Day 33: Shame

when i started to look at/in myself in self-honesty, and see/realize all the nasty stuff i am allowing and participating within, i felt really ashamed of myself, and more i got to see the more i "drifted" into this point...

...when i later took my self responsibility and corrected/changed myself this shame and guilt have been either supressed or stopped but never really corrected at all.

I do have flaws, i do make mistakes, there is no reason to hide that, and it is clear that for every mistake, or every abuse of myself i have to walk THAT more to correct myself, and this "law of equality and oneness" is actually quite a teaching thing.
so why do i still get feeling guilty and ashamed of myself when i do something that i not best for all and not "must be done" for my survival? it's just because i as my mind do not settle for the amount of energy i got from the participation within it but still i want more and so i go into these emotional reactions to what i've done.

i remember clearly how i "get used to" living like this. i, as every child on earth currently, was told that there are difference between actions and humans and ect. and the difference is good/bad, right/wrong, positive/negative. and because all i saw around myself i went on and accepted this polarity constructs of myself and the world as one. the next thing you get is that as a child i get rewards for good actions and punishment for bad actions. no actual explanation or conversation and discussion about the point only the immediate reaction to it. so wheni did wrog/bad/negative things i based on fear of punishment tryed to hide what i did or that i was the one who have done it, yet most of the time others figure out what i done, so they give me the punishment and tell me "you should be ashamed of yourself because of what you've done". and actually i took it personally and so developed this pavlov's reflex that whenever i do something bad/wrong/negative i immediately get ashamed upon realizing it.

this has one practical use if we look at from the society's perspective: the ones who hurts the society or it's members can be clearly identified because he/she is feeling guilty and ashamed of itself. but as time and generations went by this identification became harder and harder because people either got immune to shame and guilt or just supressed it as much that it's not visible. so after some time and today also we even if we might see it on others we just don't care about it. so it has no more purpose at all other than it's indoctrination is abusive to children and can fuck up their entire life which they have to correct later for the same amount of time.

"you can only see the second half of your journey, because in the first half, you've been blindly guided"(unknown)