2012-09-23

Day 105: Anger - The inner flames

When looking at and investigating a memory when i experienced anger in me, i found an interesting thing...I can recall plenty of memories where i bursted out from and of anger hurting myself or others or both, yet all of them was more or less not a "in one go" type of process, rather as the problem escalated i had multiple smaller outbursts and then at the end a huge one, where i just "filled up" and then i just foght like my life would depend on it till the force stops and i take my revenge on the other.



Therefore there is not just one memory of me being really angry for a point but more a gradully process which is stretched in time, so to understand the whole point i have to write about the whole process not just the end part.

In my life before this process of walking self-honesty, i have been living my life as everyone else-in totel self-dishonesty or when i was self-honest to myself i just used that profound information to grab a hold of something else and take advantage of my realisation and thus be able to get into a better position.
It's pretty straight forward that i experienced anger quite a lot. i had supressed anger from the very beginning of my life as a kid towards myself lacking skills and abilities, towardsw my mom and dad and mostly my brother - but that's a whole another story. The main thing is that i have living in and off this continous and flowing anger. and yes this marked my way and created the life and the events i had to go through till this day.

The memory itself started out when i met in the physical the first girl who were into me in term of a relationship. She ("il." from now on) come to meet her chat-partner who supported her mentally and led her to realizations(not really) and being open and not forcing anything onto her.
Upon meeting her I was first anxious about it and didn't really know what to do-i mean i knew how to behave and all that but it was my first date ever. After we met and had some talk in a cafe i had been reassured by my ability to describe one's personality by looking at bodylanguage and attitude, that il. is really afraid and don't know what to do and uncertain and based on my assumption and knowledge that she should be much more "grown up" than me (she is 5 years older) i got angry that this can actually be true. i didn't take it too seriously when chatting with her online because it looked that she only contacted me when she had bad days, but when i actually seen and experienced that what i see is actually 24/7 in her, that made me angry. of course i didn't express this at all, quickly supressed this in order to be able to maintain the relationship with her.
and of course i was angry at myself that i could not "filter" this out earlier and not get to this point of wasting my time with her. (i was really dedicated and egoistic at that time)

of course by supressing this anger it did not lost, and looking through my life in those years it was there all the time in the background, and I have allowed and accepted it to "rule" over me in my actions and did not take even an attemt to stop and take responsibility for it.

from then on i got angry to her and myself pretty much all the time because of our worldview was really different. she wanted to meet more and was frustrated and i got angry why she just can't handle such little thing...of course all my anger originated from the lack of understanding and considering her point of view (ego)
also i got angry because she did not complete her own goals, or could not decide about things, demand things from me to do/behave.

here i'm talking a timespan of 2.5 years and there were A lot of these little bursts of me and my anger. i only expressed the falf of them. the other half i only expressed this "i don't know...maybe shouldn't...ah whatever" thus i got into loans and pretty much ended to spend 80% of my money giving it to her to be able to stabilise herself.
i saw it as i worked so hard and much "on her" to make her (manipulate) a better person who is able to stand on it's own feet, and whatever i did seemd irrelevant after some time because the moneysupply just drained, my ideas just left alone, her stability just came and gone and i got angry at her for not being able to being a "good human" who stays in the manipulated form, and more importantly i got angry with myself, i knew this from the beginning, that i waste my time and i am killing myself with doing this, and that i will never be able to complete this "project" and so on.

every time i got angry regarding her or our relationship from her not being able to do what i asked to me not making her do it ect. every time i ended up telling myself "i'm an idiot, i shouldn't have done this, oh i hate myself, i wish i wouldn't have done it at all" while having my hands tight and in these small bursts when i was alone probably in my bed before sleeping i did not exert my anger on anyone or anything else than my pillow or bedsheet. even in my furious outbursts i held myself strictly and firmly, holding back myself, as always, because i knew how much damage i could do if i go on a physical rampage because i was always aware of my physical capabilities.

