2012-06-27

Days 24-26: Focus or insanity&Neglection

I am standing up from my fall(s) and the fact that i have allowed myself to only participate a small amount during these days.



what happened? nothing. what did i do? i have been fucking myself over and over and over these days initially reaching a point where again i tripped myself and fell. i wanted to write every day about this point yet written only small portions and i saw it is not the complete point and it has more to go yet failed to notice how i am allowing me to take a backdoor that i can write about this and sum it all "later". yes i am reaching an end of a cycle i made for myself for some time ago.


again allowed myself to get to a point of physical sickness as seen on this picture-eyes being red&bloody, my throat is sore and having a lil' bit of nausea or dizziness once in a while. wanting to only sleep/rest in a horizontal position and just "get lost" without breathing. but I cannot allow this anymore. this is not who i am, just what i accepted and allowed to be&become and this upports me in showing myself to myself so i can see the points-get it out, investigate and "solve" myself out through processing myself with self-honesty and self-forgiveness and corrective actions, and thus can release the point and break free of the endless cycles of self submission-self abuse-and torture of my body.

i start it here and go backwards in these days and collect what is connected to what and how i have been in this point for several months/years of my previous life.
this is a point of "focus" and that i have set myself on a importance-rated schedule of activities of what i do in a day or a week or a month or a year ect. setting up these priorities currently in this world is absolutely a must, because one always have to be aware and sort of plan forward in order to be able to maitain and "survive" in the current system. food, water, shelter, warmth, these are all of our top priorities. i am in a situation where i am take care of this needs by another and i am glad that i am able to have them. other priorities like having to study and get a degree or having a job and earning money is also high ranking based on the same survival elements. and then comes the rest of things i need to take care of like walking my process, sorting myself out, learning about-as the process, investigating the world and myself and how these fucntion ect.

in these last two days and the remaining third one(today) i have been the example of manifested "focus" meaning that i have became the very essence of focus altough in a way that actually it is more wreckless and ignorant (like the mind as me is used to do it) than any other thing.
and this is clearly NOT BEST FOR ALL.
and this is manifested because i have reached a "deadline" of a schoolproject, where i am having to do tests and proove myself worthy of the "carpenter" or "furniture maker" title and the paper that they give me upon success which will 'help' within finding a job to work in.
and this point is strictly connected to a point of stress where i allowed myself to be and become stressed by the system and allow this stress to "posess me" in the meaning of getting myself to a state where i react to this "enviromental stress" and produce a stress-reaction which on the other end "abuses" the body by being in such state that the non-essential parts of myself is being shut down in order to reallocate resources to survival. but is it REALLY worth the 'price' of this? yes this is why i became sick. i allowed myself to be in a state of stress and react to it for more than a week and now i have to face the consequences of it.

and this has been reflected in my writing as well and got pointed out to me (thanks) that i should investigate the point, and i did, yet i only looked at it and tried to be aware of it and kind of stop it yet failed to write it out forgive and correct it before application so it was not at all successful. and this is actually the case that without the correct processing of myself i cannot JUST stop myself-noone can or it will be only temporary and really won't last for long.

so looking back at my two years past and actually all of my past i have been a guy who have decided to upon comitting to something will execute that thing "no matter what happens" and this is a point of being able to focus on a subject or topic or goal and untill it is "finished" i have worked on it again and again and only caring about that one eventually sometimes getting to a state of blind-acting and going wreckless in order to reach the goal. there is no problem with committment and being able to commit myself to do something even if it takes a loing time to "finish" or if it's a endless scenario. the real problem comes from the point of considering nothing else while actually walking towards the goal of the commitment. and that is not just not best for all but also creates abuse, hatred, friction, war, and hurts beings.

