2012-08-23

Day 92: Loosing "my precious" part 1

Here i walk the journey of the realisation and application regarding fear of loosing something.

Story:
it was in 1999 that i got a bicycle for my own on my birthday in may it was new and black and cool and shiny that i just fell in love with it...and because we were living in a bit of interesting shaped town with ups and downs (just like my life back then) and because i always loved to ride i really got into loving my bike, i mean i washed it and always were careful about how i change gears and how much pressure i put on pedals and at the same time it meant a bit of freedom to me that i could just roll out and go fast on it and enjoy those moments of rolling down the dirt road with about 30km/h and make jumps and steep turns...i just loved to roll on it.



so there came a moment where again my cannot-move-coz-i'm-fat-and-injured mom told me to go down to the store and buy her some things to cook with...it was not much things but of course the shop was about a km away or more, so while being all hateful of her to send ME again and having to halt my gaming which i was addicted to, i hopped on my bike and rolled down the roads to the shop.
it was a nice and warm saturday. when i got to the shop and parked my bike on the rails, because in front of the shop there were these low bike-stalls you can put your bike to, i discovered that i forgot to bring the lock with me...my bike was still relatively new about a month or two "old", and there i encountered this huge moment of loosing my bike-which i describe soon here. so after some inside fighting i decided to hurry up because i knew i would be buying 2-3 items only and i knew where they are and saw that there are not much people in the shop so i ran in leaving my bike outside, grabbed those items ran for the cassa, paid fastly hasted out while putting the things away into my backpack and WHOA...my bike was GONE. i've only been inside for maybe 3 minutes or a bit more and man someone stole my bike! first i was just standing there with hanging jaws, of course i rampaged in my mind and went all over about "how did...?" "why...?" "what???". then after a minute or so i started to run on the streets that i maybe see the thief escaping or something...overall i chased fantoms around for 1.5hours before i started heading home.

of course the reactions were firstly "what took you so long? i saw you went with your bike" then after i explained that my bike got stolen she started to blame me and throw all the anger she had inside at me, and that i am not responsible and that i did it on purpose ect. that just made me hate her more. when my father came home he was only upset in his first re-asking of "what? how did it happen?" then of course he did what he did best, supressed his emotions badly and got into a depression hole and i didn't see but possible went into a bit of crying because that bike costed A LOT of money from him and the business were not going great so he felt that he worked for nothing ect. and when i see him i immediately were able to sinchronise with him because altough not for the money but i did feel the same hurtness because of this happening. so he was more understanding then my mother were...still we could not change the past so i also supressed my pain and went on with my life and for a year i didn't have any bike-just after that i got put together a used bike from some parts-mostly used but it was greatly conditioned and that was also bartered for a job of my father's.

Here the key moment i investigate is that when i realised that i did not bring the lock to secure my *new* bike. (btw i still has that lock now)
in the days before i did not really thought about loosing my bike at all, of course my father when giving me and showing me the lock stated and teached me to always secure my bike when i leave it. but never was afraid of me loosing it. maybe he was afraid of it but it's not the point here.

so when i got off my bike and saw the rack and thought about putting my bike in it, i realised i have no means to secure it, so i immediately went to my mind to think about this, even got frose in reality literally. so i first thought
"what if someone see's it's not locked and want's a bike?"
"everyone would take a *new* bike when having an opportunity even i would"
"i can go back home and get the lock, but i don't like to work twice as much as i have to"
"fuck that bitch if it would for myself i wouldn't have to be here at all"
"i don't want to be ashamed to having to go back and here again, what would she think of me, that i'm an idiot..."
"i don't want to loose my bike"
"maybe if i'm fast enough it only takes just a minute to get in and out"
"okay act normally, act like you do lock your bike, now get in there, RUN,hurry up, look out is it still there?"
"oh it's still there"
"come on hurry, damn why can't i see it from here in the line"
"okay i'm done get out fast!"
"whoa! hey where's my bike???"
"what happened, i just saw it's here a second ago!"

also physical signs were that i started to sweat immediately and breathe shallowly, look around jumping from thing to thing, looking for humans(no one was around).

forgiveness & corrections next post...here:PART 2


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