2012-06-27

Day 13: Self-Irritation

2012-05-10

Recently i allowed myself couple of time to rage out for mere moments and realise myself after yet not take the necessary steps to work on this point...so i waited and waited, it came up a couple more times yet i was more aware at each occasion so i could see myself more and more clearly. here is what i found out.


first when i got aware of this point is when i was doing math problems and i checked my answer and the program said it's wrong for twice...i allowed myself to get frustrated and go into my mind deeper and deeper to find a solution to the problem and why my answer is wrong when i checked everything. of course what i didn't see is that i completely lost breath and got lost in my mind in past present and future.
so i did 3-4 problems wrong and i got so frustrated by the word problems of the actual duty that i "ragequitted" that day. i also thought "these programs switches the names and it is programmed into it to make me switch them" "the program is written badly because when i fail it draws back my progress bar" altough it is common sense that if an educational tool is ONLY rewarding the perfect answers and punishing the incorrect ones are NOT for what is best for all and not based on human learning, yet it's not really about the program itself. it was about me.

my next occurrance is when i missed something while working and i sayed out "fuck it!" and went into a scenario and thought first that "if i make something wrong it will stay that way and it will show everyone that i failed" so it brought up many fears while investigating.

today again at work i seen myself doing something wrong and wnet again into "oh no!" yet was able to by stating "I stop." and breathing was able to see myself that i am not this 'looser' i envision myself when doing something wrong...and also that when i screw up something i also access this personality of a swareing badass guy who does not care about anything and is angry at the whole world...which led me to the realization that actually in these moments i get angry at myself and justify it too.
Self-forgiveness:
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the thought "i made a mistake that will remain forever seen" to exist within and as me
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to through thought participation "i made a mistake that will remain forever seen" - become angry.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to direct my anger -based on the thought participation of "i made a mistake that will remain forever seen"- towards myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as anger based on the thought "i made a mistake that will remain forever seen".
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself the emotion of anger to exist within and as me.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself based on the emotion of anger towards myself instead of realizing that i create friction within myself against myself which is literally eating myself with my own mouth.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the thought "i made a mistake that will remain forever seen"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from anger and from anger directed towards myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from myself by directing anger towards me in separation.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the tought "i have solved this problem correctly but it is still not working!" to exist within and as me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trough the thought participation "i have solved this problem but it is still not working" become frustrated and angry.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the emotion of frustration based on the lack of consideration of myself and what is here to exist within and as myself.
i forgvie myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought "i have solved this problem but it is still not working" to the emotion of frustration.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the emotion of frustration within and as the thought "i have solved this problem but it is still not working".
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realize that i only do not see the problem when i am in the mind shearching for a solution.
i forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to be here within and as breath and see in common sense when there is a problem that needs to be solved.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from being here within and as breath while solving a problem.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see the common sense here while solving a problem.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the problem that i am solving.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from what is here and from common sense, by only going into and as the mind to find a solution.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to FIND a ready solution to the problem i am solving instead of realising that i can create a solution and direct myself within and as the solutin for what is best for all.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to be served a ready solution and not having to do anything in order to solves the problem i am working on.
i forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to take responsibility for creating a solution that is based on what is best for all to the problem i am working with/on.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to not consider what is best for all when working with/on a problem.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the finding of a solution instead of creating one that is best for all.
i forgvie myself for accepting and allowing myself to design and manifest a personality construct within which i solve problems and find solutions and allow myself to become posessed by this personality.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the proess of solving a problem, and thus seperate myself form the problem and tha solutions.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exert my anger and frustration within and as the physical and actually cause harm/damage to my physical body or items.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not consider my surroundings, my body and items as one and equal within and as myself, therefore beleive i can exert my anger/frustration onto them within and as superiority/inferiority construct.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleiv i am superior to my physical body/the surroundings/items and seperate myself from the instead of realizing that in fact i am inferior to them by participating within and as the mind.
i forgive myself that i haven't allwoed myself to see understand and realize that i am in fact inferior to my physical body/surroundings/items when and as i go into my mind.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from my physical body, my surroundings and items.

