2012-08-04

Day 81: Mind Placement

I as an organic robot in most of my life before starting this process, was "learned" from my very childhood that whatever i experiance or think or make up, i must hold onto that, because that is what either me or the world is...and both were taught to be important to me...of course seperately.



Without this i wouldn't been able to respond to my parents and teachers when they asked "what is this?" and all the "please tell me the information i just given to you" and after a lil while as a kid i had to realise, if i just leave every information around like a pile of junk, it is hard to remember or recall or answer to inquiry...so i had to manage all the experiances and bits and pieces of what i had...about everything...and thus i organized and kept a mess in the organisation...and while living my years from a kid to an adult i always refined and reorganised and defined even more complex systems of categorisation...where not just information went but also thoughts, ideas, beliefs, experiances, memories...anything (that i seperated myself from-even myself as a thing)

And so everything had a placement inside me...what does that mean?...it means that i labelled everything and put them to groups and placed them inside groups and areas to better organise them...the real downside is two things: -i did not questioned or reviewed if this system is what is best for all OR best for me at all -i did not considered the possible consequential outflows of applying and creating and LIVING AS such system. the answers are common sense for these really.

this is an interesting word, because as many others it writes down exactly what it means: "place meant" which states that everything i made a place which meant something so i just had to know the places and knew what is there...interestingly i also expressed this in the physical...where seemingly my stuff was all around in my room yet i knew every place and what i have put it there. and the only one okay-ish thing about this is that i always knew where something is when i shearch/look for it.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist doing self-forgiveness relative to placement and my organisation and categorization of information&knowledge, experiances, thoughts,feelings,emotions ideas and beliefs.
I forgive myself tha i have accepted and allowed myself  to create a system of placement both inside and outside of myself where i seperate myself from anything i have ever encountered.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a total system of separation and use it as my main tool to survive
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect myself to this self created system of separation from everything.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to this system of separation from everything.
i forgive myself for acceptign and allowing myself to think "this will help me organise my life"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought "this will help my organise my life"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from the thought "this will help me organise my life"
i forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to question and investigate this system of placement within and as myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to immediately seperate myself from something i encounter and place it in the system of placement and give it a specific value and other specifications to define my relationship with it.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give and attach a certain specific value to something i encounter and rank/grade/group them based on it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a relationship to/towards anything i encounter and define myself, my behaviour and the value of that thing by this relationship
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create this system of placement and organisation and categorisation based on the inquiry and asking of my parents and teachers.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be a "good boy" based on the encouraging and teachings of my parents and teachers and thus also i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create and exist within and as the "good boy" character where i do things to please others.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not question or investigate my parents and teachers before acting/creating systems based on their actions.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see understand and realise the separation i cause/exist as while creating and filling up and participating within this system of placement.

when and as i see myself going into the pattern of resisting self-forgiveness or self-honesty, or self-corrective application, i stop, breathe, let go and push myself to do these activities from the starting point of what is best for all.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of creating systems within and without myself from the starting point of self-dishonesty and self-interest, i stop, breathe, and apply myself to investigate and debunk the system i created with all the relationships,characters and various other manifestations of self-dishonesty.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of justifying abuse or self-dishonesty with survival of myself, i stop, breathe, realise that survival is based on fear of death and myself, and walk the corrections and not accept nor allow myself any justifications to abuse or be self-dishonest with myself or another.
I commit myself to stop any and all connections and relationships to/towards the systems i have created and existed within and as, and to show that everything based on relationships are in fact self-abuse and self-dishonesty and seperation.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of defining myself based on the systems of abuse i have created before, i stop, breathe, debunk the system within writing, self-forgiveness and self corrective application and release/erase both the systems and the definition of myself as those systems.
i commit myself to live and express what i am and not define myself according to anything.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of giving value to something i encountered, i stop, breathe, let go of the valuse and delete the relationship within self-forgiveness, writing, self-corrective appplication and walking my corrections.
i commit myself to stop and step out of the "good boy" character and not allow myself to only do things in order for them to appreciate me as a character/personality and to validate my existance as a being.


the only "placement" is in the physical where it means how what and where to PLACE-as a physical putting there- i will write about this in another post...

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