looking back at my life i see where i developed this sense of recklessness, in elementary i were in a class which were a "sport-class" which means that the class is organised in a way that the students have not just the normal classes like history and grammar and such but also have extra classes of sports and gym-time. i was part of the basketball team of our class and all tha class had 3+4class/week (5,25hrs/week) of gym activity and basketballing plus the occasional competitions and challanges and match-games played with other school's students.
there i was "taught" that i have to focus on the game and how the others are placed around me, and my teachers were really like drill masters in the military, they wanted the best out of those 8-10year old kids and we drilled and exercised and practiced and played matches and run around the scool ect.
so without dedication i simply could not achieve what was required from me. there were this stress of not being good enough for the teacher then you not get to be in the team, then you cannot play just sit on the sidebench lal along matches and basically you are "out". so the teacher INTENTIONALLY created a competition between us to compete in order to be the best. of course they were also examples to look up to and they shown dedication, will and efforts resulting great things, like trophies and respect earned by fellow teachers.
it's not their fault, they wanted to teach us how to survive in this hars enviroment by showing how they survived and thrive and that this is "a way" of climbing higher than most folks. and the rest of my life really shows this that this dedication and ability to remain focused really got me where i wanted to be and reached certain goals other could not stand for. but the price they did not show at all. or it could been seen on them having injuries and bodyly disfunctions, but they did not discussed the topic at all, hiding it, based on self-disgust and i could see in them that some of their life they actually regretted but of course i did not listen musch to that.

and from this early age 8-10 i began to do things this way, and developed a "filter" for my world around me. i filtered my friends, my teachers, my activities, everithing i could interact with i categorized, prioritized, stored and kept updating andlive within and as this orginised robotic nature, always keeping in mind my duties and priorities. of course these were mainly mishaps of life for example i have been prioritizing playing computer games over 16 years of my life-which basically got me nowhere only more into it becoming an addict of it.

and here i see this is all about me accepting and allowing myself to develop skill i clearly do not understand fully or investigated at all. but how come a child do this? we are shown by our parents how "hard" it is to live in a society when you are at the middle or at the low levels of society and so the kid is influenced by this to try and find ways to survive. so we are shown and silently taught that a child have to grow up quickly and gather info and methods fast and develop certain skills fast in order to be able to survive because we are in a really hars social enviroment and the protection of the parents are not long term at all. add the social insecurity of fighting/divorced parents and you have a perfect mix of a screwed up child. and here are many of us with the same problems due to such "enviromental effects". we all know that a child's way of developing is based on two factors:genetic heritage and enviromental effects. at least in the old system.

but getting back to me...so i have accepted the stress around me to effect me and generate a stress response to it, yet i did not REALLY experienced much of the consequences because i "compensated" with approx the same time spent with relaxation (gaming, playing outside, biking ect.) and so i had kind of a balanced stress situation. no wonder why i could not stop playing games:i had to relax and release the stress i have developed during the day of school! all this time living unaware of myself, reacting and reacting, compensating and not even looking at it. oh boy what a fuckup mess i made of myself. and even in my later years i only kept on doing it after realising what i am based on the "i have to do this because of the outside effects" and basically not wanting to take responsibility(heaven't being taugh in school at all!) for myself and what i am and became.

till here no further.

the problem is: society, and the wanting to be controllers of society WANTS humans to be like this. to only focus on one aspect and do it for the rest of their life. easy to see why:endless mass of self-sustaining one-purpose work machines aka. organic robots. funny thing is, actually our body works the same:80-90% of our body is bacteria which are one-functional self-sustaining organisms which do their job pretty well. and our cells "need" them in order for the body to work. the smallest detail is equal to the larger one.