the last time i got angry at her was the hardest of all...
We were arguing before on phone that i can't provide more money to her because i had none...and she again used the method of "in face-to-face you won't be the same" so she just told me that she's there at our house and let her in because it's cold ect.
So i go down to tell her face-to-face that i still can't give money and i don't care anymore, with full of anger in me because she used this tactic to make me more soft, because i allowed myself to react to her visual presence with firing up the niceness character and being gently and caring and considering and overemphatic and such. and i saw that she knows this and abuses this reaction of me towards her.
so i got angry to her trying to abuse me, and to myself being that stupid that i let her do it so many times she figured it out, and also that i do this character with her to keep us together to not be alone and be able to have sex basically.

so a rushed down with full of anger and i felt all the previous occasions where i got angry regarding her to rush through my mind, all those small moments of memories one by one passing through and adding up to my anger.
when i got down to the fence gate (it's high) i was really holding back on my anger, even shaking and having all my body tense, i could hardly stop myself from yelling or punching something. and so i told her to get off go away and such...the whole point of the talking was about to get her away...yet somehow i let her in the garden and so she just told many things and i haven't really listened at all, because i knew that it's just about making me feel pity and sorry for her and to help her and SOLVE her problems and be the strong personality who she can hang onto. This just made me more angry that in the middle of the night she just comes to use me more and not face herself...even got into a little fight with her grabbing her to leave...and she cried and yelled-I didn't and i was just this complete anger mode where everything i saw was through and as anger and "my point", of course she was just showing/reflecting me what i have created - the addict of me - face to face in it's down"phase" and so i had to deal with it. but i did not see this just that she shoudn't do this after all what i've done for and to her, and that she wants to mentally and financially rape me off. she made a huge scene and such, at the end she finally agreed to go and went away.
somehow i was also angry at myself that i hold back myself and not just beat the crap outa her, and that i am such a smooth boy and not showing who's boss ect. which is really interesting.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be and become anger.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself anger to exist within and as myself as the totality of my beingness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to be angry and that anger is a tool of making things happen.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to force others into something trough and as anger
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry to others who is not doing what i want them to do.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exert my anger on others who are not doing what i want them to do.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not doing what i planned myself to do
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exert my anger on myself for not doing what i planned to do.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress my anger within me and hold onto the emotions of anger within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the way of supressing emotions which i judge as i should not express them, therfore holding onto them and compounding them inside myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at others who are not directing and managing themselves based on my own application of lack of self-direction therefore i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not being able to direct myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to exert my anger on others and myself for not being self-directive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the emotions and memories of anger in order to compound and generate energy when releasing this compounded charge of emotions.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be defined by the memories and the anger within and as them.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my anger with memories and judgements about the other or myself and thus not accept and allow myself to let go of the emotions and memories of anger.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to protect myself from others who wants to use me to gain advantage in their life.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not share myself openly based on the fear of being abused/used by others.


when and as i go into being and becoming anger, i stop and breathe.
I realise that anger as the emotion does not assist or support anyone, only to reflect to the being what it has accepted and allowed itself to be and become, thus being angry at someone only reflects to me that i have points to work on.
I commit myself to stop and show that all anger is unneccecarry and that it only creates more conflict between beings and inside beings.

when and as i go into exerting my anger onto someone/something, i stop and breathe.
I realise that me exerting anger is only abusing another and participating in separation and emotions therefore it must not be accepted at all. also i realise that Anger only exists because i allow myself to exist within and as it and justify it's existance with my participation.
I commit myself to show that exerting anger towards another is only here to make the agry being realise itself to be able to stop and stand up within and for itself.

when and as i go into being angry at myself for not doing what i have planned/supposed to do, i stop and breathe.
I realise that planning and keeping to plans and limits are only ways of me limiting myself from realising myself and being angry at these points only makes me get into the mind deeper.
I commit myself to stop judgeing my actions based on my planning, and also i commit myself to stop being angry at myself for it.

when and as i go into supressing emotions such as anger i stop and breathe.
I realise that supressing and compounding emotions and feelings are only creating more havok and compounding the consequences of me participating wihtin those emotions/feelings.
I commit myself to show that supressing oneself is only making the consequences bigger and that it only lenghtens the process one has to walk.

when and as i go into holding onto memories and emotions and feeling, i stop and breathe.
I realise that holding onto such constructs are only creating more and more separation wihtin and as myself and thus limting and locking myself into and as these mind-constructs to exist only wihtin and as the mind.
I commit myself to let go of all memories/feelings/emotions that i have held onto and to show that one can express oneself without memories/feelings/emotions.

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