2012-07-18

Day 66: Fear of Falling

Here i expose and write out this point of fearing from falling while also wanting to be in a high place as a contradiction and friction within myself...

 So as i remember the first ever encounter with this fear was...when i was at the age of 7...
I were sitting around in the playground/park between our panel houses (there were plenty of huge 10floored houses which are arranged paralel to each other and between them are about 500meters worth of concrete mixed with some parkish things and some playground accessories)
so i was sitting there on a bench watching the older guys playing soccer/football, i had fun watching it when suddenly one of them kicked the ball so much it ended up on the tree which was REALLY TALL. it was a chessnut tree quite an old one and it had plenty of branches all the way to 1-2m above ground...
the boys were angry and freaked out and worried that they can't take it down because it is too high for them to climb and the branches would break under them...so they just standed there arguing about how to solve it...so i went there and based on my love of climbing on playground thingies i offered to help taking it down saying "hey i can climb pretty good...want me to get it down?" of course they said yes but take care it's high and such so i went on and started climbing the tree, branch by branch, they were just as far/high after another that i could comfortably reach and climb around the trunk...after a minute or so i go up to the ball it was at the level of the 6th floor. 2.6m tall floored building so roughly about 15-16m above ground. it was pretty easy to climb up and so reached the ball and threw it down for them...of course they immediately started playing on not caring at all about me...so the adrenaline weared off and i took the time to look around myself...and realised how high i am...in the first moments it was cool to have this decent view of things around me to see far and wide and from where noone has seen the world around before...i mean i lived on the 9th floor but when i looked out the window it was so distant and static that it was like a picture...never really felt how high i am. yet when looking around while holding onto the 1.5 meter wide treetrunk through the leaves it was more natural and i felt that i am part of the scenery and this was beautiful.

when i got enough i saw that my mother on the building are wawing to me and saw the nightmare look she gave me even if it was a good 500meters away and so she aslo yelled "come on down from there!" so i was okay with that and looked down to plan how i'm gonna get down.