BUT IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.

the point where i could identify this is that when i get under stress i usually even verbally express: "i don't care, let's do this" when encountering a point that would be distracting me from my path. like having a problem which would require thinking to solve and while applying a solution judgeing the solution before it's finished and shoo-ing away the thoughts of it by saying "i don't care. but actually this is A supression point where whenever i do this i just supress these thoughts-feelings-emotions-judgements-ect. to not be on the surface of my mind and only the important things stay there which i have to focus on. but this creates ton of friction within me and this supression and compression bursts out later when i am not doing tha important things. it's like i carve a piece of wood above a table and when i see the chips on the table i just sweep it off from the table so it does not diturb me and i don't have to deal with it, but this only creates mess around me which i will have to clean up later. same but within the mind where we cannot grab the shit after to take it out because we are "not supposed to" and so we are not taught/shown how to. and after many years we end up drowning within our shit and eventually dying 10times faster than we could be. welcome to the world of human. actually when i look back i did this sweeping off plenty of times in the physical too, yet never really investigated-it became an automatic movement-hmm.

where to start self-forgiveness? HERE!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself not wanting to do self-forgiveness for a point i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and the world within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not stand up for myself and stop myself from my accepted and allowed nature of abuse.
i forgive myself for accepting and llowing myself to blame others for my responsibility of not standing up as life here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not investigate myself to see understand and realise what i am and have become.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to develop myself in a direction i do not clearly understand and acquire skillsets from others without considering all points regarding the skills.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not investigate the life and consequences of others before considering to learn from them and acquire skillsets from them.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for me taking on their skills and way of participation within and as the world without consideration of anything.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to enviromental points within and as stress and stress-reaction and thus compensate with relaxation activities instead of realizing that i am the one who allow stress within and as me and thus i have to take responsibility for myself by standing up and stopping myself and my participation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use gaming as a way of escaping reality of stress and not facing myself and my accepted and allowed nature.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the tasks/duties/processes of my phyisical.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate the activities/processes/duties from each other and create a superiority/inferiority construct within and as myself and categorize, label, and sort, filter these based on certain pre-defined rules&regulations.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a superiority/inferority construct within and as myself instead of realizing that all activities/duties/processes are one and equal and i only have to organise them in time without creating a priority construct within and as them and myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become wreckless where i do and participate within points without any consideration whatsoever.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress points that i express as support for myself to see understand and realise myself and my participation within points.
I forgive myself for acceptign and allowing myself to not see and consider the mess i am creating/have created around and within and as myself and not taking responsibility and cleaning myself through the process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self corrective application.
i forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to work on and investigate points that areise during my day and work on myself instead of realizing that when i supress or delay points i am creating friction within and as myself and only create more shit in me that will lead to consequences.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to postpone my process based on my wanting to focus on what i actually do and so create supression and friction and separation within and as myself instead of realising that within this action i only create more work to do for myself and worsen the consequences of the allowed and accepted points.

continuing in the morning with thought/feelingemotion/picture/word/memory points...
continuing. here after identifying them.

