2012-06-27

Day 54: "Let them come" part 1

Here i realised that i have been existing within and as a personality which basically defended me from other people based on my beliefs that other people and this and that...and thus made myself only "wait for others to come to me".

This is again linked with interacting with others, a base point of it. and what do i do with base pillars of my personality/contructs? i shake myself just as the earth shakes itself and not stop till all what is left is only myself in equality and oneness.

Let's start at the beginning of the construct: as i have written before i was abused many times in my first 4 years of elementary or if not abused then continuosly offended and provoked to defend myself physically. i wouln't really cared about the names and seeing/hearing them sing a mockery song, yet what i could not stand is when one is physically abusing/forcing another to do something, either me or others. I stood as this because it was clear to me that such behaviour is not just neglegence but actually not taking into consideration anything "just because" of selfishness and self-limitations, of course because i did not stand it I have always fought back, fist with fist, eye to eye. I really hated when kids based on their programming and not understanding-not even wanting to- just go on and beat the smaller kids-in most cases me, so i made my ways to become stronger, cleverer and be more effective than their normal "tank" strategy.

altough while doing this i missed two key points i have been never made aware before:first of all that i do THE SAME THING only with a different excuse and secondly that I REACT only and never direct myself nor the points arisen.

so i bacem this anit-Bully personality based on my acceptances and allowances, and some have pretty liked this because based on they fear they could not do such things. this went for about the first two years of my student life...
after this and many many principal messageing to my mother i jsut got "fed up" with those kids not learning their place and how to behave with others, and after some investigation i found out that they are not that assholes when i'm not there...or not speaking into what they say basically learned slowly that when i keep my mouth shut and accept and allow their behaviour as it is (just like their parents do at home) then they are fine with that and not harm me or provoke that often...
so in the 4th year i was pretty much calme with them maybe 1 or 4 fights occured during the year...yet i had to secrifice myself for this.

i sacrificed=given up within  believing/wanting people to be at least as understanding and respectful as i was towards them, so i had to realise that humanity and kids mostly are 90% "motherfuckers" and "assholes" or "agressive morons" so as i wen into accepting these typisations and categorizations i have directed myself to massively seperate myself from other humans. and created the first real layers of other humans where i grouped and categorized my acquaintances and assigned specific behaviours to specific groups.

but the largest group of humans i assigned one rule over all other: "keep interactions minimum".

part 2 will follow...

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define my moment to moment participation within and as the world by certain specific rules i create based on fears judgements and dishonesties thus seperate and judge and fear the world and all parts of it.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and alowed myself to seperate myself from the world based on the fear of getting hurt/dead
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge other humans and myself within and as their action in the physical, and not taking self responsibility to direct a point here
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do and act within and as physical forcing of something/someone based on the belief that what i am asking them to do is the "right" thing and not considering everything while judgeing them
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to apply the same tools of force on another that i am standing against and to not realise that by doing so i am actually participating in and as the same construct therefore allow and accept it to exist within and as the world and not actually standing up and showing an example of how to live
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my abusive action within and as that i do the right thing and  that it must be done.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from my actions and only see and consider my starting point and not the actual image and likeness i am or the physical consequence of what i participate wihtin and as.
i forgive mysfelf that i have accepted and allowed myself to further seperate myself from others based on the justification of that i want no truble anymore with them and thus only act from the strting point of self-interest and fear
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if i am not interacting with the world i can evade the world interacting with me thus i will not have to worry about being hurt or dead by other humans, thus creating the fear of humans within and as myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear humans
i forgive myself for accepting and lalowing myself to fear the reactions of humans to me
i forgive myself for accepting and laloiwng myslef to believe that humans can only exist wihtin and as reactions and thus when neglecting them i can evade/neglect their reactions too
i forgive myself for accepitng and allowing myself to exert my frustration and anger onto other beings around me
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as frustration and anger
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to frustration and anger.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give up on changing others AS WELL AS changing MYSELF creating the belief that i cannot change anything and thus allow myself to participate and be controlled by my backhat of sucess and faliure

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