2012-07-25

Day 73-74: Fear of murder

Here I walk the point/memory in my life where I first encountered the fear being murdered.

It was during the time i had been in collage, the Wesselényi Miklós-one in 2006 that one day in april i was coming from the school through my usual journey towards the public transport station, i had to walk about 700m to it from the bilding, in small quiet streets which eventualy lead to a 2x4 lane avenue where i headed.
everything was okay, i was walking alone that day because i stayed a bit more in the school and so i walked and at the very end where the intersection were two guys speak to me and ask what's the time, and so based on the normal thought that it is okay for one to ask i looked at my watch and told them the time...then they asked if i had a mobile phone...i answered yes because i did...then they started to walk with me a slightly after me and say "can i see it?" i said no and bye...
and so i walked and took a tram where i had to go...when i hopped on the tram i saw 3 suspiciusly same looking guys hoppin on the other cab yet i did not concerned it at all...when i got down i also saw them getting off but they didn't look like they are concerned about me-or at least i thought- so i went on...later after some time they cached up to me and again started asking for my mobile, in that moment when i felt and heard the three higher than me guys being at the back of me wanting my phone...i tapped into the miracculus drug of fear again. but this was only the beginning. i thought that "they really want my phone" "why can't they just leave me be?" "they are much stronger than me" "they gonna fight and i'm gonna loose definately" so i hastened my steps saying to them to leave me be...yet they just kept on coming and then started to try to trip me over from the back by kicking into my feet from under...i managed to walk and not fall yet they just continued...i felt the adrenaline in my blood as i breathed more heavily, felt more strenght in my body so fastened again my steps...while of course constantly LOUDLY backchatting about them about me about the possible consequences and actions i can take...collecting info about them trying to define their personality ect. till i got about 100meter close to my next bus-stop where 6-7 people stood and they could see us clearly, and so i got to the point in my mind where i could no longer tolarate what is done unto me.

so i stopped and turned back dropped my backpack on the ground and stood in an upright pose like a statue and asked "what the fuck do you want?!" on a loud voice. they answered "i would like to see your mobile only, what kind is it?" of course then i was facing three gipsy two of them who were at least 10cm taller than me and all of them were stronger from what i could tell in that moment. so i went into conversing from the point of "get the uck off i am not doing this" yet when they lied the third time that "hey i'm not gonna hurt you just wanna see it, what kind is it, i've never seen a motorola before!" so i had to realise they will not give up. so i went into the thoughts of what would happen if i resist/start a fight, or if i give them...

in that moment when trying to construct the scenario of what would be if i start to fight with them with a surprise element of a punch i literally saw myself being punched from two sides at once then being kicked by the one in the middle apparently to the chest or groin, and saw myself in the aftermath where they punch/kick me till i barely move or die. yes in this visualisation i projected my own death by a mob of 3 who wanted to steal my phone. in that moment, fraction of a second all my muscles became tight like if i would contracted them all the same time, making my pose even sturdier, and i immediately went into believing that this can happen, i felt it happening, so the immediate reaction took over me that states "i must survive" " i cannot let this happen" and os i looked for any other solution to evade this outcome. which was the kind when i give him my phone hand-to-hand, there of course based on my previous preception i saw again that HE will use the element of surprise and somehow lock/grab my hand and take me down. and so i would be on the ground against 3 fully standing and not injured human...again the fear of death struck me.

so i came with a plan to try and only show him and he will be done...so i took my phone out from my pocket and showed them-we were about 2-3 steps away, where he asked "can i hold it? i can't see it from here. please give it to me. can i see it?" in that moment again i saw the second projection happening so a new idea rushed thrugh my mind, I remembered a tennis game which i saw it TV before and what move the player used to do a serve, the throwing up of the ball, and so this idea of if i throw it up it will crash so they cannot use it anymore and it's just a telephone at all which does not worth my life. so immediately threw it up yelling "HERE catch it fuck you!" and then grabbing my backpack and heading to the bus-stop jogging. i also looked back and saw he managed to catch it and run away with it. laughing and giggling about it.
i had about 2-3 seconds of decision making and after i got away still had that image of me being on the ground killed or seriously injured and crawling or unconscious...for a good 30-40minutes after...and later i became so angry and hated myself that i had choosen this, because not only this even i got but even my father (who i headed to meet with) raged on me that why i had to do this...he did this because i got that mobile for my birthday in may and it was not so cheap and so we couldn't afford to buy another and of course it takes time and effort to have it denied of service ect. but generally all day the image of me being dead or torn on the street remained in my head, which means i fed this fear even after the event. asking tons of why's and how could I's from myself none got answered. and everyone in my family stated that i am the weak and unconfident and stupid and anything.

today I'm continuing with the SF and SCS...

