Day 87: four days later...
i had plenty of points these days, yet not got to writing, which is only based on my over-pushingness towards a point, where i create a lil' loop for myself when encountering a point to push myself till i get to the end of it...like racing to the finish...but hey what happens when there is NO FINISH LINE??? you loose your MOMENTUM. yes i can push and go more than 24hours straight at a point investigating looking up all the connections seeing different aspects and world"views" of it yet all for what? only to complicate myself into being stuck in the web of lies i sew while doing it.
i drive myself so entangled into the looking into/investigation that i missed out the REAL PART the application itself, here i can't turn back time and erase what i did, i am what i did and how i behaved, no point in lieing about it ir hiding it. yet it was useful as preparing the real work to be done in those points...no i did not did SF or SCS on them, just collected and investigated and got them under microscope...so the real job begins here.
the interesting thing is that i got so into this that i did not experienced any fears or resistance along the way...which i could have seen before and realise that shows that i'm doing something that i have not "problem with" meaning it is part of the problem and not working on a solution...because when i am doing a solution like right here writing this some form of resistance ALWAYS comes up. and that's just like the mind saying "hey get your hands off!" so i must go and do these which i have the greatest resistance to...and again this learned through desteniprocess and horsemanship-education...like horses have "oh no don't touch me there" spots and you can only teach him/her how to be calm if you do touch/rub those points while showing that nothing "bad" happens.
so this process is not about pushing through points...it's about pushing through RESISTANCE! of course i cannot move a mountain barehandedly but in the realm of characters and mind constructs there is not such thing as "too big" or "too heavy".