so today i found out that according to how i start a scene all the
feedback i get from others or the happenings are mirroring myself.
mean that if i start a conversation where i have been in my mind in
anxiety for example than all the conversation and behaviour will be
about this point and it's derivatives like fear, moneyworries ect.
when i enter an action or conversation within and as breath very
different thing takes place. i execute the task or have a nice and
smooth conversation which we can agree on the terms and things
and i experiance this every day. the more i participate within and as
my points of self-deception, supression, emotions and such the more i
get it reflected back...and mostly with instant feedback yet the longest
one was 2 hours. and it's a hell of a suport to see those ripples i
create in the moment of "falling" return back before i would get
consumed by it so i can stop and bring myself back here and apply
and interestingly enough this not only happens with from 'outside'
sources yet seems that my thoughts also 'echoe' around my head till i
actually hear/realize what i have thought and so i can take my time and
investigate and apply the corrections.
like today i had a thought of
"i don't have anything particular to do and i know it is clear if
someone looks at me and my boss is here and he will see me and will not
like that i do not do anything job-related just stand around" and tha
last part "he will see me not doing anything" echoed for about 3-5
seconds then i realized how MINDful this is and that this has nothing to
do with him, in fact he has not even saw me because were busy with a
project so seeing him not recognising and myself echoing the thought i
realized this point and immediately applied self forgiveness, and
altough it was loud and noisy that others would have hear it i wen on
even when the noise stopped. and it was cool to release myself from yet
another point of 'boss-fear'.
and this mirroring applies to all of my actions. even i sometime
echoed myself aloud not realizing that i only do it because i want
attention and that to the other to signal he heard it. but it was all
this is not easy nor difficult yet i see myself getting step by step
more at each day...so i'm doing this and never ever give up.