word-stupid:
i frogive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word "stupid" with a negative value
i forgive myelf for accepting and allowing myself to see the word "stupid" as negative/bad/wrong within my mind as me.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the word "stupid" as negative/bad/wrong
i forgive myself for accepting and allwoing myself to seperate myself from the word "stupid" within judgeing it as negative/bad/wrong.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "stupid" to lack of understanding
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "stupid" by lack of understanding
i forgvie myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "stupid" by defining the word "stupid" within and as lack of understanding.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others and myself as stupid based on my preception that they/i do not understand something.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from others and myself by judgeing the other/myself as stupid based on my preception that they /I do not understand something.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judeg/define the other/myself within and as stupid as inferior to me/others.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into inferiority/superiority within and as judgeing someone/myself stupid.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "stupid" to the color black.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "stupid" by the color black.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to seperate myself from the word "stupid" and the color black, by defining the word "stupid" within and as the color black.
i forgive myself for accpeting and allowing myself to beleive that not knowing/understanding something means one has a blank space in that region of knowladge and to define blank/empty space wihtin and as the color black.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "stupid" to not being here.
i forgive myself for accepting and allwoing myself to define the word "stupid" within and as not being here.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "stupid" and from not being here by defining the word "stupid" within and as not being here.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realize that the state of not being here is only a sign of ones participation within and as the mind.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "stupid" to not accepting reason.
i forgive myself for accepting and allwoing myself to define the word "stupid" within and as not accepting reason
i forgive myself that i have accepting ad nallowed myself to seperate myself from the word "stupid" and from not accepting reason by defning the word "stupid" within and as not accepting reason.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allwoeing myself to see understand and realize that reason is only based on thoughts feelings emotions preceptions ideas beliefs and has nothing to do with one's capability of being here and seeing common sense.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "stupid" to the emotion of shame.
i forgive myself for acceptign and allowing myself to define the word "stupid" within and as the emotion of shame.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "stupid" and from shame by defining the word "stupid" within and as shame.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing  myself to beleive that i must be ashamed of myself when i am not on an equal level of knowledge with/as my enviroment/surrounding beings.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior when i am not on an equal level of knwoledge and understanding with/as my enviroment/surrounding beings.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel ashamed when i see myself being inferior.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the emotion of shame and from knowladge and understanding and from other beings/enviroment by participating within and as shame and inferiority.

i forgive myself for accepting and allwoing myself to connect the word "stupid" to uneducatedness.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "stupid" within and as uneducatedness.
i forgive myself for accepting and allwoing myself to seperate myself from the word "stupid" and from uneducatedness by defining the word "stupid" within and as uneducatedness.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and llowed myself to exist within and as uneducatedness and define it within and as the points of shame, inferiority and fear.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the picture of "me looking like i completely do not understand the simplest thing" to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect being stupid to the image of "me looking like i completely do not understand the simplest thing".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and being stupid according to the picture of "me looking like i completely do not understand the simplest thing".
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from being stupid within and as the picture of "me looking like i completely do not understand the simplest thing".

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the picture of "a man repeteadly and fast banging on a table with fists closed and shaking" to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the picture of "a man repeteadly and fast banging on a table with fists closed and shaking" to the emotion of frustration and anger.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the emotion of frustration and aanger within and as the picture of "a man repeteadly and fast banging on a table with fists closed and shaking".

it also brings up a memory of mine where i was a 2nd grade student(kid) and i had to go out and recitatiate to the teacher and the class and i didn't learned the material before not even listened to the class before(the reason why she called me out) so i just stood there 'umm'-ing and creating this emotion of shame and regret and guilt based on that i do not know what she wants from me. yet within this not considering that if the information is necessary or not best for all or not. it was my first experiance where i was being wanted and demanded to be a robot giving back info&knowledge exactly the same...and they didn't teach me effectively how to do it so i failed in front of 32 classmates and a 'grown-up'...and was told to "be ashamed of yourself!-you didn't do what i requested from you!" so i went into emotions not cried yet was completely posessed by this frustration anger shame and fear.and so from the age of 7 i always felt this on such occasions but got used to it so much that i started to supress this and then when became a game addict this bursted out when failing at something that i slap on the table swear a lot and get all high up...

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to supress my emotions of shame, frustration and anger untill i burst out on the physical reality.
i forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to see understand and realise that i am supressing myself and generating a huge amount of conflict-energy within and as myself only to release it within and as an outburst in the physical.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to the memory of me failing at recitation.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect anger frustration and shame to this memory of myself.
i forgvie myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge this memory of myself as negative/wrong/bad.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from this memory of me failing at recitation for the first time.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the action of recitation.
i forgvie myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as thoughts emotions words pictures and memories within and as the mind while working on a problem.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from my participation within and as the mind and within and as the physical reality.
self-correction:
I realize that i create friction within and as myself against myself in separation thus causing energy build up, supression and harm to myself.
I realize that i am not inferior nor superior to my surroundings or beings because i am one and equal within and as all life here.
i realize that i am not inferior nor superior when i am participating within and as the mind of thopughts feelings emotions ideas preceptions judegments and beliefs.
when and as i see myself go into the pattern of participating within and as thoughts, i stop, breathe, apply self-forgiveness and release the points here.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of supressing myself based on thought participation, i stop, breathe forgive myself and let go of the points within and as myself.
when and as i see myself goint into the pattern of bursting out within and as emotions i stop breathe forgive myself and release the built up energies within and as myself.
when and as i go into the pattern of existing within and as a memory of my past experiance i stop breathe and forgvie myself and release the memeories within and as myself.
when and as i go into the pattern of a personality construct i stop breathe realize myself, forgvie myself and let go of the personality i engraved within and as myself.

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