2012-06-27

Day 36: I Know what's wrong with me.

Ever felt the way you don't know where you at or what to do next? ever felt like you "can't stop" doing something? ever experienced yourself being unable to start something that would have a great effect on your life mostly towards "good" things-meaning things that will support you? i do so here's my writing out of it.

many times in the past, a bit less nowadays i find myself "strangling" in complete void. i mean in lack of will-where i am aware of myself not doing anything only participating within thinking and just sitting here sometimes not even aware of my breath and not even "listening" to my thoughts just feeling unable to bear them and having many of these rushing thoughts of what to do and what must i do and where do i begin to do something but all this while actually doing nothing just sitting here staring out of my face...

and when i see myself doing this i am able to realise myself and start at least breathing but it takes some minutes to "get out" of such state.

what i see within myself that actually this is mostly triggered by time-anxiety meaning when i see on the clock that i have not much time left from my day (or i have plenty of time) and i'm in the process of deciding what to do but instead of investigating what would be the best way to organise and direct myself i think about what to do and how and hen and how much time it would take.

i used to be VERY lazy before i started my process and so this is one point which i have done so many times because mostly i gamed my ass all over the day and so when i ended i was like this for 20-30ish minutes not knowing what else to do. or just believing that i do not know, kinda like acting dumb.

here i know that i am responsible for all hesitation and limitation of myself from being here and seeing common sense. yet this state is just like watching TV or films that it is really easy to go into it's a "low energy emission" state where you basically do nothing in the physical. reality shows that actually the experiance of feeling lethargic and tired after such moments are because thinking takes away"eats away" my physical body and it's energy. self-cannibalism if you prefer the short version. the longer i would stay in such thing the harder to stop myself *yawn* but this is actually only because i am accepting and allowing myself to "fall" more deep and deep into it even if i'm aware of it.

i am here, i am able to be stable and breathing here, i am able to direct myself here within the physical-this post is actually proove this-i just had such moment described above before starting to write.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a point of nothingness-where i am doing nothing and being away from the physical and only exist within and as my mind.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist only within and as my mind and not even be conscious of my thoughts that i am participating wihtin and as myself
i forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realise myself and be aware of myself when participating wihtin my thoughts which are running in my mind.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within my running thoughts.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to remember what thoughts a have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as, therefore limit myself from stopping myself from participating wihtin those very thoughts again by writing and forgiving myself and processing myself here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to postpone my process with hiding my thoughts from myself based on the judgement that hey are very fast and that i was not aware of myself while thinking.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate(i written participate here) myself from the thoughts i allow myself to run around my mind and not dare to look at them or investigate them or even remember these thoughts.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within and as the separation of myself from myself within and as tha act of thinking and my participation in it.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as lazyness and judgeing myself lazy, instead of realising that labelling myself lazy is only hiding myself and my participation from myself and not allowing myself to investigate and process myself out.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to lazyness.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and my actions as lazy based on the thinking that i have not done anything useful.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge activities as useful/useless based on my own selfishness of what does me good/bad
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the polarity of usefulness/uselessness and allow it to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself based on the activities i have done within and as the polarity of usefulness/uselessness
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not consider all beings here and actually investigate if an activity is good/supportive for all or not.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as useful/useless based on what i have done, instead of realising that everything i have done is useful from the perspective of being supportive for me in showing myself what i am participating wihtin and as and assisting within realising myself here.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to how i judge what i do/have done, instead of being here, and based on the investigations of myself direct myself within and as the realisation of my previos participations and using the knowledge and information about my participations as a tool to assist and support myself in changing to what is best for all.
i forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself within and as self-honesty and participating within self-forgiveness.

when and as i see myself going into the pattern of allowing myself to "get lost" within my thoughts and not be aware of myself and my participation, i stop, breathe, bring myself back here, forgive myself, and push myself to do an activity that supports my body and let myself exist without thoughts, feelings,emotions here within and as breath.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of judgeing myself and my previous participation, i stop, breathe, forgive myself, and let go of the points of separation within and as myself here, and allow myself to direct myself to/towards participating within activities that are supportive and best for all.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of neglecting everyone/not considering anyone around me, or myself, i stop, breathe, forgive myself, and investigate the effect of my participations and direct myself to stop myself to participate within and as such point of separation.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of limiting myself from supporting myself within and as self-honesty and self-forgiveness, i stop, breathe, and push myself to forgive myself and support myself here within and as the physical, and not allow myself to fall back into the state of existing wihtin and as separation and the act of thinking by continuosly being here within and as breath and awareness.

i commit myself to stop myself from participating within the act of thinking, and stopping myself from supporting myself within and as self-honesty and self-forgiveness.
i commit myself to support myself here wihtin and as breathing in awareness, and allow myself to see and realise myself and what i am accepting and allowing to exist within and as myself.
i commit myself to walk within and as equality and oneness to myself and stop all separation within and as myself here.
i commit myself to push myself and change my dayly participations by considering what is best for all and to participate within what is best for all thus showing to myself and tohers that i am able to walk this process and be a directive principle of myself here.

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