2012-06-29

Day 47: Masturbation & Sex part 4: the change

so i were in this huge realtiosnhip and love and being high that i can have a sex with an actual human being, altough only with limitations and restrictions but thats more than nothing!

and so the times arrived where i met desteni and got into realising myself.

this ment i have revised my whole starting point of being in the relationship nad having sex and starting to be totally self-honest to myself and others as well especially with her. so i realised i cannot continue with the relationship we had so i broke it up, saying that "i will not do it anymore".

at first it was easy to not have sex-made myself unconnectable by her, shut off all comunication, the while reviewing it i opened up it again saying she is just like me...then we sort of made out for some time...after-relationship-sex, where i also expressed and tried to do it within and as breath and she realised that it is different that way. but obviusly i cannot keep that for long...so i kept on half-participating till the shit first started smelling so i stopped again. it was a kind of slow reduction in sex where i started to have less and lesseach week, and then nothing.

yet because i supressed this point what i've been writing out fo the fourth day and basically went back into masturbation yet not increased it, only once a week...i know it i kept track of it.but another point arised where i allowed myself to go into a sligh depression and mostly anger and sadness based on that i started to feel guilty about it...every time i finished with myself this massive guilt which i have had from the start but kep on supressing and supressing jsut kame up and up till i'm not taking it. no more guilt.

so actually i am through my process started realising my penis then going into masturbation then getting addicted to it, then started having sex, then getting addicted to it, then stopping sex and now stopping maturbation...dealing with the layers one by one peeling them off...i couldn't do it any other way without getting back into it again. and this is where one can see and realise how this process unfolds that how effective i bacame through pushing myself to actually after two years for blogging i can write this point out. and here can i see how the whole point built up and gets cleaned up by me...and reality is, i cannot do it any other way nor can i NOT do it...

about the guilt and the word masturbation:so when starting out based on the realisation that my parents are hiding the truth about my body and what i can do with it, made me think that i must hide every action regarding the use of my penis, so this made me separate myelf further. also almost in any community sex&masturbation is a tabu thing where noone is talking about it but everyone thinks about it and wants to talk about it...like ultimate supression.
so i developed this guilt because i should not do it but it so cool and feels good and ect.

also with sex it was not a guilt experiance but rather a "not meeting my expectations" and being angry and sad about myself...while also doubting myself and what i knew-learned.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myseklf to seperate myself from the act of sex and the act of masturbation.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider what i am participating and allowing within and as myself while having sex or masturbation and existing only within and as my mind.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realise what my participation within the mind while having sex or masturbation does to my human physical body.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my human physical body when having sex & masturbation.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to supress my emotions feelings thoughts about sex & masturbation bsed on the belief that i cannot handle it
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the action of sex or masturbation.
i forgive myself for accepting asnd allowing myself to not express myself and supress my self expression whenever i would exspress about sex or masturbation based on the idea that i  am not supposed to talk about such things openly.
i forgive myself for not acceptign and allowign myself to realise and understand that i cannot stop this point without writing it out and forgiving myself.
i forgive mysel that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear working on this point based on self-supression.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see this point is huge and therefore create a fear about working on/with it and thus postpone myself in my process.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i will not have sexual encounters after working on the point and stopping my participation within my mind, thus allowing a backdoor to exist and to quit from actuall stopping myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get aroused by pictures and videos of human beings or animals having the physical sexual encounter based onthe back chat and the acceptance of the workings of my mind that hwat i see is equal to what i actually experiance therefore trick my body into getting aroused based on my mind telling it to do so while in fact having no circumstance of being in a physical situation of preparing to an intercourse.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse my body into getting aroused and thus allwo myself to put it into an extreme state of excitement.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within and as backchat in my mind about having sex and thus creating a physical consequence of being aroused.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my decicive power away to my mind in terms of deciding what i do with my human physical body and how it's operates.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be here within and as breath while wathing images and videos of sex.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create an importance towards the points of sex & masturbation
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mysefl to connect the word "masturbation" to a positive/good/right feeling
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "masturbation" to sex
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "masturbation" as sex
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "masturbation" and sex trough defining the word "masturbation" within and as sex
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "masturbation" to joy
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "masturbation" wihtin and as joy
i forgive myself for accepting nad allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "masturbation" and from joy trough defining the word "masturbation" wihtin and as joy
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "masturbation" to guilt
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define masturbation within and as guilt
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "masturbation" and from guilt trough defining the word "masturbation" within and as guilt

i commit myself to whenever i am seeing a picture or a video either with my eyes or in my head as thousght, to stop, breathe and direct myself within and as not participating in them and giving back my power to direct myself and my body, and thus continue doing so.
i commit myself to stop myself allwoing bachat to drive me into participating within and as my mind and thus stop all backchats that exist within and as myself.
i commit myself to show my jorney of stopping and peeling off the layers of separation and abuse i allowed nad accepted and lived by, and support others as myself in stopping allowance and acceptance of participation within and as energy generation with and as the mind.
i commit myself to express myself openly and speak about sex & masturbation freely and share my process and experiance with anyone who's willing to do the same and express and give feedback as one and equal.
i commit myself to stop any participation in masturbation and sex from the starting point of generating energy for the mind systems and from the starting point of feeling good/high/orgasmic.
i commit myself to stop any and all abuse done to  the physical both on my body and any other being's body also in the points of sex & masturbation.

