these couple of days i got into another manifestation of a character i allowed myself to exist within and as my whole life...took me 3 days to realise...and will take more to walk it out so here's the first step working with the problem with writing:
i start in time when i was a kid, most of my fuck-ups originate from that time and i lived them throught my life and so i walk myself in my own timeline and gather all information of where and what "added" to the points and characters as i "developed" them within and as myself.
This character and the points actually comes from the very beginning of kindergarten when i was about 4-6! my father had to work for money and my mother was home and drink and watch TV all day long being dragged in the emotions and sadness of her state...and because of the law i was sent to kindergarten every day from 8am till 1-3pm generally to be there and "learn" and "socialize".
altough it had a mostly strict time-schedule and activity schedule where we had given time for given activity-just like in elementary yet i didn't know that-and so we played sang went out to play more outside, listened to book readings ect. altough one thing was certain...twice a day between two activities usually after snack and lunch we HAD TO go to bed to relax...mostly for the nanny's to have a breathing time for themselves and so we were not just asked but forced to stay in bed and sleep...
I were always an active kid so i rarely wanted to sleep at all and wanted to play a bit more and just have fun...while also keeping myself quiet based on that i accepted to be respectful to others relaxing.
and of course they often catched me playing and took away the toys and stuff and this way force me to not do anything while the sleeping break.
so first i hated to not being able to do anything...just having to being in bed while i'm not tired at all...it was okay at night for sleeping but i was pretty fine with sleeping only 6-8hrs a day at night. and i tried to explain them but they just didn't care and told me "you have to rest".
also at summer there were no kindergarten so i was at home instead of being in the institute-altough i like this way becaue i could play on my own when i wanted.
later when getting into elementary i got introduced to the 45min class 10min break-when we had to walk from one classroom to another- so further developing the idea of having to take breaks, it seemed reasonable because of the class-topic change like from biology to math and to grammar ect. and it was just enough to reach the room and settle down.
also there were more holidays like autumn and winter and spring and summer holydays where there were no schools. while being in this system i developed along with the others a habit of working and relaxing and having different time-space limits of these and always one after another creating this endless cycle of life. wihtin this also seperating myself from both. here i accepted the idea that i cannot work/do something indefinately because i will get tired and then i ust rest to be able to work/do something again. it was not convinient before-because sleeping seemed common sense and normal that i didn't bother with why i have to sleep every day- yet in this time it started to take form.
after a year or two i started to perfect my relaxing character along with the working one, and so continued to exist in this continous character change wheneve i had to do something or not.
particulrarly here i look at the relaxation character...
so in my "free time" where i was not in school or not learning what i had to i was generally happy about it.partially because of the freedom idea i worked on the 2nd day and partly based on that i could do something i liked at last, for example riding my bike, playing sports, taking a walk, play around without time-constraints, talk, go to friends to play and other sort of things...there were no superior being to force me into doing something.
as i walked the second half of elementary from the age of 10-14 as i started to develop my computer geek character the relaxation was more about having those moments where i could live out my obsession, not entirely but took up 70% of the relax time. and of course i hated when someone disrupted me while i was relaxing-seperating myself from the relaxation itself and creating an obsession towards it...after school i ALWAYS felt the urgent need to relax and enjoy myself, also based on the starting point towards school and education.
but this need to relay seemed quite unfulfillable where there were always room/time for more.
and also created a positive charge to relax/free time because it was good and felt free from anything particular and thus creating a not so good experiance when NOT relaxing.