2012-08-16

Day 88: Non-Stop

while investigating what i did/do in my past i came across this point of "fake dedication" where i go into doing something, not caring about anything, not being aware of it's starting point just doing and doing and doing it till finish or till loosing or till it becomes worthless-meaning i will be required to give more energy/resources in than get out at the end.



so even when i was a child i went on and stayed up for 6 days in a orw without sleep at all, or maybe 2 hours max as a nap. and all through it i played or eaten or read, but during the nights i usually played on my computer only, being sucked into the game and only realising it's morning when the sun shines in.

and even more occasions there were days where i really drove into and pushed myself to do something for prolonged periods of time, ehich is cool for progress when i did something not requiring extensive mental work, but eventually every time i ended up being tired and flat and than not doing the activity again for quite some time.

so what is really interesting is this tendency to just go on and on about something and completly forget everything else.

and basically this is hw the mind likes to to be, because then the separation and lack of awareness is controllable the most. because when i got plenty of things to do i ended up thinking about them and most of the time i got to the end where i realised something or asked a question which led to a realisation...so to keep me "in line" i as the mind had to keep myself occupied with ONE thing at a time and ONLY THAT all the time possible doing it as long as i give up. and of course create plenty of timeloops to do the same activity in larger periods of time over and over again and thus DEVELOP what i call "a hobby".

and many of my artistic trys of expressing myself and learning it ended up as this...so here's where i work on it.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to my definition of "dedication" where it only means i do/participate in an action for long times Non-Stop.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that doing something/participating in at a longer time interval Non-Stop i benefit more and thus can achieve more for myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to benefit more and more and achieve more results from the same activity and thus participate within and as the polarity game of positivity and negativity.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and alowed myself to believe based on others telling me, that the more and longer i concentrate on a particular thing the more and more i get to know it and be ablée to study and understand it better.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to know more about something and develop/incorporate methods and ways without questioning them for acquireing information and knowledge faster and more effective while not considering the quality of it.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from the act of concentration and the object i am concentrating on and to not realise that i am in fact supressing myself and taking myself away from what is here in and as REALITY
i forgive myself that i haven't see understand and realise that the more i seperate myself from something the less i am actually understanding it in reality and only creating ideas, beliefs and judgements about the object/point.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my physical body in order to achieve results and to be able to prolong my concentration in a topic.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to only consider being done as completing the project and not looking and realising the whole process it took to "get there".
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to when measuring and looking at a result of an action/participation to not consider the amount of abuse, the starting point or the process that was required to complete the point/activity/goal

when and as i see myself going into the pattern of seperating myself from what is here and going into alternate realities and heavily concentrating on a singular action/topic, i stop, breathe and walk the realisation that i am able to be here in every moment and still be aware and exist within and as a point/action.
i commit myself to stop carelessly abusing my or other's physical bodies in order to reach a goal/end result in a given time.
i commit myself to show how the education system only portrays examples and forces young beings to get lost in points and activities while thinking that it's good for them and thus that it encourages wrecless and careless behavioural pattern in children.
i commit myself to stop participating wihtin the energetic polarity of positive/negative, good/bad right/wrong while carrying out action and participating within points/things

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