Day 29: The joy of spite.

I see myself that when someone is having trouble or fails at some point, i usually go into a reaction of joy/laugh

let's look at what is actually happening and when do i go into this:
so when i hear somone did something wrong, or when someone has physically failed at something and maybe got hurt slightly, when one is abused with a slight hurting of itself(like falling on ice), when someone realizes that he has a big problem and made a huge mistake.

What goes inside me is that upon encountering these cases i go into reaction of either "i'm glad it's not me" or "oh he's such a looser" or "i told him this would happen, warn him, but hey, funny that he does not lear"
all of these cases i react to joy or smile or a kind of smile that means "this sucks" with a ssss-ing sound (what snakes used to emit.)
but somehow i feel energy being gained from the even that i get to know/see these events.

and this i do remember-originates again from my childhood. first i saw such fails at home where my mother - based on his disabilities of her body - where she failed at some things and could not execute certain moves or chains of movements and could not stand for long and i did see her defetiveness but before school i empatically felt with her, i was sorry and knew that her condition is not good that that i would not want such condition for anyone.
then when i started to go to school-where my brother has been for 2 years before- i had to experience myself in a bit of loosing state based on the students who's were grade higher than me. i didn't know before but my brother were bullied and "named" and the larger-than-me kids always yelled at him and made him angry and provoked him ect. and when i got there of course everyone knew i'm his brother so i inherited his infamousy and also got verbally then later physically bullied too.
so i got into an enviroment where the stroner picked on the weaker-and i had to accept this polarity based on the physical, and when they started to physically try to abuse me i had to fight back, and slowly but surely i fought my way out of the lower-class kids into a self-defending one and they kept their jokes and bulliing in words only. yet while this process i developed this sense of carelessness towards inferior beings(the ones i judge inferior might not actually be inferior) so as a kind of defense reaction i made the bullies inferior to me and so whenever they made a mistake i just laughed at them to show them that they HAVE mistakes to make and should not pick on smaller kids. i didn't enjoy that then, it was just acting out in order to reflect. later after i had to no more do this to maintin my position in the hierarchy (change of school) i started to enjoy other's suffering based on that at least i don't have to suffer as the other. creating this separation and ego point. again later when developing my huge ego in highschool where i made this also a point of ego-only the "i told you haha".

interesting question arises:where do THOSE kids started this point? firstly they were coming from a family with low-low income and many kids at one place-so they had to compete even in the first 6 years of their life(or learn how to compete effectively) for food/attention from their parents who were either not at home or doing nothing else than being at home and being tired of their kids. either way lack of attention and care and carelessness of their parents-which is the consequence of the generation before and the global system and further and further and further. no blame here just a pointer where we allow and accept us to participate within such shit.

so this is how it kept changeing within and as me but the main point remains the same:spiting based on thoughts.
and this is where we all allow and accept the polarity of inferiority/superiority and to be winners and loosers and to have standing ones and fallen ones while we are here, equally responsible for EVERYONE'S FALL!

but i never learnt self-responsibility and that i am responsible for others as well, nor hot to see or realise this, nor how to be and effective human being. so i didn't do it.

while this spiting of others in separation is actually rotting the society from inside-out. we all know we all do this, and we are sometimes developing fears and paranoia about other's may spite us, or laugh at us. many many energy for the mind systems.

and only the victim asks sometimes "what's funny in this?" or even they supress this common sense question based on fear of society or loss of something.

i am supporting and equal money system where spite will be inpossible to do and we will assist and support as all as one and equal when someone falls or fails at something. and we will learn how to care about ourselves and every being around us as life because life has only value, not the imagined and illusionary things like thoughts feelings emotions oppinions ect.