2012-06-27

Day 45:Masturbation & Sex part 2 - getting the hipe

So i left where i ghet to used to making my own enjoyment and not caring about anything at all, not even my physical body which clearly showed that it needs to stop because sometimes i did it so often that my skin on my penis was on fire and like scarthed and in pain yet i still did it...

boy orgasmthen later on as we got moved and into a new enviroment of school, i met new people who were oriented in a really different way, i made friends who were a lot more into the internet than me and while hearing their conversations i picked up some sites which provide with plenty of pictures for this type of self-enjoyment-abuse so went in on them and got excited that these pictures of naked or half naked woman got me horny at merely in a second. but somehow i cut back from masturbating only did it like 2-3 times a week instead of mostly every other day...and i see it now that the main reason i cut back on it was because i "fell in love" for the first time. of course again as i was used to denied every bit of common sense and reason and believed that the girl i really got liked can like me at least half as much...and i tried so hard to get her attention and make her realise that i am a nice guy wanting to be only friends with her...i really meant that...because i "loved her so much" that after seeing her plenty of non-interest in me (a stranger kid) i even lowered my stakes and went from "this girls should love me" to "she could just befriend me back" to "she could might just welcome my trials towards her" and all the way to "i'm feeling pretty cool and it's enough if i can stay near her" this about in a week or so...and so i startet to get physically close to her like literally i chose to sit IN THE MIDDLE of the girls just to sit next to her. and this was quite a large things because other boys at that age were only playing with them and joking and pranking them, maybe some buttslapping to make the girls scream or run they did it for fun-of abuse sadly-but i knew i was more into this point of love which gave me pretty much more energy than masturbation so in school or at home dreaming about her i could not-go into masturbation. kinda like when you are a drug addict and you find a new drug that i a bit more poverful than the one you'r already on...so stunning that you forget to take you normal drug...

a year later-after being said at the end of the year (well i know you're a nice boy and all that, but i don't know you enough to be friends still"(and i quoted) yet from the hipe from the love-drug i just understood that sentence as "hey maybe later" so i didn'g get sad an all just pushed it further in-time.

we lived there for 2 more years and during that time i got into a school with 5 girls to 500 boys...yep the worst a boy can have while "being addicted to love and masturbation" so to compensate for that i got more into masturbation, the images were not enough this time so i went onto movies and short films...not that i would watched them for more than 2-5minutes but got more into it...no crazy things just the normal boys fucks girls type...of course shearched for free material anywhere.

and here were where i actually did it for the hipe of it, not for the actual orgasm-because i realised it doesn't last for long but more instead to supress my points of frustration and anger and sadness and boredom. virtual games and virtual girls...

double trouble i did...
part 3 will come with the word-redefinings...

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that dreaming about love is better that masturbation
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare how much energy i get from participating within various mindfucks such as masturbation, daydreaming, loving, and direct myself to gain the most energy for my mind as me and fail to realise that i cause more harm with generating more energy for my mind thant vise verse
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to attain more and more energy.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only generate energy in order to supress the negative side of my participation instead of realising that i always existed in a polarity and i can stay on one side of the polarity only for a finite amount of time and that the more high i go in a cycle the more low i will end up at the other end of the polarity.
I forgive myself that i have accepted andallowed myself to exist within and as only plarity constructs and not consider myself as one and equal to my direct and indirect participations
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to drug myself with the orgasms i get from participating within and as my mind as me, and within and as the polarities i allowed myself to participate within.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not consider anything at all and to not see understand and realise what the physical is showing to me/reflecting to and as me and only care about getting high.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the experiance of getting high/being low to exist within and as me
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a polarity construct as wanting/fearing within a polarity construct of getting high/being low. and so create matrixes inside matrixes and limit and cage myself within and as all of these.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and relise that wants/desires are only existing if i am allowing and participating within and as them, and thus only here to limit and contain myself within and as them

i commit myself to stop all participation within and as generating energy and sucking it from my physical through and as participating within and as masturbation.
i commit myself to walk here, within and as breath in every moment, and see realise and understand what tocuhing a body, either mine or other's is experianced in the physical and to use it only as a support for me and my physical body or the other one's or it's body in equality and oneness.
i commit myself to stop myself from believing something that is totally against/not common sense and to investigate any and all points that i used to believe in to make sure that i see the reality here and not get into my mind and lie to myself.
i commit myself to being self honest within and as myself to be able to investigate things and point here in common sense.

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