2012-06-27

Day 44: Masturbation & Sex part 1

this is a point-supressed for quite some time now so stopping and expanding myself within and as it here...

before this process i really got myself into plenty of masturbation and crave for sex, even if my GF was not really fond of it because of plenty of fears on her side...i would literally could just fuck for a whole day every other day! at least i wanted to...altough my long participation in masturbation got the best of my productivity and therefore i could not last as long as i could have...so it also became a huge embarrasment point too, not just because i watched porn and whacked off but because i could not proove my "manlihood capabilities" lol. so of course i got it overcompensate and went into being a womanlicker trying to give with other what i could not do with the "utility-rod" lol again.

but to see this point in it's entirety as myself i walk through from the beginning till the end and till today, how i allowed myself to be and become this point.

reader discretion is advised from here on! no kids reading this ok? seriously.

so i first got into this point at the age of 11! years old where i was just laying on my bed on my back, enjoying the doing nothingness when i allowed myself to get bored within doing it. yet i did not want to play outside, nor with the computer games, everyone were resting after lunch, so i just daydreamed and thoughts about school. especially girls...basically i was more like a better friend to girls-at that time, the other boys were more like assholes with them, constantly bragging and showing off and wanting to get their attention or spite them with pranks and stuff...yet i sw them as "nice humans around me" so befriended them, so i heard plenty of girltalk at school. mostly because the teachers decided to make a sitting order where pairs of girls/boys sit and not boy-boy or girl-girl based on that it ended up with either a brawl or a loud chatting.

so as i thought about girls my penis started to get harder, yep first boner while being extremely bored and daydreaming, and i went on and experianced with how it feels to touch it-of course i touched it when i peed but that felt really not the same...so went on and found out that it's a cool feeling when i hit it, so the first masterbation was nothing more that literally whcing my dick like a gitar string till the small pain and the lil good feeling produce a small orgasm...from that point I became an addict of it.

at one point i even asked a question related to this "what else can i use my willy ma?" of course she got flushed cheeks and tried to start the bee-flower analogy but stopped at the first sentence, then just said "you're too small to know that" so i agreed and therefore do not asked anymore, i thoughts "hey they don't want to speak about it, i'll just find out by myself" start of the ego based on parental supression, great.

so after this i got excited about biology so much that i actually rented out a book about the human body. and took it home...but when i got to the page where reproduction was the illustrations were really awkaward. they drew 2 box like figures of machines and one had a dick the other a hole, they were also cut in half so you could see the inside like an x-ray from the side...and all of it was 3 stages-one with a non aroused dickybox the next with the "woman" box standing next and having a boner and the third was actually the fully thrusted stage, but it didn't show movement NOR WRITTEN ABOUT IT! and that was all...i got so frustrated and could not understand it at all so i teared that page out and then next day just given back the book, lucyly they didn't discover the teared page os it was cool.

sometimes when i got the thoughts of girls and masturbation and "sex"-not that i knew what it actually is-i just got my page from the book and tried to understand WTF is on it. than most of the times i realised without a boner i can't get the orgasm-part...so once when i shitted i experienced that i got it from the shitting...actually i found out my g-point without knowing about it anything...so i went on and experienced with LEGO parts going bacwards in me that produce every time the boner...

anyway to the point:when i got bored AND alone or got bad day or felt sad i started masturbating and after it i could stay high for the rest of the day.

part 2 will follow...

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from my human phyiscal body as any and all parts of it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that masturbation is a solution to my emotional down-state.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realise that i am addicted to masturbation and mainly the orgasm itself.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realise that i am only compensating my emotional participation and polarities by masturbation and participating within and as this polarity manifestation of feeling high/good and low/bad.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as boredom instead of realising that boredome only exists where i do not take self responsibility for myself and to direct myself here within and as every moment of breath.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire orgasm, and the orgasmic experience in order to balance myself while in fact only hiding the fact from myself that i do not live a balanced life but only participating wihtin and as polarity constructs and just shifting across poles.
i forgive myself that i had accepted and allowed myseld to abuse my physical body in order to generate energy for my mind as me based on the belief that i require energy to exist here and to be able to do things in the physical.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the physical energy to mental energy and believe that they are the same thing.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not push myself in asking and investigating a point before i start actively participate within and as it on a regular basis.
i forgive myself that i had accepted and allowed myself the answer i got from my parents and not use common sense to see understand and realise that they only give answers based on their beliefs and ideas and preceptions from the world compared to myself therefore those answers are not in the best interest of me nor for the best interest for all.

ShareThis