Day 10: As within, so without.


so today i found out that according to how i start a scene all the feedback i get from others or the happenings are mirroring myself.

i mean that if i start a conversation where i have been in my mind in anxiety for example than all the conversation and behaviour will be about this point and it's derivatives like fear, moneyworries ect.
yet when i enter an action or conversation within and as breath very different thing takes place. i execute the task or have a nice and smooth conversation which we can agree on the terms and things considering.
and i experiance this every day. the more i participate within and as my points of self-deception, supression, emotions and such the more i get it reflected back...and mostly with instant feedback yet the longest one was 2 hours. and it's a hell of a suport to see those ripples i create in the moment of "falling" return back before i would get consumed by it so i can stop and bring myself back here and apply myself.
and interestingly enough this not only happens with from 'outside' sources yet seems that my thoughts also 'echoe' around my head till i actually hear/realize what i have thought and so i can take my time and investigate and apply the corrections.
like today i had a thought of "i don't have anything particular to do and i know it is clear if someone looks at me and my boss is here and he will see me and will not like that i do not do anything job-related just stand around" and tha last part "he will see me not doing anything" echoed for about 3-5 seconds then i realized how MINDful this is and that this has nothing to do with him, in fact he has not even saw me because were busy with a project so seeing him not recognising and myself echoing the thought i realized this point and immediately applied self forgiveness, and altough it was loud and noisy that others would have hear it i wen on even when the noise stopped. and it was cool to release myself from yet another point of 'boss-fear'.
and this mirroring applies to all of my actions. even i sometime echoed myself aloud not realizing that i only do it because i want attention and that to the other to signal he heard it. but it was all about me.
this is not easy nor difficult yet i see myself getting step by step more at each day...so i'm doing this and never ever give up.