2012-06-27

Day 17: Consequences ...

As i see we all have this yet we all pretend we don't...time to stop and open up.
I made some "mistakes" in the past because i allowed myself to fool myself and believe my lies and beliefs that "everything will be alright" yet when comes to reality, it does not.

and i have to (will have to) learn this the "hard way". because based on my own stupidity and falling for love and all the bullshit i've allowed myself i took on someone's 'problem' in the meaning of i have taken up loans and services on my name but the benefactor was not myself but another person and she made A LOT OF DEBT which is apparently on my name.  it's roughly summed up about a 1000Euros total...and man i don't have any means to be able to pay for it. the funny thing is the law sais that they can take my belongings or house or whatev they like to (banks in the end) yet i do not "have" anything else legally than a guitar (cheapest of all) and a tuner and some tools and materials like oil and stuff except i have a bank account that is drained of money sothat's all and not even talking about my student loan of 500Euros still left...i do not have property of mine do not have any item that is officially belongs under my name. i am only using things that are provided by my grandma and father and it's on their name, and they're very much still alive. so the common sense question arise where the fuck do they want to take the money from???
yes i know i am the responsible for this accumulation of debt...but it is clear i have no way of repaying THAT much, and if they would give me like a small payment for larger time it would take 50 years to pay it back plus the added costs and fees and whatnot.
so what are my options? i do not know, they do not educate people about what can you do in such a situation. i can run, maybe i get a job somewhere and i will pay 80% of my salary to the fucking greedy banks but that is not real here...here is nothing but me and my breath.
and this is simply insane to press out and push and rob people who has apparently no money to pay just because they go to the end of the line and so the community (the world of those who still have money) is just leaving to rot these beings...they don't care because they are so afraid of getting there themselves. end of the line, the countdown reaches zero, your left to die and no way out.
and yes i feared this a lot since i made this mistake, tried to hide this by forcing her to take self-responsibility for the debt, and legally we agreed that she will pay it even before i signed the contracts. yet she broke the agreement/contract (it was only in words not written but that is still counts in laws) and i am here left alone to pay for other's crimes.
i'm not blaming her at all, i've stopped that, no reason to do it because it's fake.
options? sit and run and shut off the debter's like i would not know about them till the police comes. or run away from the country and try life somewhere else. or idunno what.
still i do not let this to interfere with my process. i don't care where i am or what am i doing throught my day, my voice is always here to forgive and correct myself along the steps i take, my physical is here as ethernal support till it lasts, here remains no fear, no blame, no judgements, no fighting with the systems, no shifting of responsibility, no hiding, JUST ME I remain here as who I am as all as one and equal.

when and as i see myself going into the pattern of fearing what might my past has layed out in my future within and as my acceptance and allowance, i stop, breathe, forgive myself and correct myself and walk the self correction of myself.
I commit myself to walk my process of self-forgiveness, self corrective application, self-realization no matter what happens to me and where i am or what i do, i remain here, breathe and keep myself aware as much as i can working towards what is best for all life here ethernally.

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