Day 107: Power over me - part 1 - the Beggining

Ever since I can remember i know i have been participating within power-games, meaning either i wanted and been the superior, or i wanted and been the inferior.

even from the very fist of my years-those i do not have too many memories, i had been accepting and allowing myself and my brother as myself to play with power. i mean when i was born he started a "jealousy" mode and standing at a polar opposite with me, and thus in my very first years i have been abuse and used and tossed by my brother, when parent's don't see. back then i was not even aware of that as being abuse. yet i got to know what it feels to be physically get hurt by others conscious actions.


Day 106: Physical expectations

Today the most prominent point i found was that on gym class we ran the "cooper" test which is to run as much as you can in 12 minutes. we have a 400-450m long running grounds here so it's easy to see how long have you run.


Day 105: Anger - The inner flames

When looking at and investigating a memory when i experienced anger in me, i found an interesting thing...I can recall plenty of memories where i bursted out from and of anger hurting myself or others or both, yet all of them was more or less not a "in one go" type of process, rather as the problem escalated i had multiple smaller outbursts and then at the end a huge one, where i just "filled up" and then i just foght like my life would depend on it till the force stops and i take my revenge on the other.


Day 100: Memories Part 3 - The end of stupidity

originally written on:2012-09-03 at 20:06

Here is the night before i move out tomorrow, to discover new things, study, live and walk my process with others.

Day 104: Learning made fun

in my life before i went to compulsory education and walked in many schools as i have expressed before, yet only HERE i realised and understood what is the learning itself within me.

the general idea is that learning is just "acquiring knowledge and information" and being able to give back it.-regurgitate it-


Day 103: Desire to get THERE

here i will be writing down, explaining and working on an event i went through about how and when and why i encountered this point and what are the consequences i lived from there on.


Day 102: Physical placement

As i walk around, bike around, sit around and horseride around my days i realised that all i do is PLACE myself in a moment into an enviroment and activity where i as my outside reflection of myself, test myself and my starting point and my reactions, and my corrections and if i in fact live or not my commitments.

and this is really supportive and the best feedback i've ever had. I realised this while working on my seat in riding a horse, and to be aware of my position and placement of the certain bodyparts and their relative correlation to each-other in order to express a specific "poseture" in order to be able to provide physical stability and manouverability at the same time, while "being in control" meaning that the positure is not restricting any movement.

thus throught the day i concentrated on what pose or muscle state i am moving or sitting(mostly) and it is clear that all that i am is 100% reflected on my body position, tension, movement to the last hair. and i can only walk my correction when i am actually physically applying it in and as my body.

and i really noticed that i changed my movement/standing/sitting way/structure/form and  this gives again feedback too. I learn to trust and be aware of my body all the time. it takes time as every other process, yet i can now be aware of my touch and heat senses ALL around my body. there were times in the past when i was in my mind all the time and never even felt my body at all...i was just a walking cloud of thoughts/feelings/emotions and more.

and this develops too, sensing the skin, then the muscles, then the internal workings and so on. Here are plenty of processes going simultaiusly in the body which we are not aware at all, like the digestion system: the normal thinking of it is "you put in food, and shit out poo, and only concern about senses at these two occasions"

of course everyone's first step should be aware BREATHING all the time. even i can't do that yet i slowly but surely develop myself and day by day i manage to do it more at a time or at new or old "used-to situations, where i used to react or behave a certain way yet remaining here breathing assists with being able to see the common sense in my application and be able to take my stand in the points.

Physical placement can also mean that one is placed into the world(through birth) in a certain specific geogaphical place where the enviroment has it's pros and cons. which the being has to "deal with".


Day 101: Instabilisatron

I have been living my life as a normal organic robot till i started my process here, and as the saying goes everyone has ups and downs, and they follow-up each other and this makes life go round' and round'.
such "sayings" and stories are nothing else than expressing the fear and the unknown things that we THINK we cannot comprehend and because we as humanity never seen any cases that tthey were not true we JUST accept it AS IT IS as if it would be true for any and all cases to the infinity of time. without even slightly trying to comprehend or understand it, we just accept it.
I have accepted it for 23 years in my life. I've made it a rule of my life which i let to rule "my life" and thus i behaved/thinked/experienced accordingly.


Day 99: Memories part 2 - Making Life Count

as i dwelved deeper into my past and my moments of creating memories and experiances to store as memories, charging up  with pretty emotions or feelings, i got to the starting point of ALL memory related actions within me.


Day 98: Memories part 1 - meeting eye to eye

Today i started to "clean" and organise all the mess around me, no i mean literally.
trhough the 6 or so years that i 've been sleeping here i made my lil' hidey-hole just as i wanted it to be, placing things on their respective places, even if that means pile of things in a place but at one place, nicened' it up with some pretty pictures i liked, and just basically leaving my mark everywhere in the room, starting from the arrangement of the furniture showing that the computer-desk and the bed is the two most important furniture, then the boocase which is not just holding books, and then everything else around where it fits.