2012-07-20

Day 68: Listening to myself

As I have told myself in my previous days throughout my life
I always thought of myself as something taken for granted and thus I never considered myself something that should be worked on or listened to because my self was always untouchable and I never considered myself as an actual being. I never really looked at myself in the way to analyze or realize myself what I did was just normal to me and never read coming to trying to explain to myself why or how I'd do something...


And all this thinking that what I am and what I do is normal and always granted was what defined how I act and how I behave around others and what I do in the world. I never really gained any insight or never achieved any intimacy Within and as myself as a being here.
As I started this process of walking myself into and as life, I started to discover that this is all about myself and about to investigate see  and understand what and how I do here in every moment of every breath. But then this was really new to me and as I started the process of going into investigating myself breathing here and seeing understanding and realizing what I am and what I have become through my accepted that and allowed nature I started my journey to uncover myself and my true nature of what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become. Through this process I started gaining new perspective about myself through realizing myself and this opened a whole new era of understanding to me. I started to uncover what it really means to be intimate with it myself and yet the same time I existed within and as fear and this can be seen on my writings. I have come a long way since then and had many realized points that led me to uncover myself and the true secrets of what and how I am working both inside and outside.
I started listening to my own body and being what it actually senses, through this I opened up a huge whole new way of seeing and living here. Then I started applying myself within and as movement in the physical and discovered how supportive and assistive it is. yet still my body is showing to me that I still exist in separation towards myself and from myself and this point is clear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body and what it shows me within and as of equality and oneness.
I forgive myself that I have excepted and allowed myself to not see understand and realize my relationship towards myself and towards my body.
I forgive myself that I have excepted and allowed myself to be intimate with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself believe that I am separated from my body and justify this with thoughts/feelings/emotions.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not take myself seriously and to neglect and refuse to see what is here and instead go into the mind and make up preceptions about what is here and accept that as reality.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself about what i see/experience here in common sense but instead think about what is happened and create an alternative reality and place myself into and as it and thus exist wihtin and as it and justify this by telling myself within and as backchatting that this is real because i can't see anything else.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refuse to see understand and arealise points that my body is showing to meand thus only seek for a cure to the pains/dizziness/strange feelings and not care about my body nor myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by backchats and thoughts about what i feel in my body instead of taking the moment, breathing and realising myself as what my body is showing to me in common sense.
i forigve myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to what my body is showing to me in the form of pain/uncomfort/dizzyness/strange feelings and go into an energetic experiance and thus abuse myself and my body with participatin wihtin and as such actions.
i forgive myslef for acceptign and allowing myself a blank thought to try and stop me whenewer i realise a point wihtin and as myself and to use the justification of "i can't see anything else in myself" and thus postpone the point i am working on.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about what is here and what i see/realise wihtin myself.
i forgive myself ofr accepting and allowing myself to limit myself from seeing understanding and realising myself based on the fear of loosing myself as the mind point by point and fearing that i loose control of myself and that when i loose all control of myself i will cease to exist instead of realising that i am only allowing myself to use a back door to escape from my responsibility of standing up and correcting myself and being my directive principle.

yes my lower-back is again in pain, i do feel uncomfortable in this chair, i do experience i am lost in the vasteness of myself and the abuse and dishonesty i allow myself to exist as yet i am still here writing myself out, push myself, bursting my limits, breathing here... before I started writing this I had some thoughts and backchat about sleeping off my backpain after i judged myself of not being capable ofwriting myself out in the specificity required, and thus i judged myself and where i am in my process...When I was a kid I used to know everything I experienced was real I had no bias on reality but as I grow up and developed my huge ego i started to question what i experience around me and also at the same time to stop questioning myself and what i make up as conclusions and facts about how what works. so this led to the lack of self-feedback. through this i was just sliding down the spiral of the veil i made for myself getting deeper and deeper into using and abusing myself and my body in every breath...so when i started this process this was new and a bit distant to actually be the complete and 100% trusted directive principle within the "my life" i created for myself. obviusly i could not keep this "my life" intact and through reading and applying the material i started walking the point that this is not *just "my life" yet i am one and equal to everything and all in all ways thus cannot "live" in and as this separation because it is common sense that no such thing exists at all!
but obviusly this takes time and application to establish myself as LIFE itself after discovering and deconstructing all the points i've made through my 22years which will approximately take the same amount of time to deconstruct and even more time to create myself as a completely self-directed being who is life itself and always does what is best for all and always completely aware of itself.
I don't care if it takes 7 or 22 or 100 years to walk this

I commit myself to apply the tools of self-forgiveness-self-honesty-corrective application-walking here wihtin and as breath and deconstruct what i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a "my life" and an abuser of all living beings including myself,
i commit myself to push myself to investigate myself and discover and uncover any points i exist within and as myself in separation and thus NOT accept and allow myself to limit myself in this by putting a veil in front of my eyes such as allowing a blank thought or participating within and as reactions to my own apllications.
i commit myself to keep my commitments and make sure and be aware that i am in fact applying those corrections and committmetns in the physical space and time.

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