Day 49-50: Awareness walk

two days of self contrast, 2 for the polarity, two to find the OoooWwww-Tensions, 2 to find the third one...myself.

what made me push myself to this test? the seein and the realisation of my previos days of activity...the specific writing it out does assist A LOT.

so i saw myself getting into the old habits of not willing myself to assign time to process myself as much so i started this testing to cross reference myself here to see what extent i can go...

so the first day i went into the 90% mind version where i allowed myself every thing and anything regardnig manifesting-acting out what me as my mind wants/desires...of course within the boundaries of doing something alone. wne into playing games to wathing long hours of films, and eating sugar, resting without breathing-aware, daydreaming even masturbatio...

and today in contrast i walked a day of commitment and procssing wrokds with only 5-6 hrs of 18 spent with non-process related activities and also doing those here within and as breath...a day i would consider doing what is best for all.

the first obvius difference is in the body...not being tired, the next major thing is that i am more able to remember what i did. also no pains or urges or thoughts arise so generally "calmer" mind.

what is the real difference between them? of couse it's only me, me deciding to either abuse and fuck myself over or choose the only option to walk and breathe here as life and process myself and clean myself of my shit.

but also here led to the realization of that i am not yet totally clear within and as the word "awareness"

my experinance with this word was never really much before my process...it only meaned that i am conscious the opposite of being knocked out or unconscious.
my life from the very early on was only about being informed and knowing about what is real. i was taught at home and at school too that the only important thing is to know who, where and what you are and to have information about your enviroment and surroundings and fellow humans ect.
so i only lived from the point of information and knowledge and thus this also helped me as the mind to develop and thrive on my HPB. and also leading me to continue on participating and creating more separation within and as myself.

only later when encountering spiritualistic texts and seminars i met with this word and incorporated into myself as something that defines my spiritual oneness with others...NOT eqality though.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist writing self-forgiveness for the word "awareness" and thus try to postpone my process of walking and re-defining word within and as myself here.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connet the word "awareness" to spirituality and thus give it a special/higher meaning than other words
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word "awareness" with a positive/good/right charge and allow myself to generate energy within and as using the word "awareness" and create energy with it and only exist within and as the point of energy when speaking this word.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to connect the word "awareness" to ascension within nad as the belief that if i am aware of certain things then i am ascended those points and thus superior to those who haven't yet done so,i realise that i only made myself inferior within this based on that i give away my power of being aware of myself within and AS the thing/point and only exist within and as information and knowledge about it and thus just regurgitate this informations and knowledge instead of walking it for myself here within the physical.

i commit myself to consider eveything and every being before stating that i am aware of something within and as myself in equality and oneness.
i commit myself to push myself to/towards becoming and being aware of myself as all the points as i have seperated myself from and as and therefore walk the physical process of stopping myself from separating myself from the world and all parts/beings of it based on the realisation that i am in fact one and equal to and as all things/beings here and thus i am not at all seperate only when i go into my mind within and as thoughts feelings emotions ideas preceptions ect. and make myself inferior to the world and what i am in fact.
i commit myself to walk as an example of bringing myself back here and existing within and as awareness of and as what is here.

so the dictionary definition of awareness is:

    Awareness is the state or ability to perceive, to feel, or to be conscious of events, objects or sensory patterns. In this level of consciousness, sense data can be confirmed by an observer without necessarily implying understanding. More broadly, it is the state or quality of being aware of something. In biological psychology, awareness is defined as a human's or an animal's perception and cognitive reaction to a condition or event.

    (more on it here: wiki)

let's sound this word:

SENsory REaction of AWe Automatically, less, airness, awe lair,

creative writing:

placing me into and as the the other being while also being/point here within and as myself, existing as all here, being my body itself, ability to consider any and all point here in common sense, not allowing distractions, not giving attention to anything,yet existing self-cosciously as all things as if it were myself

final redefinition of "awareness":

an action or state where one is being here within and as the physical, while within this considering all things/beings("objects of awareness") as itself , and not giving attention to specific parts/beings.