2012-08-28

Day 95: epic FAIL!

here i write about an event where i have been possessed by the fear of the future.

It was not an instant thing where the moment before i had no fear and the next i had total fear. of course it was a build-up process which really was building up for 2 freakin years!



It was in school, university, in 2011 january, on a final exam.
yet i have to mention the reason/trigger for the building-up process which got me to the ultimate point of expressing this fear-taking over me and manifesting within not only me but in my professor too.
so in my first semester i was this up in the air, everyone's friend "i know it better" egoist person and although i was there on every lecture and class and listened on all not just slept over them i was able to 85% understand the material in a way that i could even describe those math to a five year old kid too. of course it was only information not a knowing of the things...i had some trouble with insane concepts like the backwards proofs and wiring the through but i got the concept and count compute with it mostly. yet on the first semester i failed miserably on my math exams not even passing the text part of it(it was a text part with calculations and a vocal part where you explain the chosen/drawn topic) so from that moment where i did not pass and did not meet the "normal way" standards i started to fear what will happen to me and how will i get a job ect. plenty of fears started to seed in me. the next year (because i had to skip the next semester) i took those classes again, went into the lectures and classes again, yet still was able to get to the second phase yet failed on those miserably because i could not tell the teacher the way she told me, tried more than once but failed again...i knew i say the same thing and i expressed this to her too yet she told me that "that's not the way i asked you to tell it".
so more fears and anxieties grow. next i again had to skip a semester because i could not take any classes at all so i got the dean's approval to stay and skip one more semester to be able to the third year take only those classes and get through them. so again i did the same thing walking in listening trying to get all of the concepts and learn how to do the calculations. one thing i didn't do in any of the 3 years:study much at home and practise the calculations.
but i again got through the text part of my first math class and was waiting outside with the others to the call-in to go to the speech part. there it all fell down to me.

The moment i saw the one coming out and i knew it's me who's next to go in, i got really tight, i mean before i was not really nervous by the fact that it will either pass or not with the average of "who cares!" attitude, yet when the moment arise to get up on my feet and walk in...that gave me shivers, but it was only the start for the "final run" of the bursting of the point of fear.
I went in, draw a topic, sat down to a table started to write anything i could remember although the only thing was in my mind was that i am there sitting in the place of the other who currently occupied the chair and spoke with the professor, and that sense of being in the future but it was only a still image, not an actual movie because i didn't know what the fuck will happen at all, and being an uber egoist and extra-terrestial not knowing what will happen and how will she react to me ect. it was fairly new and unknown and i feared to realise that everything i state myself and act myself to be is JUST A BIG BUNCH OF LIES. so this state got more and more heavy and tense, so i could not write too much about the topic, only some equations and formulas.
and then the moment for my testimonial has came. she asked if i'm ready or not (i was the before-the-last one) so i went to her given her the paper and sat down, sweating shaking, stiff as a rock.
the moment i saw her face looking through the paper which was 5-10 lines total i could tell it's nothing she would accept as a pass.
in that exact moment i have accepted and allowed myself the built-up fears and anxieties to literally take over me and be only a lonely observer in the dark cold nothingness. the first thought was
"i know i have no more chances"
"if i screw this up it's done it's over for me"
"what will i do if i can't prevail???"
"i will have no job, no education, nothing, i am worthless"
"i will have no money not even to pay for myself nor to pay for the tuition of this last semester"(i was only allowed to learn in the last semester if i pay tuition where in the first two i didn't had to pay anything)
"i know it's not enough for her, i see it on her face"
"how can i make a grade 2 out of this???" (here the rank is 1-5 where 1 means fail)
then the next moment came and she asked if that is all i know about the topic...i said please ask something...so she asked a question, i explained my version, and she asked again, i explained again with a little error which i fixed, then she asked again and i didn't know the answer...it was not really in the book or on the lecture so i did not remembered learning it...then she said "well you should have known this, i saw you come to my lectures in both three semesters and you are a smart guy, but if someone goes for the third on my class it should know everything i can ask!"
so this meant that i failed because she wanted me to be the best based on the amount of trys i had.
so i grabbed my index(the thing they mark your exam scores) and just hasted out from there saying swearing but also somehow being calm. i knew and even explained to her that if i fail this math i have not even a chance at the other math class (not meeting the credit requirements) this was took into no consideration. so i came back being here a bit more aware when i was leaving the building about 8mins later.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect myself to the school i am learning in.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the school i'm learning in.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the school i'm learning in trough defining myself within and as the school i'm learning in.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect failing at an exam to being a failure
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define failing at an exam within and as being a failure myself.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from failing at an exam trough defining failing at an exam within and as being a failure myself.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect being a failure myself to fear of nothingness.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define being a failure within and as being nothingness
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear nothingness and being nothingness based on fear of non-existance
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear of nothingness to fear of non-existance and to fear of death
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fear of nothingness to fear itself therefore i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear of failing an exam to fear  itself therefore i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear of non-existance to far itself therefore i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect fear of death to fear itself therefore i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the trigger point of failing at an exam to exist within and as myself

