2012-09-25

Day 107: Power over me - part 1 - the Beggining

Ever since I can remember i know i have been participating within power-games, meaning either i wanted and been the superior, or i wanted and been the inferior.

even from the very fist of my years-those i do not have too many memories, i had been accepting and allowing myself and my brother as myself to play with power. i mean when i was born he started a "jealousy" mode and standing at a polar opposite with me, and thus in my very first years i have been abuse and used and tossed by my brother, when parent's don't see. back then i was not even aware of that as being abuse. yet i got to know what it feels to be physically get hurt by others conscious actions.



through this the points of "fear of death", and "fear of injury" and "fear of physical abuse" has been part of my life-program from the very beginning and had a major effect on the way i have developed as a child into an adult.

And interestingly trhough my fears of such things i have actually manifested plenty of injuries and physical abuse and mental abuse around me while growing up. so i have also always felt insecure and INFERIOR, and this eventually led me to being a huge egoistic person to compensate and hide the fact of my feelings of inferiority. and plenty of point connect to this one.

so i looked at this that others when bigger or stronger, i acceptem them to have power over me, and those who were weaker than me i considered that i have power over them. yet an interesting thing i did from the very beginning, i saw that being physically inferior and experiencing such expressions in the form of fights or bullying is really an awful experience to go trough and so after being 8 i decided to not make those who are inferior than me to such experiances, instead I shown them my superiority with being clever and all-knowing. because "being beaten mentally at least does not kill or injure anyone." was my justification. which is far from true-jsut as i had when a mind gets scarred the being in the physical develops habits and ways of living that is actually abusive for the body and the being so hurting someone mentally-in the realm of the mind-over-matter (which we live 24/7) it is actually physically hurting the other in the form of self-abuse. of course everyone is responsible for itself, and i am NOT blaming anyone i have been effected by in my life because all things and points have been accepted and allowed within and as me BY MYSELF. thus i am responsible for reacting in a certain way to a certain event. YET when i am triggering another's points i am equally responsible for the other being in the system of acceptance and allowance of such systems of the mind and based on this EVERYONE is responsible for everyone else AS the whole system, because the system runs only by our acceptance and allowance here.

So at home i have been beaten and abused to be inferior.
In elementary when i have arrived my brother was already walking there for two years, i don't know how but he was pretty infamous of being a fighting kid, so most of the school disliked him, and mockered him thus he answered with physical force in return. so when i got there the fact that i'm his little brother spread like a disease, and so i became the "small-huba-buba" and thus they picked on mee too just because i was his brother...interesting that kids tend to act as if one's fault's would also apply to it's brothers and sisters. i have to mention that the main population of the kids were coming from gypsy families, who were really poor and had plenty of kids in one family. and pretty much all kids were having the same personality as the others, so in their circles and culture this is a fundamental thing, that every kid has the same behaviour in one family. which shows how much a kids behaviour and way of thinking originates and effected by family enviroment.

next part will follow.

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