i forgive myself for acceptign and allowing myself to think "i do what i planned, regardless of what is happening-what i create around me."
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought of "i do what i planned, regardless of what is happening-what i create around me." to exist within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and llowing myself to connect having to do something to the thought "i do what i planned, regardless of what is happening-what i create around me."
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the trigger point of having to do something to exist as a trigger-point within and as me and react as the thought "i do what i planned, regardless of what is happening-what i create around me."
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "i do not care about what is in my way of doing something, i either destroy it evade it or supress it within me."
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the thought of "i do not care about what is in my way of doing something, i either destroy it evade it or supress it within me." to exist within and as myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the trigger point of encountering resistance to exist as a trigger-point within and as me and to react to it with the thought "i do not care about what is in my way of doing something, i either destroy it evade it or supress it within me."
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "i do not want to be altered from my path of reaching a goal"
i forgive myself for accepting andallowing myself the thought of "i do not want to be altered from my path of reaching a goal" to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself distraction to exist as a trigger-point withing and as myself and react to it with the thought "i do not want to be altered from my path of reaching a goal"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want /desire to not be altered/distracted from my path of reaching a goal and to allow and accept this want/desire to exist within and as myself.
i forigve myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "i am not considering any other being or it's oppinions/views because i want to do it my way."
i forgibve myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the thought of "i am not considering any other being or it's oppinions/views because i want to do it my way." to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the  hearing other's oppinions/viewsabout what i do, to exist as a trigger-point within and as myself and react to it with the thought "i am not considering any other being or it's oppinions/views because i want to do it my way."
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to do things my way and accept and allow this want/desire to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "i can do whatever i want to reach my goal"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought of "i can do whatever i want to reach my goal" to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the judgement of my application to exist as a trigger-point within and as me and react to it with the thought "i can do whatever i want to reach my goal"
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "anyone who's in my way, i do not need to consider"
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the thought of "anyone who's in my way, i do not need to consider" to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the encounter of someone trying to alter/stop me to exist as a trigger-point within and as myself and react to it with the thought "anyone who's in my way, i do not need to consider"
i forgive myself for acceptign and allowing myself to think "i do not have to take responsibility for outside things effecting me."
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought of "i do not have to take responsibility for outside things effecting me." to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself  the realization of what is 'happening' to me to exist as a trigger point within and as myself and react to it with the thought "i do not have to take responsibility for outside things effecting me."
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from events and being i judge as seperate from me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge events and other beings and myself to be seperate.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "i am just a victim of my heritage and enviroment"
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the thought of "i am just a victim of my heritage and enviroment" to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the point of realising what i am/became to exist as a trigger point within and as myself and react to it with the thought of "i am just a victim of my heritage and enviroment".
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to victimise myself instead of taking responsibility for what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "i cannot control what is around me"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought of "i cannot control what is around me" to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the point of seeing the circumstances lead to a point to exist as a trigger-point within and as myself and react to it with the thought "i cannot control what is around me"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to control myself and my enviroment instead of realising that i am all that i accept and allow myself to be and become and my enviroment only reflect myself as who i am and have become.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "i don't have to know why i'm doing things as long as i'm okay"
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the thought of "i don't have to know why i'm doing things as long as i'm okay" to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself that i have accdepted and allowed myself the point of seeing that i allow and accept a point to direct me to exist as a trigger-point within and as myself and react to it with the thought "i don't have to know why i'm doing things as long as i'm okay"
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not want to know/inve3stigate myself when a point arises which require attention.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "the things are okay the way they are, because they have been this way since forever"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought of "the things are okay the way they are, because they have been this way since forever" to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and postpone point from myself with the thought "the things are okay the way they are, because they have been this way since forever".
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "i don't care about what has just happened to me"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought of "i don't care about what has just happened to me" to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the point of realising myself here within and as the moment to exist as a trigger-point within and as myself and react to it with the thought of "i don't care about what has just happened to me" and thus supressing myself and the point.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress myself and postpone my process with the thought /reaction "i don't care about what has just happened to me".
i forgive myself for acceptinga and allowing myself to think "i do not want to work on the point that has arisen, let me supress it"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought of "i do not want to work on the point that has arisen, let me supress it" to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the point of realising that a point has arisen and requires immediate attention to exist as a trigger-point within and as myself and react to it with the thought of "i do not want to work on the point that has arisen, let me supress it"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to supress point within and as myself based on the decision of doing something else and thus create separation and friction within and as myself instead of realising that i am able to deal with the point that has arisen here within and as breath and do not have to supres it and postpone my process.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and alllowed myself to connect the thoughts previously exposed to the emotion of self-hatred and thus sabotage myself and my process within and as these thoughts.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and alloed myself the emotion of self-hatred to exist within and as me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting lost in the small points because i know there are plenty of them and thus making the points superior to myself and me inferior to my points instead of realising that i am one and equal to and as all the point that are within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing time due to not working towards my goal but taking sidequests, instead of realizing that i am able to direct myself and organise myself in time in order to be able to do many things throught my day-to-day living.