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to the trigger point of failing at an exam.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as fear of failure as a reaction to the trigger point of failing at an exam.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how the education system values me.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the value of myself to the value that i have been given by the educations system/school
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the value i give myself and the value i am being give n by the education system/school
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on the value i'm given by the education system/school
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give away my power and direction to the education system, and accept and allow any value that is assigned to me.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the value the education system/school is assigned to me.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project and judge my future life according to the value i have been given by the education system/school.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give total control to and as my mind and allow myself to be possessed by the fear of failure.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect myself to the fear of failure
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the fear of failure
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the fear of failure trough defining myself within and as the fear of failure.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be controlled by the experience of fear of failure.

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of failure and charge it negatively
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the experience of failure.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the polarity of failure/success
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the polarity of failure/sauces and my current position within the polarity.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the polarity of failure/success.

when and as i see myself connecting/defining/separating myself from the education system/school i'm in, i stop and breathe.
I realise that the current world is of systems within which we exist as in order to manage ourselves and that i am the education system myself. I see understand and realise that whatever exists in and as the education system/schools it also exists within and as myself and that what exists in me exists within and as the education system.
I commit myself to change myself according to the principle of what is best for all in the points relevant to the education system and to consider the system and it's parts as one and equal to/as myself.

when and as i see myself judging myself failing/succeeding a task, i stop and breathe.
i realise that self-judgements are not reflecting what is here in reality but only assumptions based on information&knowledge and thus not assist or support at all.
I commit myself to show that every action/activity has an effect/outcome/consequence that is neither positive(success) nor negative(failure) and only here to assist and support me in my process.

When and as i see myself fearing being a failure is stop and breathe.
I realise that failure as a condition does not exists and it' only an idea of myself based on fear of failure and fear of the future.
I commit myself to show that it is impossible to be/become failure itself and that failure is not real.

when and as i see myself fearing death/non-existence/nothingness i stop and breathe.
I realise that i am not separate from death/non-existence/nothingness as these are all parts of reality and what is here as ideas-perceptions and states-of-being.
I commit myself to stop the separation caused by these fears and show that i can still exist without fear while also existing within and as death/non-existence/nothingness.

when and as i see myself reacting to the trigger point of failing at something i stop and breathe
i realise that failing is not real but only a judgement of myself, and when i do not complete a task i only show myself that i have not prepared myself enough to complete the task.
I commit myself to show that every task can be completed by anyone and it's only my responsibility to prepare myself enough to be able to complete a task at hand.
I commit myself to when not completing a task to re-educate myself and prepare myself more until i am able to and do complete the task at hand.

when and as i see myself judging/defining myself according to assigned values of the system i stop and breathe.
I realise that i am not the values i am assigned to, but they only represent the opinion/judgement of the creators of the system and it's based on the value system of the creators of the system.
I realise that the only value here is LIFE itself and that noone can rank and value anything or anyone at all based on the principle of oneness and equality because this equates the values of all thus making evaluation invalid and unnecessary.
I commit myself to show that every being or expression of life is one and equal in all states and every moment of it's existence therefore no values exist at all here.

when and as i see myself giving up my directive principle over fears, i stop and breathe.
I realise that fears only have "power" over me when and as i allow and accept and give them. thus showing me my participation as assistance and support in seeing/understanding/realising myself here.
I commit myself to be and become my directive principle in every moment, and to not judge or hold onto moments of giving up my directive principle but bringing myself back here breathing forgiving and letting go of the points.

when and as i see myself participating within and as the polarity of failure/success i stop and breathe.
i realise that failure and success are not real and it is only me who creates the experience and polarity charge.
I commit myself to show that failure and success are only ends of a polarity construct which we use to generate energy and create more separation within and without ourselves.

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