2012-08-07

Day 82: Falling asleep - self-direction

yesterday evening, before my normal going to sleep time...i was not complete with my day regarding the activities i do dayly for example writing a blogpost every day...and i was listening to some music and leaning on my bed...and again...i felt asleep, i really listened with awareness to the music keeping myself understanding or using my brain and one moment i just got asleep as a blackout...



and till today i hided and feared writing this point out and wanting to only cover this up with the fact that "it is normal to fall asleep when you're tired" and that "it's late" and other backchatting...i know i was not that tired at all, and i was also focusing when it happened...and altough i got up some time later in that state to make my bed and clothe down and really go sleeping, in those moments i was REALLY like a zombie...it's even hard to remember i did it at all, but i know because i can remember that i did not wake up in the state i fell asleep for the first time...only with breathing here could i realise and trace back that i actually got up from the bed took the cover off took my clothes off got the blanket out and then shut off the computer and got into the bed and get back to the sleeping mode...i was moving i was doing stuff and normally i could not remember it...i even wanted to keep the computer on before to let it process info for me...

so i got into this ultra zombie mode where i was completely "shut off" from reality as if i were sleeping basically doing a sleep-walking as we "normally" call it...but this is not okay AT ALL. because this only shows that i accepted and allowed myself to give up the direction of myself in and as this reality that i completely shut myself off from reality and not just pretending but being NOT here.
i know from my parents tha in my childhood i used to sleepwalk sometimes and even talk to them...and before i was not even aware of it...yet when i stabilize myself here in breathing and take the point and bring those moments here to relive them within and as myself i can recall 100%-of them...to the last words i spoke to the last detail i saw with my half-opened eyes...and every time i sense the feeling or sensation of being in my body but not OF it...like when you are on a submarine-i can look out the window, see what's going on, smell touch feel anything yet completely out of control  and out of being able to react or act at all...being in my personal 3D moovie and being strapped on the seat having to watch it. but at the time i was always AWAY and i really mean away...like outside in space or something THAT much away.

and this makes it interesting and brings up a lot of common sense questions. where i really was then? what did i do there? what made me leave me here? who made me do what i did? what leads to this experiance/even? what drives me to keep doing this over and over? why can't i do it on purpose? and so on.

in the years before i never really went into this point...it was just okay i have times when i can't remember what i did but others told me what i did and it was okay...focusing more on what did i do when i was AFB(away from body) then realising that this is not okay.

even now when writing about it i get so uncomfortable that i want to go to my bed and lean and be as comfy as i can and not do this...even trying with some yawnings to not let me know i actually see myself wanting and resisting to write...lol i have it written here i can't not face it anyway...so stopping here this endless nonsense...
of course it all boils down to fear...fear of what? of self-direction, of doing something, of not sleeping enough, of tiring myself out,of not being comfy, of getting something done when i could just lay down, of pushing myself, of exposing my faults, of realising that i must not give my responsibility away, of loosing control, of loosing my life,of death.

i see this is more then one point for this moment...and i'm not hurrying myself or overworking myself...one point at a time...so take the fear of self direction first because this seems the starting fear for the chain-reaction what i made myself.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-direction of myself
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear to self-direction
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define fear within and as delf direction and thus project self-direction as something to be feared/loved
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect this fear of self direction to fear itself therefore i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mself to connect and define self-direction as something opposed onto me by a seperate entity
i forgive myself that i have aeeepted and allowed myself to judge slef-direction as something difficult therefore go into the justification that i don't know what self-direction is and then create and participate within and as the fear of self direction within and as myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to go into judging myself about my application/what i do here.
...
i forgive myself for acceptzing andf allowing myself to postpone writing and speaking slef-forgiveness and justifying it with "i need to think about what i have to forgive"
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not let myself see understand and realize what and how i do when i am not letting myself direct myself but giving away my power of directing myself.
i forgive myself that i have acccepted and allowed myself to give away my ability to direct myself and not see understand and realise the consequences of such actions.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i can give up anytime i want because it has no real meaning if i give up.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to completely leave my body to the mind to direct and control based on thought participation and giving up.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give up on myself as i were nothing important at all.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define and judge myself as worthless and thus do not care about me giving up.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel myself inferior to everything instead of realising that i am equal and one within and as all that exists here.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide/cover up the moments i have given up on directing myself copletely therefore i can do it over and over again and pretend that it never ever happened and continue living the same way.

commitments tomorrow will follow...here it is.

when and as i see myself going into the pattern of fearing self-direction, i stop, breathe, forgive the points that come up, and release those point and realise that fear is not real in any way.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of connecting and defining myself within and as fears, i stop, breathe, forgive myself, release the fears and connections definitions and walk the realisation that i am not my fears, and that fears are not real.
i see, understand and realise that self-direction is literally me the self living and walking within and as the directive principle of myself thus it is not imposed on me from someone or something seperate.
when and as i see myself going into the pattern of judgeing my self-direction and myself, i stop, breathe, forgive the points and judgements, and walk the realisation that no judgements are real and i only use them in order to justify the separation wich i react to by judgeing.
i commit myself to stop any and all judgements about what I or another being is actively participating within and as.
i commit myself to stop all postponement within and as myself
i commit myself to stop any and all justifications of why i should postpone what i started to do or planned to do.
i commit myself to act from the starting point of self-direction, meaning to establish a self-directive-principle within and AS myself and stand AS that principle and direct myself within and as the physical to act and behave accordingly,without supressing myself or any points that come up in the meantime, but directing each and all the points within the established principle of doing what is best for all in oneness and equality.
i commit myself to direct myself when and how i leave my body, meaning sleeping, and do not allow myself to give up on directing myself regarding this point.
i see understand and realise that i am not inferior nor superior to any existing being/thing but in fact being equal and one with and as all existing beings/things.
i commit myself to show to myself and others when i am giving up on a point or giving away my power by not taking my self-responsibility.


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