2012-06-27

Day 28: Agression or Commitment?

yesterday and today i wathced myself while i drived around, and found interesting things about myself and my past...

So now the car is wrecked a bit in the form of having no instruments whatsoever, no speed or RPM or fuel gauge nor internal lights or anything...because of electric issues so even for the speed we have to use the GPS to know how fast we go and how much we went in order to know how much gas remains in the tank.
first it was funny for a minute or so - the point of making fun-enjoying-someone else's suffering - but later i was fascinated how easy it is to become comfortable with this.

so the main chage is that i don't have to look DOWN to the instruments to see my speed and such but have to look a bit to the LEFT and also i found reading a digital number more easy and faster than the gauge on the instrument panel.

the frequency i look at it hasn't changed, i use the screen where only the speed and distance and ect. data are shown and NOT the map itself.

altough this has not changed the way i drive, only i "feel" a bit more comfortable that i see tha ACCURATE speed of me (the gauge is 90%of the time shows BAD readings only precise at 90km/h and below and above are always shows MORE than in reality) and so i am more comfortable choosing a speed for traversing.

the main point today was that while doing my reshearch of being here breathing aware while driving, i pushed myself more in this because i am applying different "goals" to maintain and stay here. these goals we use to refer as "driving style" but it is not at all a style as i see it. these include like: getting there at the shortest route, being the fastest, precise handling of turns, slow and peaced out transitions-shifts-and movement, and such. and doing these while being not "under control of my car" but actually listening and reading the feedback from the car as i would being it. like when you walk you "feel" all the information about the ground by your feet "telling" you with it's senors. now in a car it's a bit different yet it is applicable.

so today i was "drive fast" method and while doing this i also have to be easy on the car because nowadays an 8 year old car and needs to be repaired soon.

what i saw within myself that i wanted and dreamed(in the meaning of daydreaming) about being a fast car driving racer or just going fast speed on roads and feeling adrenaline rush and just being high and enjoying myself.

later i would make test by measuring such hormone leves before-after a testdrive, and see if it is possible to drive the same way without the additional addictional hormones and substances showing up-being used in the body.

so i tested this theory that if i could drive without being rushing and angry and agressive. it turned out i can. it takes effort and commitment yet i could drive like i am hasting somewhere but being precise and careful within trafic(actually looked into mirrors AND over the shoulder more than i normally do-so driven safer) and this shows how much it means to be aware of yourself, breathing here, starting to being one with movement as you as the car in oneness and equality.

yet still a point of frustration and anger came up when had to park and two cars parked in a way that i could not park because i would hit them and had to go 'round the block 3 times to get finally a parking spot.

self-forgiveness:

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry when i cannot park because other cars are in the way.
i frogive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the emotion of anger to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become angry based on that i blame others for the situation i am placed myself into.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame others instead of realiesing that i am the one responsible for every situation i put myself into.
i forgivve myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry if i have to retry doing something.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the action of retrying something to be negative/bad/wrong.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to complete the action on the first try, instead of realizing that "failing" to execute something shows me exactly where i am still accepting and allowing abuse within and as myself, while on the other hand i do not investigate myself upon "winning" or completing a task at the first try.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a polarity of win/lose based on that i had completed or failed a task and thus generate energy and separation for the mind.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within polarity constructs and allow abuse within and as myself.

self-correction:

i realize that failing to do something is actually showing me the exact points which i still have not ascended or worked on and released.

i commit myself to being here within and as breath whenever i am re-doing an action i have done before.

when and as i see myself going into the pattern of becomeing angry at myself and others, i stop, breathe forgive the points and walk my self correction.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of blaming others and shifting my responsibility, i stop, breathe, forgive myself, investigate the points related and correct my application to do whats best for all in all case.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of participating and creating polarity constructs, i stop, breathe let go and forgive myself and correct myself to be equal to the physical here.

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