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "someone wants MY thing"
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the thought "someone wants MY thing" to exist within and as myself
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the thought "someone wants MY thing"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing an item based on that i state and believe it is MINE.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect myself to certain specific items and establish a relationship where i state that the item is MINE
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to this relationship with that item and thus fear loosing myself/part of myself within the action of loosing the item
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the item, from my fear,from my beliefs, and the relationships i created and not accept and allow myself to see understand and realise that none of these are actually real and i'm just creating, manifesting and participating within and as a stupidity loop where i fear of not existing.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that everyone wants to take something from me.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to victimise myself in the act of taking something stating that i am just the victim of the curel world which only wants to take stuff from me, not seeing realising and understanding that in fact this is only a mirror which clearly shows that I AM the one who only takes and takes and takes indefinately an a finite living-enviroment and thus i am the one who cause all this taking in existance to be justified within and as myself as well as without as the world.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry when someone wants to/takes away something i defined as mine. within this i see understand and realise that the very act of me defining things as seperate from me and "being my stuff" i accept and allow and manifest the action of taking because if that item has no owner then noone can "take" it from the owner.
i forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see understand and realise that everything here is the owner and the owned as well thus exists in equality and oneness where no such thing as property exists.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the anger to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deifne myself according to this anger and thus justify with this that this is what i should exist as.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to someone taking something i defined as mine from me, with anger yet justify that the other CAN take something from me and justify the point of ownership and that there can be such thing as taking.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed ymself to connect someone taking something from me to fear, thus i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fear my own fear.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist the point of writing/applying self-forgiveness on the points related to this memory.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear remembering this memory and every time i remember it create the experiance of fear.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to this memory within and as anger and fear.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to a situation where i am under physical pressure with thinking/projecting myself into the future and creating an experiance that which i fear therefore i will react to the situation within and as fear and make sure i never overcome my fears or understand what i do and enslave myself forever in fear.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear physical pain based on my judgement that it is not a comfortable experience because it clearly states that i am existing here wihtin and as this physical existance yet i refuse to accept this and only want to exist wihtin and as the mind where no such uncomfortable situation exists.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be in a state that is comfortable so then i haven't have to consider what is here and i can exist in my illusionary experiances of my life.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately abuse other beings based on self-interest only.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself that in a threatening situation only consider myself and my future and not see understand and realise what is here that made the situation possible and that i am responsible for the situation to exist and the fact i'm in it.

dizziness just here...extreme...fuck me resistance!

when and as i see myself going into the pattern of creating value for items and labelling thems as mine, i stop, breathe, forgive the points of connections/relationships, and make sure i am not creating any connections or relationships moreover not linking a memory to an item.
i commit myself to see understand and realise the itmes/objects/beings here in this physical relaity and see them for what they are and not what i think/belive/precieve/make up about them.
i realise see and understand that i am of/as the same substance as any item/object/being thus there is no real reason or meaning to create separation between me and them.
i commit myself to whenever creating or participating within and as anger as a reaction to something being taken from me, i stop, breathe, and realise that no such thing as separation exists and that if i'm holding onto something that only means resistance towards a particular point and so i commit myself to investigate and work on the points coming up this way.
i commit myself to investigaste and process any and all memories where i existed wihtin and as emotions/feelings/or any other mindconstructs and free myself from my own limitation nd stupidity looping in those points.

redefining "Kill":
i have lived this world as a reciever of it where i heard plenty of times that X killed Y and so on and it meant the worst possible thing that could happen with a human or an animal to be killed because it is taking the right to life from it.

Dictionary Def:



Etymology 1

From Middle English killen, kyllen, cüllen (“to strike, beat, cut”), possibly a variant of Old English cwellan (“to kill, murder, execute”) (see quell), or from Old Norse kolla (“to hit on the head, harm”) (compare Norwegian kylla (“to poll”), Middle Dutch kollen (“to knock down”), Icelandic kollur (“top, head”), see coll, cole). Compare also Middle Dutch killen, kellen (“to kill”), Middle Low German killen (“to ache strongly, to cause one great pain”), Middle High German kellen. Cognate with Albanian qëlloj (“to hit, strike”).

Noun

kill (plural kills)

The act of killing.
The assassin liked to make a clean kill, and thus favored small arms over explosives.

Specifically, the death blow.
The hunter delivered the kill with a pistol shot to the head.The result of killing; that which has been killed.

