2012-06-27

Day 46: Masturbation & Sex part 3: switching drugs

So i ended last post where i got all turned inside and became more of an introwert who's pretending to be an extrowert human...

during this time, based on my pshycologiacal journey of enlightement of my own, of course i started shearching for beings to share my ego and to enlight them and investigate their behaviors and reactions and perfect them to understand the world around us as I SEE.

so i went up on online chat sites and went into the "magic" room and started having conversations there sharing insights and helping people understand themselves...so along this road i made myself pretty much friends and i chose some of them to be really friends not just chat partners. those ones i draw away from the public chats and became only private MSN-based conversations pretending that i care about their dayly things and lives, and therefore (as i knew it works this way) by me listening and encouraging and basically showing that i am a stable being who GIVES A SHIT about them making them my friends and they got into it like tough and saw me as a friend from last lifes who have been their best friend ever...

i did this so much till a not young but hopeless girl have fallen to the same "trap" and she while sharing to me, started to move closer and closer in terms of the relationship, becoming more and more intimate with me untill she at our first meeting expressed altough not clearly that she fallen into me, and would like to have a relationship with me...i was really shy in this situation-basically because apart from pron i've never experienced anything like this starting a boy-girl relationship, so i went on and made myself believe in my own crap - yeah total backfire - thtat she is my other half and that i'm not complete without her and still existed in the "it's enough if i'm with her" thought.

once while she was again up in the city (she lived far 200km but came sometime to visit relatives) and we came to meet and she asked me if i will escort her to the bus station...so it was late and alone so i said yes, we went there than she asked if you would go with her home...of course she thrown in all the arousing points that we will be alone and her looks and stuff...and at that point i allowed myself to fall into my mind of craving for what i have been looking at for 6 years of pictures and videos...so i agreed to go with her, the ticket were cheap so i went on...without letting any of my roomates (grandma+brother) nor any relatives to where i'm going or what i'll do, even turned my damn phone off to leave it behind...

and we got where she lived in a house all alone, got to sleep and of course it was kinda weird and suddenly we started kissing each other. and it went on and i made my first intercourse-or more like to call it a dual-sexual-experiance...because man from those porns and all that masturbation and being that high that being in a girls house and bed with her and being all naked&stuff and getting serious-i lasted for about 3-5 seconds only...getting my first one as a huge embarrasment point...altough she said it's okay and tried to comfort me well but it was too late...as soon as i shot i supressed it as hard as i could and it is still here...so i'm bringing it out, yes it was really bad feeling...seeing that tons of educational video about how to do it where to do it what means what, how to make a girl get to orgasm and all that stuff was just plain useless when i finally got there. it was because i had way huge expectations for myself and of course for her...let's say because she were not fond of the actual dic's she had in her life it was not went as in the moovies that like 1-2mins foreplay/person and then jumping into action...more like a "let's do it now" kinda.

anyway i stayed there for the weekend...had two more trials with it getting a bit better than before but still-not like i expected from myself...and i could see that she is not totally fulfilled with it also. i went back and of course it was a big point made out of it and stuff but this post is not about that.

later on, when i helped her to move here and study here in this city it was cool, having to go with her to flats and dormrooms and such...having a relationship for real in my life...but of course based on this supression of myself i spiced up our relationship with lies and role-playing so much just to make it stable. and even in sex, i mean plenty of times she actually believed that she is making it with another being, who i just made up and acted like chanelling.fucking with your everliving angels? who doesn't fall for that? speaking with the universe itself-anyonw who believes it will want it...this is how the mind works, it is so incomprehensive that it creates TONS of energy to thrive for the mind...so i not just abused myself through creating multiple personalities which i have voiced out but even abused her into believing it and lying about it.

back to the point the sex became my next step in addiction.

it seems typical to have a kind of progression of experimenting->masturbating->finding someone who let you stuff into her holes->wanting more of the latter ect. but of course i drived the feeling and believing of doing it a special way.

looking back as myself here i never really see this entire point of "developemnet" i only existed within and as it and just wanted to get more and more of it...actually after having done it for some time i saw myself that i have more vicious thoughts about sex...i did masturbate but only before meeting or maybe max once a week only...and those thoughts and pictures and idealizations EVEN DREAMS were mostly about forcefully fucking a woman, and only caring about my pleasure, while on the other hand in reality i existed as the complete opposite of that often giving orgasms more times than i got...being this giving person who only wants to give and when given accepts it willingly...i also realised that hwen i produce an orgasm for her...without fucking...actually if i do it long enough and she's really high from it and expressing it really i can have a small orgasm too...only from giving one...so of course this helped me with keeping her at my side. and so i also realise that when seeing woman i often fantasize how they would be in bed with me...i didn't like this tough but it was not so often so i got along with it.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to shearch ways to maintain the growth of my energy generation from  masturbation.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to only masturbate in order to generate energy for the mind and so do this based on the beliefs that it is good for me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only seek the good feeling after masturbation and constinue to exist within and as it.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect masturbation to the feeling of good/high, and not reealising that it is only lasts for so long and that to be able to keep myself feeling good/high i have to do it regularly which will only cause me to fall on the other side of the polarity and upon that change to be more low/depleted.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to achiveve a certain level wihtin sex based on the idea that i know everything about it without even realising that i in fact have never done it physically.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to consider my human physical body in terms of lack of development in sexual encounter
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to express myself to my partner openly about my state, and how i experience myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress my thoughts, feelings and emotions based on my judgement that i have failed to meet my expectations.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and my partner about what i experience here.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire sex as a meaning of enjoyment and energy for my mind.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to engage in sex only in order to generate energy for my mind as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the feeling good/high to and as sex based on the experiance of orgasm and the idea that everyone i have seen having sex felt good while doing it.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the system that portrays sex as a good/normal thing between humans without considering it's physical effects to me or any longterm effect it can have except STD's
i forgive myself for accepting ad annlowing myself to seperate myself from my partner
i forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to seperate myself from the act of sex and while doing so looking at myself from a third-person perspective within my mind
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to check how i am looking from the outside and compare myself to what i have seen in porn movies/pictures.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to want/desire to have sex like what i have seen in porn.

actually my body were kinda supporting with this point because hwenever i got really into being a movie-actor banging a girl and starting to do it as "professional looking" as it's protrayed i comed fast after that. so showing that i am doing something really "wrong".

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to based on my self-supression and anxiety hurry up my senses and come shortly after making contact but only doing so when concentrating on the actual intercourse and what i sense with my dick.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to constantly and continuosly participate wihtin and as my mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions while having intercourse with andother.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realise how i am fucking up myself nad the other being in my mind which takes all the energy from the physical before-during and after sex.

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