in that moment as i looked down and SPECULATED the distance from the branch below me i went into fear. even time felt freezing for that moment. as i look down and see how high i am and how many branches are below me widely spread vertically and a picture of me hitting the ground from where i was filled my eyes. to be exact that picture was from a memory of myself, when i was a child i fell down from the playground-overbar to my head because i tried to hang on my legs which were not strong enough just to show off to my parents who were JUST not looking for that moment and i fell down onto my head. and this exact memory and the whole experiance posessed me and i literally felt my face hitting the concrete below me saw my body from an outside perspective as it's twichted and stopped by the ground. of course at that moment i held my breath unconsciously while re-experiencing the memory. the next moment my heart bumped up to twice as fast my whole body started sweating my arms started shaking, basically i went into a shock. and even while not seeing the memory anymore i still for a couple of breaths stayed in this experiance and was entirely blank-slated having the backchat of "i don't know how to get down" "how the fuck i got up here?" "why the branches are so far down?" "what am i doing here?" "i'm gonne fall and hit by branches and hit the ground with my head and then i'm dead" and i was this point completely posessed.
somehow my brother saw that i'm gone too long and came to the tree telling me to come down slowly and carefully. i went into thinking "i must get down, i must survive, i got up, i can get down the same way, just think in reverse f how i climbed up..." and so driven by survival i slowly climbed down, had some slips but never lost balance because my whole body was uptight and rigid and so at every move that i was not directing as the mind my body became as hard as a roch holding onto the last position and grabbing whatever i had in my hands...i don't know how long it took me to come down yet i managed to do it and so later my mother expressed her freakout when she saw me and that she feared that if she shouts at me first without me seeing her first then i would fall and die. she was in this point of terror the whole day. mentioning the event over and over again.
i never had fear of faling before, i climbed a lot of things up to 3 meter high had some falls but never really feared it it was just fun to be higher than normal-to explore.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the height that i am in my body and thus create more separation within and as myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepte and allowed myself to define myself according to how high i am compared to the ground and thus create manifest and participate within and as the inferiority/superiority construct between others and myself thus seperate myself from others and where they are compared to the groundlevel.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the level of the ground and thus seperate myself from the ground and the way i experiance it.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see understand and realise that i am nor more nor less when i am higher/lower in the earths gravity and that i only create separation and polarity constructs with participating and accepting and allowing such thoughts/ideas/preceptions to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take gravity for granted and not consider that it is only a manifestation which is here based on the separation i created within and without myself with my acceptances/allowances and participations.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future and think/visualize based on memories to what will happen to me and thus try to predict the future while not seeing understanding and realising that wihtin this very point i am manifesting and creating that future for myself or others with only participating wihtin and as the mind as thoughts feelings emotions projections images and preceptions.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to let myself be controlled and directed by a memorie and a reaction to that particular memory in separation.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see understand and realise the common sense in the memorie i revisited and only react to it in order to evade the outcome of that particular memorie not seeing understanding and realising that i am not in the same situation then in the memory but pretending and acting like if it's the same.
i forgive myslef that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to the outcome of the memory and act based only on that with going into fear and shock while the memory itself is not here and the outcome is also not here but only i make up the illusin for myself within which i make myself believe it's real in order to be able to posess my body as the mind and through this generate energy and enslave myself further to create a stable point of recurring reaction character within which i will always react the same way to any familiar even and thus imprison myself to never be able to see understand and realise myself and thus break out from my own self-created chains of fear.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to upon encountering/ allowing myself to react to a memory within and as fear to only go deeper into the mind as thoughts feelings emotions fears and preceptions and justify this by believing that if i do this i will definately survive based on that i know how much the mind wats to survive in any way and thus accepting and allowing myself to trust the mind with creating a solution where it can survive and thus do this based on self interest and the fear that i do not know how to solve the situation which is a state i allowed and accepted myself to exist as based on fears and separation from myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become only an observer in the solution thus to not take any responsibility for the situation or my lack of direction and thus allow myself to have the back door of "i don't want to do this let the mind solve the situation"
i forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see understand and realise that i am the solution here to every event or situation and thus i know all ways allways of what and how to do in order to achieve the outcome with directing myself here.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about myself and what i am capable of doing/know and in thisallow myself to fear myself based on the justification of i don't know myself and so go into and participate within and as the character of "i don't know" and escape the self-responsibility the situation requires.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to by dishonest with myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to believe that i do not know myself within and without this world in equality and oneness based on the separation i experiance which is from the separation i have accepted and allowed and created wihtin and as myself

i see understand and realise that it does not matter how highg i am compared to groundlevel or how far i am from the core of the earth i am still the same/made of the same substance of the earth and thus no separation or judgement or relationship is ever valid.
i commit myself to stop defining myself according to what distance i am from the ground/core and also to stop any and all participation within polarity construct of inferiority/superiority and to walk the realisation that i am in fact one and equal to all beings here.
i commit myself to stop and expose to myself and others the point of acceptance and allowance of beliefs ideas preceptions and thoughts and how much i/we are allowing these to control us through the process of characters, fears judgements ect.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of reacting to a memory and locking myself into and as it within fear, i stop, breathe, and investigate the memory and see understand and realise that i am only procreating the outcome of the memorie with the fears and thus in no way do what is best for all nor what is best for me.
i commit myself to stop giving my power away to the mind based on my preception and idea of that i am not capable of doing what i have to and push myself to breathe bring myself back here and direct myself within and AS the point i am working with.
when and as i see myself going into the charater of "i don't know" based on self-dishonesty and fear i stop, breathe, and not allow myself to exist within and as the blank thouth the mind gives me and to investigate, forgive and correct and direct the points within and as myself here.

