Day 56: SOUND as me part 1 - the voice within

my sound and voice i always made it special or at leas as long as i can remember...

when i was a kid i was silent for long...i just liked to observe the world and how others around me use that funny thing i hear, they made high pitch noises, low brumms, and plenty of sounds i could hear before i started to talk.
my 4 count breath manifested in physical sound

it took me so long they started being afraid that i will never ever speak...so my parents tried to encourage me speaking by making funny noises and trying to force me to say something.
and so i gave into it and spoke a word...it made them really happy is what i saw so said that couple more times...i didn't knew what i am doing just wanted to see them happy and not fight. and so as i learned how to make certain sound with certain poses of my tounge and mouth it just got automatic.

and when i was able to speak i would literally not stop talking, i liked talking and there were always something to discuss with my parents/other kids mostly i asked questions about why and how things are and tried to get attention and validation to my existance...i did this so much that i got to their nerves...and they begged me to at least for a minute stop talking.

i was not at all aware of how or what it is to speak and create sounds, it just flowed like my thoughts flowed and literally i spoke every last one of them. even spoke when noone was around.

as i grew more and more i started to see others not talking THAT much and so developed another cultural anxiety that i am way too much hanging out of the line if i speak every though of mine so started to supress myself as words and keep them as loud thoughts in my head. altough i always was on the lookout of opportunities where i could share myself endlessly with my "friends".

then in the next school we moved it was a musical elementary/highschool so i started to go to singing basics classes based on that i wanted to be a musician based on that i liked how my father played on the piano for us and also my brother learned it too so it was a motivation. there i learned that i can prolong the sounds from my throat and can chain my words and sounds into a sing/song and thus create "dominance" over air and the listeners, because i realised that when a human hears something and it's a familiar type of sound then it's attention shifts to the object of the sound and thus get hung-up on the sound/music/song/singing. so this way with good singing i could capture other's attention and moreover i felt that i conquer the silent air around the room. this was all based on me not getting enough attention that i wanted at home and being beaten up by my family slightly and being handled in the other previous school as an outsider a noone and this went on for the next school. so i saw we humans do a lot of communication and it's the base of the hierarchy in the society so i went on and played around perfected and tested various sounds and ways....yet quitted the class of singing based on the "too many rules and obligations without any playing music!" character i created.

after some years of expertise and practise i found out that actually humans behave differently when i use different tonalities and loudness and of course the acting performance too...so i realised i can manipulater others by only sounds and prentending poses and actions...it was easy to learn from the others because every kid got a personality they showed to the kids which was WAY DIFFERENT than the behaviour shown to adults...but this also based on the same attitude from the adults behaving differently with children based on that we are children.

later i only sing for myself and spoke long speeches to myself enjoying my words and sentences and reassuring myself that i am sane and right. then this all faded as these energies dried up and i ended up only speaking either speeches to others like a guru sharing knowladge and information or swearing because of games or pain or doing something wrong. and of course the constant and continuos defense and backtalk to and with my family...

if i could cont what and how many words i have used this far...the most used ones would be my questions and guru-on-sentencers, these two i used the most.

as more time gone by the more i continued on the process of introversial meaning more and more i only spoken in thoughts and not in actual words...where i had entire conversations in my mind aloud being totally aware of it and participating with it...and the occasional physical wording of 1-2 words while doing it because i was so much in the mind didn't even realise that i spoke in the physical one or two words. yet instead of words i used A lot of different sounds or weird tonality speaking to enjoy the stupidity of sound...while of course being all uber egoistic about my voice that i can do any pith and any kind of sound ect.

later while being in relationship with I. as she was in a talent-show of singing i had supported her in the learning process and there i realised my voice again ... not from the ego perspective but that i can actually express a song within and as it, and this assisted in realising that breaking down my accepted and allowed shyness and ego is just a breath away! one breath and when i let out the singing it was crystal clear i stood AS the words as sang...of course went into huge comparison while hearing her singing where she had a TON more complexes than me and supressed herself many times more and so i tried and wanted her to push through-with not so much avail.

next part...follows