2012-06-27

Day 35: Running away

A term used in many cases and can describe many situations...the common ground is: we all do it and every form of it is abusive.

this point has been a major point in my life, because either one or the other point i have been running away from many things for various reasons. and i've never really asked why i do it, it just became accepted as a "second nature"(a second nat(not) you're in control) and used it for quite many problems as a solution, but in the meantime here i see it only made things worse meaning i only piled up all the shit i've been running from within and as myself to eventually having to stop and bear the shit-rain and clean up all the mess i've made.

the first type of this point is when i am running away from the starting point of not seeing any option to solve the issue and not letting myself see the obvius-common sense solution or even if i did see it i do not "want" to do it and therefore i run as far as i cannot see the problem anymore. this is based on that i do not allow myself to be equal and one with the problem, to take responsibility, and to see the common sense in the situation.

the other one is actually run from the point of fear. i-as any other kid-have been taugh a hurting lesson of authority and superiority in the physical and so the only inherent solution if you encounter something that is bigger and harmful physically to you is to run away. we see this in cartoons, elementary fights, films. but this also true to more silent running away, because it is connected to hiding, so actually i tend to also run away from those that want my "posessions" or to either rob me (both criminals and usurers/banks/police) or force me to do something (soldiers/police ect.) based on the assumption and experiances that "they at some point give up on chasing/shearching and leave me alone at last.

so here comes the twist in it: i want to be part of society but also want to be alone all by myself without all the bullshit of society (failing to realise i also have all the bullshit in myself too) so this desire to be an outlander of some sort, or outlaw, because one can do anything he wants, without any consequences. or the consequences only effects others.

but looking at it in common sense i can see how much abusive and neglecting this is. it is so inhumane that it is certainly NOT ACCEPTABLE AT ALL.

this point come up today because one of the banks or lawyercorp. or whatev. called me about my debt to them...and i have evaded them lying in the ear of the associate...based on...that i know i do not have the money, they only want to inform me and understand why i do not reply or react to their letters telling me to pay a shit ton of money ect. and they only want to know when and how will i pay in the very near future. that is for sure. fact is:i do not yet have a job, nor a monthly salary, nor any other income of some sort...it's impossible to pay, they already stated in the letters that they have the right to take any and all my posessions except some must-have-for-living(like 3 shirts and pants and a bed and sheets ect.)but apart from that the law allows them to take anything. okay maybe i don't need the bycycle and the computer and the books...still it's very unfair. yes made a mistake and cannot rewind time. but apart from running away from conversing with them interrogating me, i really have no other solution yet.

sure i can stop running and tell them i can't pay-what happens? they will not believe me. they maybe offer solutions to pay less in parts ect. but still financially "i'm a dead man" and we all know what the system does with the trash-dumps it.

why do i make it so hard to stop running?why do i fear being dumped from society? why do i fear having nothing? why do i fear being homeless and priceless? why do i fear death?
two things:
pre-programming and growing up within and as reacting to the system of greed/poverty/lack/abuse.

but still this does not makes running away best for all nor a solution.

can i stand my ground when the shitstorm of mine is coming? i don't know
do i dare to turn back and face the consequences? i don't know
all i know is whatever happens even if i fall or stand the only thing remains is me.

the problem is that i am also risking my flatmates/family and so in fear of them being hurt i didn't tell them anything about my debt's for a long time...but eventually they got to know it.

so running away is NEVER an option. it's only an illusion of escape and peace but it's never real. so here i am taking my stand, not against the system, but for myself because i am here, as one and equal as all beings, i deserve to spend my time correcting myself, forgiving myself, and doing what is best for all to compensate for the shit i've made which effect others as well.

Robin Hood is a fairy tale we keep on showing our kids but stealing from the rich and giving to the poor is not a solution but abuse of everyone around you.

yet and Equal money system is a system where no being is left out, where everyone is physically granted with the secuity of life and so we can all correct and stop ourselves from creating even more shit and be able to clean up the existing ones.

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