still not done...
finally sitting down again to work on this. more fears coming-
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear consequences of my supression/evasion instead of realizing that i am creating the fear by participating within such points.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting out of the stress cycle of stressing and releasing instead of realizing that i do not have to participate within and as this cycle of self-supression and abuse.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear  looking at all my points and thus create separation and friction within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear investigating my self-accepted behaviour, instead of realizing that when i investigate myself i can take self responsibility for the points and release the point and become my directive principle.
i forgive myself that i hvae accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at what i have accepted and allowed to be and become.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not committing myself to do something and just exist based on the belief that i must do something in order to validate my existance.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to need/want/desire to validate my existance with something seperate from myself and to create the belief that i must do this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear doing nothing both physically and mentally instead of realizing that i am always here and this is an act and a living of a decision therefore there is no such thing as doing nothing.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate my participation within the mind and in the automated physical movement with this point of i have to move in order to "feel" alive.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not thinking instead of realizing that i am not what i think and i am not the act of thinking.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear lack of feelings and emotions.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear lacking fears as motivation.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being stressed by others. thus creating separation from others.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to control myself and my reactions.
I forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to fear loosing total control over myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear death due to lost control of myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being inferior to the world or any part of the world, instead of realizing that only i create this point of inferiority and thus manifest it throught the world i exist within and as.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the word "commitment" to exist in separation within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "commitment".
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to charge the word "commitment" with a positive vale
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "commitment" to the word "focus" and thus create separation.
i forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to define the word "commitment" with the word "focus" within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the words "commitment" and "focus" through defnining the word "commitment" wihtin and as the word "focus".
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "commitment" with the color light-blue.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "commitment" wihtin and as the color light-blue.
i forgive myself for accepting and alllowing myself to seperate myself from the word "commitment" and from the color blue, through defnining the word "commitment" wihtin and as the color light-blue.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "commitment" to having good grades at school.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "commitment" wihtin and as getting good grades at school.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "commitment" and from getting good grades at schhol trough defnining the word "commitment" wihtin and as getting good grades at school.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "commitment" to walking my process.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "commitment" wihtin and as walking my process.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "commitment" and from walking my process through defnining the owrd "commitment" wihtin and as walking my process.
i forgive myself for accdepting and allowing myself to connect the word "commitment" to feeling fulfilled.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "commitment" wihtin and as the feeling fulfilled.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "commitment" and from feeling fulfilled through defnining the word "commitment" wihtin and as fulfillment.
i forgive myslef that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "commitment" with the owrd of "dedication"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "commitment" wihtin and as the word dedication.
Self corrective statements:I realize that i am the only one who creates and manifests the point of inferiority/superiority of myself.
i realize that i am not what i think/feel/belive and i am not the act of thinking.
i realize that i am always here, and here no such thing exist as doing nothing.
i realize that when i investigate myself and my points i am taking self-responsibility for myself and can only release the point this way.
i realize that i do not have to participate within and as the cycle of self-supression and abuse.
i realize that i am capable of organising myself throught my day-to-day living.
i realize that i am one and equal to and as all the point i encounter.
i realize that i am able to deal with the point that has arisen here within and as breath and do not have to supres it and postpone my process.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of neglecting points within myself and my enviroment, i stop, breathe, forgive myself, and walk my self correction here and investigate and process the point encountered.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of supressing points within and as myself i stop, breathe, let go of the supression, forgive myself for the points and walk my self correction here.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of not considering myself fully and others as well i stop, breathe, bring myself back here, and take a look at the points in self-honesty, common sense, and apply the solution which is best for all.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of participating within thoughts, feelings, emotions, pictures, word definitions and memories regarding the points of focus, attention, commitment and dedication, i stop, breathe, forgive myself and let go of the points within and as breath.
i commit myself to walk this process and consider every aspect or point i may encounter within and as myself or experiance in others.
i commit myself to stop my participation within thoughts feeling emotions judgements beliefs oppinions memories pictures ideas and not self-defined words, and so i walk my process of birthing myself here within and as the physical.
i commit myself of writing myself out and my investigation every day considering my physical capabilities.
i commit myself to accept and allow myself to move at a pace that i can walk stable and consistent, and not let myself to get lost winthin and as the matrixes of constructs of myself.

here is all...thanks for reading it all.

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