5 months of education i have acquired the information and knowledge said to me, and am capable of giving it back exactly the same.


Day 154: Constant Output

this is a continuation of the previous post Day 153:Last minute F(l)ight

While investigating myself further  in this point of evading responsibility i found out that based on those fears and judgements i've created yet another addiction within me that is closely related to the energy addiction, which is the "rush hour" syndrome.


Day 153: Last-minute F(l)ight

(abrupt recitation:where "uhm" and "stuff" is in every sentence)
In elementary school in 3rd grade in mid september, i had an experience which basically I used to justify and define myself according to regarding doing anything. i mean producing something like essays or homework or crafts or anything of creation, and not just the ones that were demanded/asked of me, even when i did my own projects for myself i still applied the same attitude towards it.

Day 152: Equalising Actions

In the past two weeks i've been working with myself on the point of procratrination and lazyness, had some issues with internet connection yet i do not use that as an excuse to not writing.

Here i stand as change, and i changed my application to writing sparing more time and structure into writing out myself. With the assistance of such writings i am able to see understand and realise myself regarding this point of procrastination/lazyness.


Day 151: sinking in...

I've experienced many times the way i suck in myself into something, and i did touched this point in a previous post regarding attention yet i did not work on this particular one.

So even with breathing and bringing myself here, i tend to focus on the particular thing i'm doing and "forget" about time and other things that come "due" while i'm doing that thing. altough here are moments where i "come to the surface" liek a whale and exactly aware of the ocean and the fact i'm going underwater, yet i still get back down.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see understand and realise that i am evading to work on the point of escaping from responsibilities by occupying myself with something that is low in priority and does not allows much "advance" in my process.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on how much support i GET from the activities i participate within and as and also to judge the activities.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not give assistance and support to myself equally and judge myself as not worthy for it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to evaluate myself based on subjected self-oppinions and judgements.


Day 150: Jumping in...writing

it is 5 months since i started to write these journey to life blogs dayly. i had days where i missed so it's actually more than that. and it definately supports me, yet here i had to realise that it is not enough for walking this process.


Day 149: Motivation or Direction?

There are really tons of hipothesises and theories about human behaviour, part of it is fiddleing about why we humans do what we do, trying to explain behaviours and reactions based on happened examples.
In schools we even learn about this stuff, how "big thinkers" "developed" systems and descriptions to categorise and define the motive of someone doing something.


Day 148: I'm no subject!

Meaning that i am not subjected to outside forces that i have no correlation to.
there is even a saying "it all starts in the head" which states that every happening or action or event or moment really starts a process of data processing in the mind and there is oppinions views judgements sides and memories of it.

Day 147: The lack of body-awareness

Today in the morning i had to face an event where i had to decide. I had to choose between taking care and consideration for my body or passing one of my class. because we were told to run 12mins as a test outside in 1°C in 16km/h wind.


Day 146: Creating Distractions

So while working on the points of resistance and points where i do not realise them, i see that actually i made this easy by creating tons of distractions for myself to "be engaged" with and just pass time and really don't do anything.


Day 145: Right to Fight or Right to Flight?

this is a following of the previous post here

I've been seeing this mentality in front of my eyes all the time, and been in it also, yet i've never actually realised it. It's a common concept that when an animal/human gets to a certain situation a deep instinct activates (lol) and it will bring forth a "Fight or Flight" REACTION from it and the situation and the outcome will become really unpredictable, and sudden, and RANDOM.


Day 144:Resisting to Realise Resistance

Resistance is intself a slippery ground yet for me...and i had to realise that i even resist to realise them. which is making a double trouble just for the sake of...comfort. because it's comforting to not work on resistances, to not solve fears, to not having to be self honest ALL the time.


Day 143: Mentoholic

here i continue with forgiving myself regarding the point of hating acohol and drinks based on fear and memories.


Day 142: DrinkeRAGE

Here are plenty of occasions when the event that's been organised is clearly just for the sake of drinking and partying. okay it's university, okay here's the club inside the dormitory, so it's really easy to access it.

Day 140: Harmony

All humans seeks it, yet again none of us have it fully. Why does Harmony is so special again? It's linked to plenty of words, and it's just like happiness and joy and relationship, it's a thing but it's a bit undefinable, for most humans.


Day 141: Luck strikes back!

While browsing trhough my life i did not see that i would be generally lucky, i mean i have not been repeatedly winning or having a fortune or getting everything i wanted to get...or it didn't come from nothing, because my father had worked for those things hard.

Day 139: Reasonless

Throughout my life, there were plenty of events that i could not explain the reason or meaning, just had to accept it's happened and it's real.


