2012-06-26

Day 1: PAIN

today i watched the film "three steps above heaven" and reacted to it really, so here i am taking the points one by one.



there are certain scenes where the protagonist looses his best ever friend due to death partially caused by him, and in his expression of anger he pushes away his new love even to the point of slapping her, so basically going on rampage of emotions again as before in his life. altough he only does this because in his life he has been mentally abused and lied and he exerted this abuse onto another by his brutal strenght in the physical.
what was interesting that the narration done by also him describes that this is only for a period of time and it sends the message of this is okay the way it is and it must be this way of "finding the one->getting high->loosing->getting at peace with yourself but never forgetting" type scenario. so it tries to give a larger overwiev of the life of humans altough it fails to question why and how this works...therefore completely missing the point.
yet when the huge emotional point occurred in the movie i found myself in this same experiance of emotion of pain and thinkking and the hard to speak...yet i breathed through it through the tears and the physical sensations iwas moderately involved and could keep somwheat my awareness of what is happening within and as myself.
so here i take my self responsibility for all the points i could find here.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to images i see and allow myself to go into thoughts/feelings/emotions and allow myself to get lost in these mind constructs which are only existing within and as me based on my own acceptance and allowance where i allow myself to be less than me as all as life as equal.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the images/movies i see.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to empathically copy thoughts/feelings/emotions i see/experiance within and as others therefore allow myself to not see understand and realize what these are and how i am separating myself with this from the other being, from it's situation and the thoughts/emotions/feelings i copy.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to no consider the other being, the situation, and myself within and as equality and oneness and take corrective action and give unconditional support for both myself and the other as me.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realise that i am only reacting to the other/situation and doing this by a pattern of mere copying where no consideration or self-honesty is actually applied by me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide the fact that i am copying the other's emotions/thoughts/feelings and define this as "empathiy" and also add a positive charge to it.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize that the other/situation is only here to assist and support me in showing myself how and what i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest about myself being in pain as an emotion.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought  "it is painful loosing someone who has a great value in my life" to exist within and as me
i fogive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the thought "it is painful loosing someone who has a great value in my life" and create the  emotion of pain.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought of "it is painful loosing someone who has a great value in my life" to the emotion of pain.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experiance myself within and as the emotion of pain.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the experiance of the emotion of pain.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to supress myself within and as the emotion of pain and hold it inside me in order for others not to see/know/find out that i am in pain because i fear that i am less than myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expressing myself when other beings are here.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to flow through and as self-forgiveness and worry about how many points come up and to not allow myself to know which one is next.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lie about that i know how self forgiveness works and try to supress and abdicate myself in spite of myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate writing self forgiveness and speaking self forgiveness from myself and themselves.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to stop writing/saying self forgiveness and escape through a back door of confusion and unknowingness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as the emotion of pain.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to be completely separated from everything and all that exists including myself because of the emotion of pain.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to change what has already happened/manifested by my own self acceptance/allowance.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self responsibility for what has already happened/manifested within and as the world, within and as myself and others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be pain because i realize that i cannot do anything to change what has already happened/manifested by my own acceptance and allowance.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to to be in pain because i don't want to face my reality.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refuse to face my reality but instead want to be in pain and want to be seperated from everything of this reality.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word "seen" with a positive value
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see the word "seen" as something 'good'/'positive'/'right' within my mind as me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "seen" through judging the word as positive/good/right
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "seen" with being in pain
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "seen" wtihin and as being in pain
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "seen" and from being in pain through defining the word "seen" with being in pain.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "seen" with being worthy.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "seen" with bein worthy.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "seen" and being worthy through defining the word "seen" wtih being worthy.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "seen" with being significant
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "seen" with being significant
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "seen" and being significant through defining the word "seen" with being significant.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "seen" with the word attention
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "seen" with the word attention
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "seen" and attention through defining the word "seen" wtih the word attention.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "seen" with the picture of a human eye
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "seen" with the picture of a human eye
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "seen" and the picture of a human eye through defining the word "seen" with a picture of a human eye.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "seen" with standing out from crowd
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "seen" with standing out from crowd
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "seen" and standing out from crowd by defining the word "seen" with standing out from crowd.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "seen" with being unique
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "seen" with being unique
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "seen" and being unique through defining the word "seen" with being unique.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "seen" with making a difference
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "seen" with making a difference
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "seen" and from making a difference through defining the word "seen" with making a difference.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing a picture of a man standing in the middle on a road seen from above screaming with open mouth in the rain - to exist within and as me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this picture of a man with the emotion of being in pain
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being seen to the picture of a man standing in the middle on a road seen from above screaming with open mouth in the rain.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being seen with this picture of a man
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from being seen through defining the words in separation of myself within a picture of a man.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the memories of my mother abusing me to the emotion of being in pain.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the memory of my mother abusing me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being in pain within and as the memory of my mother abusing me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from being in pain and from my mother abusing me through defining being in pain within and as the memory of my mother abusing me

when i am seeing someone experiencing emotions and i see myself going into this pattern i stop, breathe bring myself back here and push through and remind myself that here exist no thoughts/feelings/emotions/pictures/memories only ourselves.
when and as i see myself going into the want/desire to be seen i stop, breathe, and apply myself to remain here and let go of this desire within and as myself.
when i see myself not taking self responsibility from my self created events/manifestations i stop, breathe bring myself back here and take my self-resposibility for the points i created within and as myself.

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