2012-09-17

Day 101: Instabilisatron

I have been living my life as a normal organic robot till i started my process here, and as the saying goes everyone has ups and downs, and they follow-up each other and this makes life go round' and round'.
such "sayings" and stories are nothing else than expressing the fear and the unknown things that we THINK we cannot comprehend and because we as humanity never seen any cases that tthey were not true we JUST accept it AS IT IS as if it would be true for any and all cases to the infinity of time. without even slightly trying to comprehend or understand it, we just accept it.
I have accepted it for 23 years in my life. I've made it a rule of my life which i let to rule "my life" and thus i behaved/thinked/experienced accordingly.



One case where i had experienced a sudden and steep change of energy fluctuation within me was when i ended my relationship with my G.F.
up until that day i was in complete amusement and "LOVE" with her and had various ideas about it and the relationship itself until the moment i realised "i just can't do this anymore".
this was not a thought, nor a feeling, it was the brightest realisation for the first time in human relations, that i just can't LIE and DISTORT and PLAY with someone's existance/life.

before this moment, i was really depressed and sad and LOW because i really had no money and i wanted to help her with more yet also wanted tohave some to myself too, and to be able to maintain a good living situation to her and for our relationship, and was sad about that anything i did had only a temporary effect of boost to morale and happyness and such and every time we were not together she got more and more deeply fell back to her traumas and depression. which of course i allowed to also drag me down yet push her up again and again.

at that moment i was laying in my bed, thinking about all the things i had with her, the good times and the bad times, and started to see honestly the LIES i had to put into her to keep her going ect.
and then went back more in time and tried to remember a moment in our relationship where i didn't used manipulation to have a "good meeting" or good time together. and i just couldn't.
and so i realised that all the things happened to me or her was just the consequences of my influence and manipulation and GAMEPLAYING. and that without my continuos interwention she cannot stand on her two feet for at least 5 more years of "training" with me. I've been doing this game with her for more than 2 years.
so at that moment where i was in this deep stance of depression and regred and sadness and lathargy and hatred towards myself...i immediately changed and got energetic and got full with solutions and ideas on that if i end this GAME it will solve every problem. and i got happy and full of energy, so much i actually jumped out of my bed, (it was about 9pm) and sat down my computer to play with a new game to express this thrilling "joyful" sensation the "I GOT IT! YEAH!" the feeling you get when you just win a game which is frustrating and really hard...

of course making it happen that was a WAY different thing, and that's another point to work on.

Self forgiveness:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "i have found a solution to my problems!"
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the thought "i have found a solution to my problems!"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the thought "i have found a solution to my problems!"
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts are real.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself that my thoughts are real.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what my thoughts tell me is real.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see understand and realise that my thouhgts are not myself and that they are only generated through and as my pre-programming nature of my mind and because my mind is not real, my thoughts are not real either.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe my thoughts as energy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experiance based on my thoughts.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to beleieve that the energetic experiance based on my thoughts is real.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my thoughts are me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to beleive that energy is me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to express and behave based on my energetic experiances i am experiancing.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to base my expression on my energy and believe it to be real.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think that i am lethargic and have no energy when i am in a difficult situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to the thought of "i have found a solution to my problems!" is what and who i am.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i have found a solution to my problems and that i can find a solution outside/seperate from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/become high in energy and joyful and excited when thinking "i have found a solution to my problems!"
I forgive myself that i have accpeted and allowed myself to believe that a high energy state as joy and excitement exists and it is me as who i am.

Self-commintments
When and as i go into thinking "i have found a solution to my problems!", i stop and breathe.
I realise that thoughts and what they say is not real, and do not take everything into consideration therefore thouts cannot be trusted with life or even accepted to be a directive point within a beings life/existance.
I commit myself to always consider every possible point before deciding and directing myself.

When and as i go into creating energetic experiances based on thoughts, i stop and breathe.
I realise that energy is not real, nor the experiences i create from thoughts also i realise that i do no need energy to exist HERE.
I commit myself to stop any and all participation within and as energetic experiances based on thoughts/feeling/emotions.

When and as i go into believeing my thoughts are real, i stop and breathe.
I realise that thoughts originate from my pre-programmed design within and as the mind as mere fragments of imagined reality, therefore they cannot be real, or accurate.
I commit myself to show that every thought is the same and that the consequences are inevitable upon participation within thinking.

when and as i go into expressing what is not real but a self-created illusion, i stop and breathe.
I realise that I am responsible for the experiances and illusions i create and believe them to be real, thus i realise that these are not who or what i am.
I commit myself toonly express what is here within and as the physical and what is common sense, and show that I can exist without illusions and experiances of dishonesty.


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