Day 138:Planned feature

Through my previous weeks of randomness i have been kind of struggling with my schedule, mostly based on events that i had to take, and other time i given myself a hard time with my points.

Day 137: Sleeping curse

For a long time in my life i have not considered sleeping an action, i mean, i do nothing while sleeping and i cannot control when and at what moment i fall asleep, so it remained a mistery.

Day 136: Clutural Conditioning - part3 - dedication

previously i have been writing about how i allowed myself to stand in-line for things or stand-out in part1 and part2.


Day 135: BE Happy please!

(2008-while shearching through my pictures
i could not find one where i was really "happy"
My first encounter with happiness is of course was shortly after i was born...altough i cannot remember it or recall it at all i know that it was the first time i got into contact with it...when the child is handed to the mother after birth she feels happy...for that one moment of seeing me...and that is the first moment where i met this point.


Day 134: CULTural CONditioning - part 2 - Ditching the con

in the previous post (part 1 - Behavior) I have discussed how i got into behaviourism and how i conditioned myself within and as my mind to keep to such rules. Yet sometimes i just got sick of it.

There are times when i realised that all these rules and unwritten(unspoken) laws are JUST to maintain control over the populus while a few can have their abusive ways. and these only condition us to be respectful and obidient towards those in powerful positions. Also I often wondered "why doesn't someone questions these?" and "if the teacher is teaching it FROM A BOOK, then why do we call them unwritten laws?they have been written down! in etiquette books and such!"

of course the answer to that is fairly simple: in the 14-18th century before printing or general education were inserted to the system (actually here just talking about the western european CULTure, because in egypt andd mesopotamia the same systems were in place already) the way writing worked was different from today. most of the people could not even read, nor write, only learnt how to speak by parents. the only ones who were taught to write and read were priests and nobles and their heirs (referred to as educated men) and quite funny that those educated youngsters were taught by teachers who taught them BY TELLING only, the only written texts were religious ones and literature later on. so these rules were only transcended by vocal means so they become unwritten laws.

The point that is never considered is that when we get to a situation that we experienced before and were conditioned to react in a certain way, we "remember" this by all those memories and recall them and react either by what we learned or the opposite.
when I get this roll-up of my memories(plenty of them) I always see the moment of the imprinting, and the moment of the consequence. and if I ONLY look at these i consider and make myself stuck in the situation and make myself believe that i can only choose two ways:to do as it's been told or do the exact opposite. within those pictures there seems no other "logical" way out of such experience. because it seems that ANYTHING ELSE than the conditioned reaction is AGAINST the conditioning. So within this i am participating in a polarity system of right/wrong, good/bad, positive/negative. moreover i consider and categorise the consequence as being gift/punishment, and of course all this while connecting and interconnecting these points and creating a big bunch of mess.

Why do i have so much memories where others conditioned my behaviour? repetition. all we know about teaching something to a being(animal or human alike) is that if i keep the same "if...then" loop then the being will incorporate it and creates a connection between and memorise it. the more you show the being, the more reinforcement it gets the more stable the connection. this is what Pavlov have been reshearching yet it was known way before him.

yet it is not about how we teach something...it's about the starting point of doing it. the starting point of culture and etiquette and laws is ONE point:CONTROL.
so the solution is the CHANGE our conditionings to meet a different starting point: EQUALITY.
this is Common Sense.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself according to what my parents repeteadly show me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to copy my parent's behaviural and cultural conditionings.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consider two outcomes of any given situation:the one i have been conditioned myself, and another against it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create and maintian the polarity construct of conditioning.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only consider a positive/negative outcome of any given event.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the reaction that i have conditioned myself through my parents/education/culture to positive/good/right.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect a reaction that is not in my conditioning of myself through my parents/education/culture to negative/bad/wrong.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to justify my reactions with my conditioning throguh parents/education/culture.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to BLAME parents/education/culture for the consequences of my reactions.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my reactions within and as what i have conditioned myself.
I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see understand and realise that I have conditioned myself to react therefore i am the only one responsible for the consequences.

i continue with committment statements next time...


Day 133: Cultural CONditioning - part 1 - Behavior

(good ol' brainwashing)
While walking and investigating the points where i stop my out-of-the-box participation and while listening to classes about habitual and behavioural "laws" and ways, i noticed that this is the next root in this system/personality that i have been creating and participating within and as.


Day 132: Get to write

so previously i havewriting the realisation of why i stopped writing so here's the realisation of why do i have to do this to walk this process.


Day 131: Important EYE's

In this body currently we put really much emphasis on our eyes, because we think ourselves as mostly visual based.
yet here i'm talking about both the term EYE as a word used to agree or tell that the passed information has been understood. it was mostly used and started from the old sailors, where the sailsmen had to react to orders to let the captain know if they heard it through a storm or else. like a feedback mechanism that made the ships organising easyer and more interactive.