http://flatrock.org.nz/static/frontpage/assets/relationships/equal_partnerships.jpg

i commit myself to see and realise the equality between beings and partners within and as agreements and puch myself to do onto others as equal to myself.

so let's redefine this word:

masturbation:
as i lived this before it meant enjoyment, relaxation, pleasure, explosion, orgasm and can be done most of the time, and as a means of anti-depressant, so i apllied both positive and negative charge to it...
i have always given this word to myself and in that i felt good about it because it "made my day", altough when i received(very few times)it, it was a negative thing based on that i shouldn't do it and it's immoral and disgusting.
i defined this from the perspective of - learning and preparing to sex and doing something instead of it. separating it from the whole relationship and sex points.


dictionary definition:

    Masturbation refers to the sexual stimulation of a person's genitals, usually to the point of orgasm.[1] The stimulation can be performed manually, by use of objects or tools, or by some combination of these methods.[2] Masturbation is a common form of autoeroticism, providing sexual pleasure or orgasm in the absence of a partner. The act, when performed with a partner, is called mutual masturbation and is sometimes used as an alternative to sexual intercourse.(wikipedia)

sounding the word:

master bait on me: it is a bait which i hang on to and let myself pulled into it
retranslate from hungarian:"más túr bennem áll" meaning other-dig-stand-in-me:letting my mind to stand instead of taking responsibility
must our ate: i must do it and feed the mind
my steer be it: giving power/control away intentionally

self forgiveness:
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "masturbation" to joy
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "masturbation" within and as joy
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "masturbation" and from joy trough defining the word "masturbation" within and as joy
i forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to want/desire to experiance joy and thus within this desire/want to experiance/participate within masturbation
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "masturbation" to happyness
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "masturbation" within and as happyness
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "masturbation" and from happyness trough defining the word "masturbation" within and as happyness
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the want/desire  of joy/happyness in order to motivate myself to go into masturbation and thus creating an addiction where i am only taking the drug and not considering any aspects of it other than what i wanted to experiance from the first place
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only live masturbation from tha startign point of experiancing it and the orgasms and not see understand and realise the physical consequences i create within and as my participation nor the fact that i am only sucking up energy from the body while i experiance joy/happyness and thus literally kill my physical body which regardless supports me and provides for me and stands as an ethernal point of support.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "masturbation" with education
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the the word "masturbation" within and as education
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "masturbation" and from education trough defining the word "masturbation" within and as education
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when i am trying out what i learn from porn within and as masturbation then i am only educating myself in the topics of sex
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that when i masturbate i am training my penis to be able to keep myself from reaching an orgasm while having sex, within this i realise that i have not investigated or tested anything out just based my application om my thoughts and did not take self-responsibility for my participations
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "masturbation" to the word "routine"
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "masturbation" within and as the word "routine"
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "masturbation" and from the word "routine" trough defining the word "masturbation" wihtin and as the word "routine"
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "masturbation" to porn
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word the word "masturbation" wihtin and as porn thus i forgive myself that i have accepted myself that i have linked these two tightly together and so none could exist without another
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "masturbation" and from porn trough defining the word "masturbation" within and as porn
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "masturbation" to an image of a woman expressing an orgasm
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "masturbation" to this picture of a woman
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "masturbation" and from this picture of a woman trough defining the word "masturbation" within and as a picture of a woman expressing an orgasm.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing a picture of a woman expressing an orgasm to exist within and as myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to this picture of a woman
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the picture of a woman expressing an orgasm.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "masturbation" to pain
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "masturbation" within and as pain
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sepererate myself from the word "masturbation" and from pain trough defining the word "masturbation" within and as pain
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see/understand and realise that the pain i experiance is only showing/revealing myself what i am in fact doing with my body and thus indicate that i should stop yet i allowed myself to create an experiance from this and define this experiance as something good/positive/right.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "masturbation" to the color red
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "masturbation" within and as the color red
i forgive myself for accepting nad allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "masturbation" and from the color red trough defining the word "masturbation" wihtin and as the color red
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a connection between masturbation and red based on how my penis looks after masturbation, thus i forgive myself for not accepting myself to see and realize that this color is showing only that my body is harmed during masturbation process.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "masturbation" ti fear of being naked with women
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the the word "masturbation" within and as the fear of being naked with women
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "masturbation" and form the fear of being naked with women trough defining the the word "masturbation" within and as the fear of being naked with women
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to supress and exert my fear of being naked with women and thus move myself from this starting point to masturbate based on my fears which arise whenever i see an attractive women either in clothes or naked
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being naked with women based on my acceptance on my preprogramming of separation within sexes and participation wihtin and as the male/female polarity construct.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word "masturbation" with a positive value
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "masturbation" within and as positive/good/right
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect myself to the word "masturbation" within and as separation of myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as the word "masturbation" and all the connected definitions i have created to/tihin this word
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "masturbation" and from the action of masturbation thus all of the connected points and definitions i created a relationsship to and as the word "masturbation"


creative definitions:

self stimulation of the body in a way that it releases sexual energy, stimulation of one's erogenus zones in order to prepare the body for intercourse, allowing the body to release the friction that has been piling up within and as it.

Final definition "masturbation":

An action of applying physical touch to one's body to be and become the expression of the totality of/as the physical body.

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