Day 72: waiting part 1
the answer is simply-i am waiting. i don't mean the action i mean i am the act of waiting itself...it exists in me, in anywhere in this world and existance...how could i possibly deny that it is myself? no way.
so let's look at how do i express this and create/manifest within and without myself.
the origin of waiting comes from my childhood, i asked something from my father to explain and do together and he said to me "wait a little please" and because i did not understand it first i kept on asking him over and over again while he did the other thing and THAN do the thing with me...so first it wasn't a point at all it only meant that he does not gonna do what i ask him to...so if i ask more he eventually does it/agrees. this was when i was really youg...so you i cannot remember how young at all...yet i can state this happened even before i could speak where i show them with the kind of asking and they don't bothered for a while...me neither :D
but after i could speak i could express that i require them for something...yet because they were often busy with doing something or my mother that she are not as agile as a normal human and cannot just stand up at will for the first try...so a lot of times i had to "wait" for them but i only saw this that they are not living as fast as me and generally slower and lazy or tired to react immediately.
Later i encountered this point of waiting in the kindergarten...during sleepbreaks...where i have been expressed here before that i had to wait for the break to be over and could only play or do stuff after-when i was not ever sleepy or tired at all. it's like when you go into your office before work like 7:40 you would have to wait till 8 to get any paperwork or to be able to turn on your computer...yes i reacted with frustration some anger and sadness.
because i could not understand the point of waiting-i saw it that i am being limited in my expression of what i can do here and to fix myself to time and live accordingly-and no kid is insane to not see how unsupportive it is having to supress your self-expression just for the sake of time.
so in kindergarten i handled this with the idea that this is because nannys DOESENT GIVE A FUCK about me and are not willing to consider that i am a more active kid who does not need rest during the daytime in the form of sleep. also these added to the point of EGO, blame, victimization and separation and suppression of myself. i had to go along with it, i mentioned it, tried to bargain that "i will be quiet" and "nobody will wake up or hear me" yet i was forced into accepting the system and also had to force myself to be able to do so with suppression.
next time it was again leementary school where i had to wait for the classes to begin...oh i just disliked the breaks between classes...it was boring and those 5-10 minutes my classmates and the bigger boys had a chance to do anything they wanted with me...because there were no authority around to make them not start it based on fear. so plenty of bullying and fighting could happen in those minutes so i just wanted to finish with my classes and get home...no rest between. kinda like "here take this filler, fill my brain with your stupid information and let me go home now!"
but of course i HAD to wait in the morning for the class to start and then all the breaks and then to the school to end and be able to be on holydays...
these 3 had ingraved the point of waiting within me by my acceptance and allowance.
so as i see in myself there are 3 "types" of waiting that i as a human participates within:
-conscious waiting while doing nothing or just "filling in the time" with activities
-subconscious waiting like for the summer holyday, presents, vacation, things that will be in the future more than a month
-shadowed waiting when you have this waiting but never really think about it or experiance it like the waiting for the world to change, or for your perfect love-match, or to be the best and have a dignified life...these are what we are working towards but just wait for them to arrive at some point.
i will continue in the next post...