The result of killing;
that which has been killed. The fox dragged its kill back to its den.

Verb

kill (third-person singular simple present kills, present participle killing, simple past and past participle killed)

(transitive) To put to death; to extinguish the life of.
Smoking kills more people each year than alcohol and drugs combined.
There is conclusive evidence that smoking kills.

(transitive, fiction) To invent a story that conveys the death of (a character).
Shakespeare killed Romeo and Juliet for drama.

(transitive) To render inoperative.
He killed the engine and turned off the headlights, but remained in the car, waiting.

(transitive, figuratively) To stop, cease or render void.
The editor decided to kill the story.
The news that a hurricane had destroyed our beach house killed our plans to sell it.
My computer wouldn't respond until I killed some of the running processes.

(transitive, figuratively, hyperbolic) To amaze, exceed, stun or otherwise incapacitate.
That night, she was dressed to kill.
That joke always kills me.

(transitive, figuratively) To produce feelings of dissatisfaction or revulsion.
It kills me to throw out three whole turkeys, but I can't get anyone to take them and they've already started to go bad.
It kills me to learn how many poor people are practically starving in this country while rich moguls spend such outrageous amounts on useless luxuries.

(transitive) To use up or to waste.
I'm just doing this to kill time.
He told the bartender, pointing at the bottle of scotch he planned to consume, "Leave it, I'm going to kill the bottle."

(transitive, figuratively, informal) To exert an overwhelming effect on.
Between the two of us, we killed the rest of the case of beer.
Look at the amount of destruction to the enemy base. We pretty much killed their ability to retaliate anymore.

(transitive, figuratively, hyperbolic) To overpower, overwhelm or defeat.
The team had absolutely killed their traditional rivals, and the local sports bars were raucous with celebrations.

(transitive) To force a company out of business.

(transitive, informal) To produce intense pain.
You don't ever want to get rabies. The doctor will have to give you multiple shots and they really kill.

(figuratively, informal, hyperbolic) To punish severely. My parents are going to kill me!
 that is a lot for one word...


sounding of it:
will - doing it purposely
lik - which in hungarian means hole-meaning one create a hole in another being...or turns it into a hole-a thing that is the emptyness and opposite of matter

SF on the word:
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see the word "kill" as negative/bad/wrong
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "kill" as negative/wrong/bad
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "kill" by defining it within and as the point of negative/wrong/bad and thus charge the word with energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "kill" to the act of murder
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word "kill" within and as the act of murder
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "kill" and from the act of murser within and as defining the word "kill" within and as the act of murder
 i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see understand and realise that kill and murder is essentially the same and here exists only two words for it in order to use them differently where only humans can murder something but anything else can kill therefore making the humans special and thus giving ourselves the right to define ourselves as different when essentially we are doing the same thing.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "kill" to the action of strike - meaning the motion which one is inflicting damage onto another
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "kill" wihtin and as the action of strike
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "kill" and from the action of strike through defining the word "kill" wihtin and as the action of strike
i forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realise that a strike does not mean killing and a strike can also mean a movement which is not finished and thus no physical contact is made---strike redefinition work in progress
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the image of a closening fist to exist within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to this image of a fist.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from this image of a fist.
iforgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "kill" to this image of a closening fist
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "kill" within and as this image of a fist
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "kill and from the image of a closening fist through defining the word "kill" within and as the image of a closening fist.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to based on fear of being hit by a fist be afraid of seeing this image in reality thus tapping into the fear of injury and creating/manifesting this image within and as myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "kill" to death
I forgive myself that i have accepted and  allowed myself to define the word "kill" within and as death
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the word "kill" and from death through defining the word "kill" within and as death.
i forgive myself for accepting adn allowing myself to connect thw word "kill" to the color dark-red
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "kill" within and as the color dark red
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "kill" and from the color dark red through defining the word "kill" within and as the clolor dark-red
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word "kill" to weapons
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define the word "kill" within and as weapons
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the word "kill" and from weapons through defining the word "kill" within and as weapons.
i forgive myself fro accepting and allowing myself to connect the word "kill" to being careless
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing mself to define the word "kill" within and as being careless
i forgive myself for accepting and aallowing myself to seperate myself from the word "kill" and from being careless through defining the word "kill" within and as being careless.

creative definitions:
 - terminating an expression of oneself or "another"
 - stopping manifesting an illusion
 - ending a cycle of life&death and thus resetting the cycle
 - the opposite of giving birth which is TAKEing life
 - returning something into and as substance

Final definition "Kill":
An act/action of stopping/terminating an expression of a being Here, returning it into and as substance and resetting a cycle of life&death.

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