2012-08-01

Day 78: Preparation

while i'm as all of humanity has been living in the past-present-future constantly and continuosly, i've been analyzing the past, shearching for the present and planning-prepareing for the future, and existing in this cycle forever...


And it's all intervowen and everything seems to correlate-have a relationship with anything you investigate...and kinda it is how i built up my matrixes and personalities and characters.
preparation - character is triggered when i get to know something in the present and actually go and think about what will be when i actually get to experience that even in the future and so i want to have a certain outcome of that certain event so i think out what do i have to do or change and arrply in order to achieve the results i plan to have and thus to be able to predict the future by making it. because there are fears that what if i "accidentally do this and that?" and such backchats.
this however takes me from here(i mean i allow myself to be going into the mind) and try to manipulate my vision to what i in my own self-interest see as best for me actually never considering more that myself or some small factors...there are some people who CAN consider many things while planning and prepareing oneself for the future yet the main point is that it is based on the starting point of self-dishonesty of self-interest.

so when i used to prepare myself i also created plentyful different scenarios whithin which i played through the vents and then investigated the pros-cons of it...a good film about this which is called "NEXT - there is no tomorrow"
and so after playing out all the possible things i store those scenarios and what i have to do to evade/make them, and thus practise these in my head to be able to react immediately for what is best for me in any possible situation (of course this also allows the "this can't happen!" charater to exist when i didn't consider all scenarios but encounter one)
and thus i also force myself into and keep myself in this rigid structure what i create and to keep myself to the script...which is the same as Actors do on the stage...they have a pre-written(programmed)script which they follow to the exact words and letters and facial/emotional expressions thus create a scene/event which goes by the book...same here but in this case the mind and greed self-interest and fears are the scriptwriter and i am the actor who are denied of any improvisation.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with locking myself into and as a pre-defined, pre-programmed play-out, of events and behaviours and expressions.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and alowed myself to react to upcoming events with trying to prepare myself to possible outcomes.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project myself into the future through thinking of possible scenarios and thus allow and manifest a pre-programmed series of events to happen.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create self projected futures based on my thoughts/feelings/emotions/preceptions/oppinions and thus limit myself from expressing myself as who i am here.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to access and participate within and as the waiting character after i had done with the pre-programming of the possible outcomes and my expressions in them.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect myself to possible events in the future and create more relationships towards it by creating certain specific scripts for certain specific outcomes.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from any kind of event or experiance i experiance/sense in my life
i forgive myself that i have accepte and allowed myself to want/desire to be prepared to any kind of situation that is possible in the future based on self-interest of wanting to survive and thrive at the expense of others even.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that i will not know what and when and how to do in a certain specific event/outcome and thus acess the preparation character within and as myself.
i forgive myslef for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am not able to knwo/do what is required without preparation at a certain specific event/outcome in the future.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i am not effective when i have not been prepared to an event/outcome
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being effective in the moment based on my belief that i cannot be one without preparation
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not preparing something and encountering anything that was unpredictable based on the belief that then the outcome will also be unpredictable and can lead to my death.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally a faliure when i am in an event/outcome which i haven't been prepared for.

when and as i see myself going into the pattern of going into my mind to analise and prepare for event's and outcomes, i stop, breathe, bring myself back here, and become the realisation that here i am prepared for anything that can happen because i am everything that i am capable of and know thus when i encounter a certain specific event/outcome HERE i know exactly immediately what and how and when to do to achieve the end-result i need.
i realise that here i have everything as myself in order to be and become the most effective within my living in every moment in every breath.
i commit myself to stop participating within and as preparation with accessing fears/judgements/assumptions/future-projections/characters, and actually push myself to direct myself here in every moment in every breath to be and become my self directive principle and apply myself as such.
i commit myself to show to myself as well as others that we can exist without preparing to events/outcomes by directing outrselves within and as the physical and considering everything from the starting point of what's best for all in every moment!
i commit myself to let myself get into situations which i am unprepared in to test out my application and correct myself as necessary.
i commit myself to stop existing and participating within and as past-present-future projections and thoughts and to always bring myself back here within and as breath.

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