redefingin the word "Falling"

as i lived this word is mostly i have taking it in the meaning of hearing my mind telling and judgeing that i or someone else had fallen /failed
i created a negative charge to this word

dictionary definition:
Verb
falling
  1. Present participle of fall.
Adjective
falling (not comparable)
  1. That falls or fall.
    falling leaves
    falling prices
 Noun
falling (usually uncountable; plural fallings)
  1. The action of the verb to fall.
 the word fall:
  1. (intransitive) To move to a lower position under the effect of gravity.
    Thrown from a cliff, the stone fell 100 feet before hitting the ground.
  2. (intransitive) To come down, to drop or descend.
    The rain fell at dawn.
  3. (intransitive) To come to the ground deliberately, to prostrate oneself.
    He fell to the floor and begged for mercy.
  4. (intransitive) To be brought to the ground.
  5. (intransitive) To collapse; to be overthrown or defeated.
    Rome fell to the Goths in 410 AD.
  6. (intransitive, formal, euphemistic) To die, especially in battle.
    This is a monument to all those who fell in the First World War.
  7. (transitive) To be allotted to; to arrive through chance or fate.
    And so it falls to me to make this important decision.
  8. (intransitive) To become lower (in quantity, pitch, etc).
    The candidate's poll ratings fell abruptly after the banking scandal.
  9. (intransitive, followed by a determining word or phrase) To become; to be affected by or befallen with a calamity; to change into the state described by words following; to become prostrated literally or figuratively (see Usage notes below).
    Our senator fell into disrepute because of the banking scandal.
  10. (copulative) To become.
    She has fallen ill.
  11. (transitive, archaic) To cause something to descend to the ground (to drop it); especially to cause a tree to descend to the ground by cutting it down (felling it).  [quotations ▼]

  sounding:
-for ring = meaning falling is here to realise myself to ring the alarm of something is not correct.
-Forever At Low Level IN Ground= meaning i am nothing and at the "lowest"worst level of existance

forgiveness:
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word "falling" with a negative/bad/wrong charge
i forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to connect myself to the word "falling"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to define myself wihtin and as the word "falling"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "falling" through defining myself wihtin and as the word "falling"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "falling" to injury
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "falling" within and as injury based on previous experiances and memories
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "falling" and from injury throguh defining the word "falling" wihtin and as injury
i forgive myself for acceptign and allowign myself to connect the word "falling" with wind
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "falling" within and as the wind based on the experiance/memory/knowledge that when falling one is having air resistance and air flows around it so it creates the illusion of wind
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "falling" and from the wind throguh defining the word falling wihtin and as the wind.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to connect the word "falling" to death
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "falling" within and as death based on the belief /idea/preception that the consequence of falling is death
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "falling" and from death through defining the word falling within and as death
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "falling" to dream
i forgive myself for acceptign and allowign ymself to define the word "falling" within and as dream based on the memory of i have dreamt a lot about falling endlessly.
i forgive myself for accepting and allwoing myself to seperate myself from the word "falling" and from dream throguh defining the word "falling" within and as dream.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to connect the word "falling" to hitting the ground
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "falling" wihtin and as hitting the ground based on the assumption that hitting the ground is a consequence of falling
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge hitting the ground with negative charge while not seeing understanding and realiszing that it does not include how much decceleration happens so it can be as simple as placing my feet on the ground.
i forgive myself ror accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "falling" and from hitting the ground throguh defining the word "falling" wihtin and as hitting the ground.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "falling" to feeling the void inside me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define falling wihtin and as feeling the void inside me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is void inside me therefore allow myself to create an experiance of experiencing the void inside me which is endless in all direction yet gravity still exists
i forgive myself for accepting and allowign myswelf to not see understand and realise that i am equal to and one with what i create therefore i am the void inside myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "falling" and from the void and the experiance of void inside me throguh defining the word "falling" wihtin and as the feeling of void/the void itself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "falling" to the picture of a large spiral staircase which goes up and down indefinately.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the picture of a large staircase which goes up and down indefinately to exist within and as me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to define myself according to this picture of a staircase.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "falling" wihtin and as this picture of a staircase.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "falling" and this picture of a staircase throguh defining the word "falling" wihtin and as the picture of a large staircase which goes up and down indefinately.

Creative definings of the word "fall":
-miss an opportunity
-being directed by gravity or other means

Final definition of the word "fall":
- to be/become directed by another being based on missing the opportunity window to stand for self and thus accepting and allowing onself to give away the directive power of oneself thus enslaving onself within and as self dishonesty

Final definition of the word "Falling":
- the act/action of fall which is representing/expressing a state in time/space

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