2012-07-12

Day 62: Relaxation -missing a day- part 2

this is a continuation of the previous post:Relaxation -Genesis- part 1 where i started to go into the basics of where i started to build my characters and whatnot regarding these points.

It is clear here, i had allowed myself to "develop" quite a big mess in/as myself and even let myself be posessed by this point to such an extent that miss entire days of my life where i am just 98% up in the mind "entertaining" myself-as the mind, completely miss my breaths and only staring at something the whole day and basically literally do NOTHING about ALL DAY LONG. yept that's 16 out of 18 hrs of 100%pure SELF-ABUSE!(the rest 2 is a must-maintain-and-regulate-body things)


so how did i get here? i continue and push myself to write it out:
i left where i was in elementary starting to dwelve deeper into computer entertainment (enter a tainted mental state) and during this time i pretty much started to live out this polarity of work-relaxation polarity in a full scale, meaning pretty much anything i did was judged/categorized by me to be either one or the other. = school-work, travelling-work, conversations-relaxation, computer games-relaxation, and so on and so forth...for every activity i paired it up to one of them and in every breath i was either in the positive side of getting and being cool, relaxed or in the negative side of working and getting my stress higher and generating steam -like a steam engine- that has to be pushed out/released through relaxation.and so there i created myself an infinite loop of this polarity, assigning my activities-even the ones i just started to do- and so constantly and continuosly participate in this polarity game where anywhere i were i "had to" get to the other end-seeking ethernal balance - which later got to the goal of being relaxed (positive) all the time. yet we all know that one can only be on one side of a polarity for so long. and when the energy runs out i kick myself slowly or fast towards the other end. i was pretty much like a wheel which traverses at a different rate at every full turn. and so this caused my cart to shake and wobble and sometimes go really fast -meaning evolve in theories/capacity/abilities- and sometimes practically stay still or slow-motion'd.

yet before i never actually realize this, it was normal and okay to do such things, as i saw around everyone had a similar treadwheel going on and so as a good lil' system i learned well and incorporated it into and as myself.
of course on top of this i even led myself to place myself into the luxury of separation that "i am doing a way noone else does" because "i am special".

and so while walking the rest of elementary and later starting collage and all the time in collage i did the same thing and through the times i place myself in such a position where the same amount of workhours meant more and more stress so i could only steam it off by doing more hours of relaxation or higher dosage of the activities such as getting into more rewarding or higher dosage drugs of the mind such as passig down knowladge and shit to others and developing to steam of by beig a guru.

during these times in the collage i made myself do this to such an extent that at wee(a)kends i tend to do only relaxing the two day sometimes without even sleeping. so made myself skip 2 days in a row just to relax the week's schoolwork. and of course relaxing after school straight away.
and also while doing this i made separation from the places&space where i am in the moment so attached cool feelings to where i can do relaxation and emotions where i do my work/school things and this is why i not hated but made a negative relationship with the school building itself and a positive with the other end. and every time i get to one place i sort of acess all the memories and feeling/emotions of the prvious times and live that through and through thus making the relationship more relevant and posessing every time-just count how many days you went to school in 4 years and apply a exponential curve-see how much energy generation and separation is that?!!

and all this was apparently pretty mcuh OKAY and this is how the system goes-which i made myself to think that then this is how i have to live and what i have to do. didn't knew any other way so did it anyway.

part 3 will continue...

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