2012-06-27

Day 14: Giving part 1

2012-05-12

i've always wanted to give...

this whole story began in my youngster ages or at least the ones i still recall, i saw that my parents have a hars life of their own and they always conflicted with each other and i had this urge or wish that they could just be at peace with each other and themselves it would be more supportive for all...and i have spoke about this with them trying to question them and look for a way they can be at peace with themselves and the situations...

i asked them many times "what if you would ***?" and i was always thinking that they argue because of me and what i did...well for some part they did and sometimes they only argued because of miscommunication, distrust and self-anger...but whenever i asked them "what can i do to help you?" they always just smiled for a bit and said that i'm too young for this and can do nothing...yet i tried to do everything to make their relationship work in order to be at peace with myself and to have a stable enviroment i enjoy being in for the whole family unit. back in that young age (4-8 maybe) i was not so much about myself out of selfishness but saw that we ought to have an equlibrium in order to be able to survive AND thrive.
later after being more grown i stayed in my "commitment" of trying to repair their relationship, asking them to be more nice to each other, to not argue over little stupid things, and to find at least the less frictionus road...yet they kept doing the same arguments and fights over and over and over again till i eventually got fed up around the age of 12 and stopped trying to solve it and just let them rot where they are and started to act in a more self-defense like state and trying to reduce my participation within their actions...kinda seperating myself from them, spending less time with them and of course finding the "love" for myself which i could not get from them in movies and computer games and from my brother.
so this lack of given attention and caring and consideration for me i supressed this for over time and while developing my enormus ego i also created a compensation for this massive built up of energy inside me.
there in this process i had to realize that i cannot force anyone to do anything let it be common sensical or the stupidest thing FOR me. i can ask favors but never found anyone who were more relyable than myself. so took on the point of "i must do anything i want to have done" and there started to develop my ego and this point of ethernal giver.
by that i mean a point which i existed within and as for quite a few years-5 or 6-and it really determined my participation within and as the current world and what i got out from it.
so based on my past experiance i judged humanity as they cannot handle their own shit (like my parents) and noone is giving a shit about it. and that people will not consider anyone else than themselves and above that they still consider 95% what they get from something instead of what they can cause with the action itself. and i was one of these humans. i also realized some kind of balace that what i do to others in the long run i will "get back" at me from the universe.
so i thought out a great way to make sure i survive and kinda thrive in this system...and that i through giving. i saw within myself and also learned that if i give something to someone they will become flattered it makes them trust me more makes them judge me more valuable and consider me more in their decisions. so i thought "if i give to everyone whatever i can i will be thriving" based on that one can do one thing but many can do more. so i started to give, first physical favors like changing games and stories and money-lending for free, agreeing deals where i got a bit less then what i have given ect. and later in highschool i transformed this to a more intellectual level where based on my ego and asumptions i gave tons and tons of "true facts" to others giving them free lessons of how the world works, giving tons of advice which helped in the living of the life of them...by considering their position as i would be there completely and seeing the best possible solution not JUST considering myself-as the other but the beings that is close to them including or exluding myself based on the situation. this is in one way developed my sense/skill of empathy where i could "align" myself with the person and it's position quite fast and precise and from that starting point see the world...
and i've done this many many times, been through many viewpoints, many preceptions. and given off advice and realizations.
this also showed me the best way to describe things to others or how to tutor them because i always started from their point of existance and from there built up the way to understand where i do..."raise them to an equal level of understanding" to me of course.
and mostly they accepted my advice and when they didn't they got to the situation i drawn out and so i was always there to say to them "ha, i said this before now you have it...wonder why?" and "i knew this would happen exactly and i said this to you, you didn't listen" and also giving lectures of why and how they got where they are. and this was cool from the point of them understanding themselves and for me to be able to see the bigger picture behind humans. during this and while growing my ego bigger i also made my view of life biger schemed too. started to see and realise mass decisions and effects of humans, the similar traits and habits and such.
to start off with the part where relationships come into play with this point i must mention that i have always treated every other as a unique yet equally important person for me. not distinguishing between man or woman old or young higher ranked (like teachers) or lower ranked (like beggars) i knew we are all equally the same...or "they are" as i have placed myself above all.
so after highschool i got into an enviroment where i also had interactions with females...in my 4 years of highschool i was 95% in between males only so this was a big change-going to the universtiy, and also interestingly i got into more contact with females via the web in chatrooms.
and while doing so and continuing to perfect my way of living-giving i saw that women "fall" faster to my greatfullness meaning the will become my freinds faster and develop trust much more easily and steadily and mostly more trustworthy based on the fact they are able to be more like me-empathic. so i gathered a bunch of female friends and mostly i have not thought of relationships with them - i mean not sexual ones- mainly because i was cool with my porn at home and secondly because i was afraid of being rejected and loosing my "connections"-man i did Facebook offline IRL. :D
so i had thought about them -even when they were there - to have sexd with them yet never dared to move towards this. mostly because i was preoccupied with Sandra who i made my first love (of never fulfillment).
then when becoming more resistant to my porn and jerking off's i also got into my first relationship where she started to get closer to me, and we were both shy and afraid and waiting for the other to move and i used my empathic giver technique - i was it -and she became fallen love into me and so did i show her kinda the same...and this let to many decisions of escaping to 200km away -going home with her without telling anyone just hopping on the bus with her and sleeping there-and such.
but i always stayed in my frame i created myself of giving and giving more. in the long run she got addicted to me and i got addicted to giving to her and made up a belief-accepted it-that we are the soulmates of each other and were always together yet never in the same time, and came up with plenty of fake things in order to keep the relationship as best i could...i lied more than i experienced other lie to me in my whole life! yet i continued to GIVE ethernally...
part 2 will follow tomorrow...

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