2012-06-27

Day 31: When "shit hits the fan"...

...the room gets full of shit.
a quite literal saying, let's investigate what's going in/on when it happens

So i came to a point where a huge loop i made myself ended. a cycle got to it's ending. i made mistakes in this cycle, ignored any and all possible consequences and now i am in the pool of shit i made for myself.

it is really interesting to see when our self-created ideas, preceptions and projections fall before our very eyes and REALITY kicks us under the ass and so our pretty worlds shatter and all the things "locked down" suddenly bursts out like an explosion and like I would watch a 100 movies at the same time I see all my self-created thoughts-beliefs-ideas-shit roll out and lay out the path to where it all collapses. where nothing else but i remain.

it made a bit difficult to breathe here, many thoughts and what-if's and how to do to solve the upcomed problem, there are plenty of thoughts and emotions which race for the "mental resources" of me (which is actually my physical body)

not only this but also my hiding of my shit from my father and brother got out in the open at the same time because i caused economic hurt to my father, based on that he trusted me with part of his financials and because i got in debt part of his money got locked down - or to say another way:lost.

so when this even happened - me seeing that they put a lockdown to my account - suddenly my thoughts have for a moment overwhelmed me, and then i even grasped for air for the next moment, then saw that the emotions start to take over and there i could stop myself from going into it and calming most of my thoughts down and establishing breathing here - i was mostly speechless, producing only ugh's and such noises.

then when i looked around and listened what they are saying to me i didn't realize immediately but later investigating his reaction were immediately from the starting point of his self-interest that the money he worked for is lost and will be lost when his transaction reaches my account. it was not about the amount of the money he lost but the event itself. he totally bursted out of emotions and anger and frustration, as i almost did too.
then he left and when i could see i cannot stabilize myself anymore i stepped out and went for a walk while concentrating heavily on breathing and stopping my thoughts before i even would go into them.

but the moment it got realized is really interesting-the moment the shit hit the fan...like all the supressed points within me blowed inside my mind and covered all of it with the shit i allowed. even felt my head "crowded" for some time.

and this attitude i realized while i was in this cycle...when i made a mistake i told myself "hey just supress this point and hope for the best that i will never see it ever again"
hoping for the best, no self correction applied(i didn't learned that until recently how to support myself) no self-honesty- no investigation, only supression and pointing fingers that it is not my fault, either i was too much in love or it's her fault, or my parent's didn't teach me how to deal with such cases ect. enyone was responsible except me. i couldn't accept the thought that i am the cause and the participator within and as it.

solution? the case is that long time ago 2 or so years i led myself be robbed from my actual girlfriend i provided her with phone and other things and so i did this with my name on contracts. so she got what she needed and i could be with her. kinda i provided support for her without having something to support from so i borrowed the services and item's from banks and TSP's who based on their own self-interest led me do this. now many times later i ended the relationship with her a year ago yet those providers doesn't know or care about her only that they want thier money, of course from me because i signed the contracts. they don't care about anything only the fucking MONEY! and i exactly know that if i would tell them the case they just tell me "you were stupid to take a loan for someone else, PAY NOW", even i could go to the police with the fact she stole from me or not kept herself to our agreement(contract) that she will pay it to me, i don't know the outcome to that. all i know is that currently i'm fucked. i have no such amount of money, maybe have some posessions i can sell and some payments i can collect but i don't see it would be enough.
and we all know without money i will either do slave labour or die. nowadays they don't even put you in jail anymore! they just take your money, sell your stuff even if this means you have no house left and that's it!

and this is the world we live in and continuosly accept and allow to exist wihtin and as ourselves. i cannot do this anymore.
i am still one wote for an equalmoneysystem, yet currently have to deploy myself into a survivor mode and look for any and all opportunities that will get's me money. no other way out currently. still i keep on doing self-forgiveness and self-corrections and walking myself here, because this case is evidence that instead of freaking out and raging and worrying and crashing under the emotions i can be here, breathing and apply the most effective way to solve the problem and see the common sense in what i do and what i did.

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