2012-06-27

Day 34: "I have nothing to do"

at times, mostly in weekends or in school "holidays" i always got this point where i limit myself with not considering what i am able to do and what would be supportive for me and for all...

it's not like i do not KNOW what i have to do, but mostly it's a point of lazyness where i go into not wanting to do stuff that requires to be here, concentrating but just want to lay low, relax, enjoy myself in separation, get happy ect. so pretty much get to a "state of the ultimate mind" establish a temporary heaven where i can be "at peace".

but actually it is really easy to see and realize that this is not best for all, nor best for me because during me being seperately existing in this "lil' heaven" i am destroying my body literally -the only one which provides- and i only cause harm and abuse.

what drives me to behave like this? the want to escape reality? the want to not see all the bullshit that is sticking to my face every second? FEAR.

fear of having to deal with the shit, fear of not being good/big enough to clear it up, fear of faliure, fear of being left alone to die, fear being denied of the rights to live, fear of death. in this order.

and i exist as this from the very beginner ages of myself and this got me into computer gaming too-along with the other points that i walked earlier before.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse myself and my human physical body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself with not allowing myself to participate within and do activities that is supportive for me and for all.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider anyone or anything, not even myself but instead try to achieve something that is only temporary and has no lasting effect at all and creates affection and addiction within and as myself.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see understand and realise that i am destroying and abusing and limiting myself with hiding within and as joy within and as separation.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to be entertained by experiances i live through.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stop myself from participating within supportive action and instead seperate myself even further and abuse myself and my human physical body.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to be always happy and entertained and don't having to take anything into consideration, instead of realising that it is impossible and really abusive and harmful for every being here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to "be at peace".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the feeling of security and well-being.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to feel secure and feel well-beingness.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the feeling security and well-beingness.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the polarity of security/insecurity and well-beingness/strugglingness and allow it to exist within and as myself.

when and as i see myself going into the pattern of limiting myself based on wants and desires, i stop, breathe, forgive myself, let go of the points and commit myself to participating within what is best for all.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of fearing others and my own life-situation, i stop, breathe, forgive myself and investigate/reshearch what i am able to do in order to maintian or improve living conditions of myself or others without compromising myself and my process jorney to life and stick to doing what is best for all.

i commit myself to stop limiting myself and preventing myself from supporting myself as well as others as me.
i commit myself to when i have spare time to manage, take my time and effort to plan out the day and apart from "should do" activities allow myself free time where i can exist within a point of relaxation for my body while not hurting nor abusing anything or anyone in the process.
i commit myself to stop my accepted and allowed fears and realise myself and what i am not within and as what i exist currently.

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