2012-06-27

Day 40: Stubborn as a stub

here is a difference between seld-dedication and being stubborn. many reactions lired up by just seeing the suggestion i should look into this point, yet here i am, let's face myself...

...what do i do when i'm stubborn? i create an idea within myself before and i tell myself to stick with it, which is obviusly an EGO point (my way is THE way) and when it gets "touched" upon from others i quickly react to them and either defend or deflect.

what i fail to realise is "just" the other being. i'm full of myself and the idea i've made by myself and so i share it to be endorsed by others but when they are not just look at it but anything else i go into this defense mode and act like only the idea i created would exist and everything else would be an illusion.

where did i created this point at all? again back to my childhood...when i was a kid and could already speak, i learned that if i ask for something my parents will answer or provide it for me, we were not a rich family where i would got anything i wanted yet most of my necessities were taken care of and had a decent platform of entertainment and sportsware. i had to learn though that when i ask something that they will have to do later they sometimes forgot what i asked them to do and so the missed it. i had to remind them over and over again. there when i asked for something many times i saw i have to "stick with my asking in order to get the thing i want". later when i grew up we were even in a worse financial situation just a bit, yet while exploring the world and creating plenty of ideas and oppinions about it some differences started to manifest between me and my family. i said one thing i thought it is and they told me i'm stupid or insane or have too big fantasy ect. yet i made myself feel that my oppinions and ideas are real so i acted like they were real, and therefore in order to not be supressed by the others i developed this defense mechanism with regards to MY ideas and oppinions and judgements.

the more i grew up the more ego i made and also this point got bigger and bigger because my relationship with the world got tighter. so much i sort of "inversed" and started to only tell myself and express to myself my ideas and points and seperate myself from the world (the one which do not understands me). yet this was only a polarity shiting where from the total outer expression i went into total introversion. and so every linked point such as stubbornness still remain.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself  to create and manifest an aoutomatic defense reaction within and as myself as my mind, and only exist within and as this reaction whenever my intellectual property is shared with others.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the point of being stubborn, based on my judgement of the other that he/she is attacking me by reviewing my ideas/oppinions.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to another reviewing my ideas and oppinions.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realise that i am reacting in defense of my allowed and accepted ideas and oppinions and that the review or comment or suggestion i react to is only here to assist and support me within and as my process.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react in defense into an action i judge as offensive.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge an action/reaction as offensive and dangerous, and to see it is something that can cause harm to me.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see and experiance words spoken/written to me as something that can cause harm to me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i can be harmed by words.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being harmed by other's words/sentences/texts
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear death based on the fear of being harmed by other's words/sentences/texts.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to stick with wanting/desiring something based on the belief that i can only achive results that are best for me if i stick with the point of asking/trying.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be heard and that my ideas and oppinions be accepted by others.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to be accepted by others by the words/ideas/oppinions i share.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my ego to defend myself and seperate myself from others.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to defend myself from others instead of realising that i am only acting from the point of fear of myself and others-as-myself.
i forgive myself that i have cccepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from others and the information and sound they share with me when i am not accepting their information and/or sound.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the information and sound that is being shared with me.

when and as i see myself going into the pattern of neglecting/rejecting/reacting to information&knowledge shared with/given to me -i stop, breathe- forgive myself and listen to the sender here wihtin and as awareness and support myself to see understand and realise the point that is being share with me.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of neglecting/rejecting/reacting to sound shared with/given to me - i stop, breathe - forgive myself and allow myself to accept the sound as myself in oneness and equality here.

i commit myself to investigate any and all points that is shared with me. and discuss it with the other.
i commit myself to stop participating within and as reaction to what i experiance and allow myself to breathe and exist here within and as the physical.
i commit myself to stop participating within the point of "being stubborn" and instead allow myself to develop self-dedication further and always rewise and re-investigate my application.
i commit myself to express and show to others in equality how being stubborn and reacting to recieved infromation and knowledge is in fact only abuse the being and create endless misery and what it causes to the physical.

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