Here i realized that actually i only exist as what i do...the problem is i do not "see" the most of what i do.
what i mean by i am what i do? i exist here, as all as one and equal, yet what i do in the physical, in this moment, that is me, nothing more nothing less...there is no special meaning BEHIND what i do, when i do something it is what i am...altough i do things that i am unaware in the moment, like thinking for example.

and the real problems emerge when i concentrate on one thing of the many that i do in one moment and the others are not being considered equally. for example when i hammer a nail and also think about something that "came to my mind" and not considering what i do as hammering just the thought and the feelings/pictures/memories i connected with what i thought and sometimes get lost "up there". of course noone can do this without experiencing the consequences in this example i will definately band the hammer on my hand because i hit the nail at such an angle that the hammer slipped off of it. participating (doing) things that are not part of the physical world aka. only self created illusion and not "real" while doing something in the physical always has consequences. it is because the physical (the things our body nature animals ect.) supports us in the process of bringing ourselves HERE into and as what is real and making sure we cannot "escape" reality. pain and accidents are a clear example when one has gone into the realms of non-existent activity. and this is actually cool if one has the awareness to see understand and realise this unconditional support. without it we just get back into more and more mindfucking ourselves and more and more accident's happen till we realise or die and realise.
till i started walking this process i used to define myself as my past experiances, my "developed" personalities, characteristics ect. here when i breathe and bring myself here i symply cannot define myself as anthing else than what i do in the moment...from the most fundamental of breathing to enything complex like planning a furniture...all i do is what i am and what i am is what i do. of course all my previous experiances within and as memories are stored inside myself and i am what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become...but this consequences of the past only adjusts what i do therefore this keeps the saem thing of i am what i do. and i am particularly not writing "how" i do because in the action of doing itself concludes all the things necessary to make it happen like all the cells work the neuro-impulses sent ect. the quantity and the quality of those details are irrelevant. the way that one is holding something with the left hand or the right hand it does not matter because what he is doing either was is holding that thing. that's it. simple.
also this realisation shown me how much i "try" to define who i am or how i do things and define myself according to the how's and why's and where's and when's and whith-whom's. when in fact these are completely irrelevant and only matters to me in order to be able to keep thinking about these and fuck myself over and over and over again.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see understand and realize what i do in the physical reality and only care about what i think about what i do.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realize that i am participating within thoughts feelings emotions pictures memories while also doing physical activity and that i supress my awareness while participating within and as my mind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make mental activity such as thinking feeling reviewing memories a prioirty over phisical awareness and existance.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be aware of my phyisical body based on the starting point of participating within and as my mind.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider my actions both physical and mental equally and therefore participate within and as the point of superiority/inferiority within and as polarity as myself, seperateing myself from myself. and from the activities i do
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the activity i am currently existing within and as.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about what i am currently doing instead of actually being here and being one and equal within and as what i am doing here.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to create an idea and a picture and a memory from an activity i can do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create memories of myself doing activities and compare them wtih my current existance and physical participation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself and what i do based on those memories
I forgive myself for4 accepting and allowing myself to compare myself within and as what i do here with my memories of similar past experiances of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself and what i do here within and as the memories i have of similar events from my past experiances.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from what i do here and from my memories by judgeing, compareing and defining what i do here within and as my memories
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within and as my past-present-future based on experiances, compare and judgements of myself in separation.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only see and realize myself and what i participate within and as myself when a being judged seperate from me by me supports me within and as showing myself what i participate within and as.
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realise myself before another being shows my participation within and as oneness and equality.