Day 130: Sharing HERE - breathing

I've been all over myself, doing things that sucks me in, grabs me off my lists and plans, takes away from "the world" around me, yet here i am, and i have something to share that all must see, realise and understand.


Day 129: Acceptence?

I ended with preferring relaxation with silence but more importantly that i project my desires onto others and believe that they want the same thing too, and justifying my actions with this logic.


Day 128: Abusing self for others

I've had many thoughts and points come up where i seen myself to hold back myself from doing something.


Day 127: the Bystander Effect

While "living life" it is so easy to do the things I'm programmed to, it feels like i would just don't do anything, yet then i always do what i'm designed for: abuse.

so kinda when i'm not all about process, or full with excitement of working and realising new points, and "let myself steam off" is where i see that by accepting this kind of "let go of myself" is where i just suddenly fall back onto being a mind-slave.


Day 126: Rate of Life

the Rate here means the event/timeframe meaning how frequent a thing is.

so i've realised today that I as a human always live according to time, yet time itself is not a material holdable touchable thing therefore we measure time based on certain repeating events and we have a base of time:
SI defines the second as 9,192,631,770 cycles of the radiation that corresponds to the transition between two electron spin energy levels of the ground state of the 133Cs atom.
so we have a "basic" thing that reoccurres in a constant interval (at least from a scientific perspective) and we given it a meaning and also made it a system where there are larger and smaller volumes of it is told like minutes hours days and so on.


Day 125: system of Money

this is a continuation of  Day 120: the Weight of Money

The last two days i have been fiddleing with a program which is basically a database administrating one, that can store financial "accounts" and create statistics and plenty of other things. his name is quicken.

Day 124: A brave start

It's really not about that
In the last post (here) i've discussed the point of courage towards activities or ideas or really anything we can think of.

While looking around, this point is again in all our moves, or rather, before every move we take, and not so suprisingly none of us got education about how this works. we just use it as granted that we need to have or lack courage or bravery to do things or keep ourselves away, but as with fears, courage is REALLY useless and abusive because it is again just a shortcut from effect to conclusion without considering or investigating anything.


Day 123: Courage to stand?

Part 1
I've been seeing this point around me regarding others to themselves, and while taking back the points, i realised i do also have this in/as me.

While i've been a child, my parents treated me according to their beliefes and knowledge about childcare and parenting, which consist of a "law" which no parent want to see/realise here:"I cannot directly control my child"(or any other being really)


Day 122: Staggering

Every now and then i go into staggering while doing certain things. I know this word has plenty of meaning, i'm talking about the activity staggering, where one hesitates and staggers about starting something.

So when this starts i see some thoughts coming up and backchat too, firstly about that i just plain shoudn't do this now and then comes all the "reasons" and justifications about it, then some way of imagineing myself while doing it then judgeing THAT imagined outcome and making assumptions and decisions based on THAT which is not real.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to Stagger before starting a new task.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect myself to a task i would do and create a relationship between myself and the action/activity/task.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from a future task/activity/action.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to treat an action/activity/task that i would do in the future as it has been already done.
I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to continuosly and constantly project myself into the future and beleieve/precieve actions/activities/tasks to be in the past.
I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to create and validate the existance of a future-point of view that is seperate from here and from me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to seperate myself from this future point of view.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a seperate point-of-view and believe it to be real.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself various thoughts regarding the imaginary scenario i have created in my mind.


Day 121: Compulsory

It is an interesting "concept" we humans created, that the certain authority 'figures' allow themselves-and we to them-to make things compulsory to others.


Day 120: the Weight of Money

How heavy money is? does it matter? does debt has a weight? such questions are only arise in children before they are brainwashed into the system. i asked these too when i was young and got not really much answer to it.


Day 119: the Truth of a SocioFobic

I have been very much obsessed with truth before this process, and created whole bunch of shit just to satisfy my never ending thirst to knowledge and truth of existance.


Day 118: Stillness

Here while now staying in a small town, and not going back to the capital for the weekend, i 'have' plenty of time to examine myself and the enviroment i'm in.


Day 116-117: THE LOVE of LIES

i do not make easy to pinpoint the day/moment i started to participate in this point...this again was kinda a smooth transition as all my major fuckups, yet there were key elements/moments that ensured that my actions cause my doom, and i can't even say that i was not aware of the possible consequences i create for myself yet i just did it.


