2012-06-27

Day 18: Testing...testing...are you HERE?

today finished with the writing of tests/exams and had some realizations within.
First day i realized that i actually did overcome the point of fear and anxiety and exitedness points and i were here, breathing, 'calm' and not even went into the construct of "let me see the lessons again just to refresh".

altough while writing the test i saw within myself that i judge the exercises handed to me to solve as easy. and thus create separation within and as myself. so i flagged this and kept on solving them.
another point i saw within the process of solving the tests that i have still allow a small bit of "test solver personality" and so gone into being a nice guy and helping others with my good answers and correcting them, and they of course hoping and knowing that i might know better kept on asking and comparing their results to mine. and while helping them i did went into judgements about them how stupid they are to not being able to solve the same problems i do when we in fact went into the same class listened the same lectures ect. so kinda shifting my awareness from the point into blaming them for their not-readiness. where in fact this only reflects to me that i think that i am not ready to "deal" with such personalities which is apparently not true but i did this to hide this fact from myself.
so after being done with all the papers i came home did some self-forgiveness on the points yet somehow got a little stuck during it. so i allowed myself to not be so hard on me and let myself show more regarding these today when i will fill the other part of the tests.
and so today i was "more" aware of myself, chatted less, and could stop myself from participating within the same personality and still can assist the others-as-myself. and it's facinating how i can stop in one moment. i saw it rising to become to the surface and take over control yet i realized it and stopped it.
another point i discovered is that when i'm in my mind and read the text of the problem, and they are really written in wrong terms and with bad grammar, i could tend to drift away in the sentence and not understand what it wants from me or how i should solve the problem...yet when breathing here being one and equal to and as the questions and statements on paper it is a moment to understand fully what the writer wanted us to do...and this is a major problem here in schools that when a sentence has a bad grammar or it contains words that are not correlating to the problem the students do not understand what it's about. and the taught way of handling this is to go into the mind and think what it could mean, which is in reality only worsening the situation.

self-forgiveness:
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the exercises i solve based on how well i can solve them, instead of realizing that they are all one and equal to and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought "this exercise is easy" to exist within and as myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "this eyercise is easy".
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought "this ecercise is easy" to the feeling of happyness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the thought "this eyercise is easy" within and as the mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to trough the thought participation "this exercise is easy" become happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist wihtin and as happiness based on the thoughts participation "this exercise is easy"
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the feeling of happiness to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the feeling of happiness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the feeling of happiness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the feeling of happiness instead of realizing that i am one and equal to joy itself, and i do not need anything to trigger me to be happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity of easy/hard within and as judgeing something seperate from me, instead of realizing that nothing is seperate from me and only i create the experiance of a process being easy or hard based on my participation within and as separation and polarity.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the thing i judge as being easy/hard.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge a process by how fast and/or effective i walk through it as being easy/hard, instead of realizing that every process is one and equal to and as myself and that the time and effectiveness only depends on my direct application of myself here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the process(es) i walk within and as myself here.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to participate within thoughts feelings emotions and judgements within and as walking my process/processes.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge a process which i walk/walked by the amount of effort i put into it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from both my process(es) and the effort i put into them and the two from each other.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself and my process(es) based on the amount of effort i put into a process.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as polarity by judgeing a process as small/large based on the amount of effort i have "put into it".
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my process(es) based on the amount of effort i put into them instead of realizing that all points are here as one and equal within and as myself and are in fact requiers me as all of myself to be able to be directed and corrected within and as myself.
self-correction:
I realize, that all exercise is one and equal to myself and both the creator of it and the task that is needed in order to sole it is in fact also one and equal to myself.
I realize that i am joy itself and happiness or joy cannot exist as seperate from me here and that nothing else is needed for me to express myself wtihin and as joy/happiness.
I realize that within me creating separation within and as me is only where "easy" and "hard" exists because here is everything exists within and as oneness and equality.
I realize that i am responsible for what and how i exist within and as my process(es) and i define how long it takes for me to overcome/ascend a point just like in the physical overcoming of an obstacle.
I realize that all process is one and equal to myself and me walking it is only determined by m,y self acceptance and allowance.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of judgeing others as stupid/less than myself, i stop, breathe, forgive myself and walk my correction.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of judgeing a exercise, i stop, breathe, forgive myself and walk my self corrective application and show myself that here every exercise is one and equal to and as myself.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of participating within thoughts feelings and judgements i stop, breathe, forgive myself and release the pre-programming of myself and walk my self-correction within and as breath here.
when and as i see myself going into the pattenr of judgeing/seperating myself from my process(es) i stop, breathe, forgive myself, and walk my correction of being and becoming one and equal to and as my process of changing myself to do what is best for all.

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