Day 115: Committed as them.

to see the context read trough the previous two posts here: Day 113, Day 114.

i realised that when looking at animals that "so cool" feeling and admiration of animals comes from the fact that they are 100% committed in what they do, in every moment, and they are here to stand as an example on how to live by principle, therefore i will not allow myself to place/believe/precieve myself less than them, because that would be only self-lie, self-dishonestie because the fact is that we are all one and equal as all. and the animal kindom states very clearly that they do not accept nor allow such abuse of self and abuse of life. so here comes my commitments regarding the posts about earlier:


Day 114: Animals are REAL

this is a continuation of the previous post: Day 113: The Power of the Moment se that for context.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that animals are seperate from me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am superior to animals, because i can think.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the thought "i am more than an animal".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see understand and realise that in the physical i am actually weaker and/or more fragile than animals.


Day 113: The power of the Moment.

Today i had to realise what awareness in the physical is really meaning, and what is the "use" of it.

I am glad that i can work with horses *for free*, i mean i have 1-2 riding sessions (45-60mins riding and more for other) per week, and while doing this the horses are really assisting and supporting me, and of course everyone equally, with any point we must face.


Day 112: Being dragged around

Plenty of times in my life i have allowed myself to condition myself according to many things, other's behaviour, reactions, enviromental factors, opportunity factors, boredness factors, excitement, just to name a few.


Day 111: the ONEs in the universe

When i look at myself, as a "one" universe, i see that actually this meaning of one thing is not really true at all.
I mean of course here is oneness which "binds us all together" because we are all one AND equal with and AS the universe/existance/ALL.


Day 110:Standing once again

I have been falling all the time in the last month...not failing but "lost" myself in aligning myself with the changed situation/enviroment and thus just acted like a death-scared animal in a forest fire. running around amok in my thoughts and systems trying to find the best possible solution FOR MYSELF ONLY which made me neglect myself and plenty of my worked points, so this shows that i had my buttons pressed and i do reacted to them.

Day 109: A Commitment...

originally written on paper on 2012-09-29 before 22:12

...is always a commitment. If i have committed myself to something even if at that moment I can't see the flaws of it, I still have to keep it (as best i am physically able to edit)otherwise I would just speak to nothingness.
So when the moment comes to keep myself to one, I see this character come up with justifications, while physically I can do it. So here I test myself all the time if I keep what i have committed myself or not.
So I utilize BREATH and push on to do them, like here i've written this small post, to write every day.

Day 108: Physical Evidence

originally written on paper on 2012-09-28 before 21:45

The days flow, the events follow each other, things happen all the time, and the more aware I am the more "in sinch" I am with the physical. when i allow myself to just "go with the flow" I do not do my responsibilities, and this is Luxury I can't afford. yes having connections, shareing myself and investigateing Life as it flows is useful, but never from a separated mind perspective!
While i was aligning myself with others, I let my responsibilities and made up justifications and lies to keep it "cool".
Anything I do in process that does not have a physical evidence is the same as it didn't happenned.
this is why this can't be done "in the mind" because that is the opposite of the physical. So living and physical application IS all what is a clear sign of REAL CHANGE.


Day 107: Power over me - part 1 - the Beggining

Ever since I can remember i know i have been participating within power-games, meaning either i wanted and been the superior, or i wanted and been the inferior.

even from the very fist of my years-those i do not have too many memories, i had been accepting and allowing myself and my brother as myself to play with power. i mean when i was born he started a "jealousy" mode and standing at a polar opposite with me, and thus in my very first years i have been abuse and used and tossed by my brother, when parent's don't see. back then i was not even aware of that as being abuse. yet i got to know what it feels to be physically get hurt by others conscious actions.


Day 106: Physical expectations

Today the most prominent point i found was that on gym class we ran the "cooper" test which is to run as much as you can in 12 minutes. we have a 400-450m long running grounds here so it's easy to see how long have you run.


Day 105: Anger - The inner flames

When looking at and investigating a memory when i experienced anger in me, i found an interesting thing...I can recall plenty of memories where i bursted out from and of anger hurting myself or others or both, yet all of them was more or less not a "in one go" type of process, rather as the problem escalated i had multiple smaller outbursts and then at the end a huge one, where i just "filled up" and then i just foght like my life would depend on it till the force stops and i take my revenge on the other.


Day 100: Memories Part 3 - The end of stupidity

originally written on:2012-09-03 at 20:06

Here is the night before i move out tomorrow, to discover new things, study, live and walk my process with others.

Day 104: Learning made fun

in my life before i went to compulsory education and walked in many schools as i have expressed before, yet only HERE i realised and understood what is the learning itself within me.

the general idea is that learning is just "acquiring knowledge and information" and being able to give back it.-regurgitate it-


Day 103: Desire to get THERE

here i will be writing down, explaining and working on an event i went through about how and when and why i encountered this point and what are the consequences i lived from there on.