2012-09-21

Day 103: Desire to get THERE

here i will be writing down, explaining and working on an event i went through about how and when and why i encountered this point and what are the consequences i lived from there on.



in 2000 when i was 11 years old, and lived in Pomáz, i had many outbursts because oh my mother and my general mental safety, because most of the time i felt threatened and insecure at home, more than anywhere else...
so one day in october, i again got into a fight with my mother, i mean verbally, because i refused and rejected to do what she wanted from me-alcohol and cigarettes-so after yelling at each other and she starting to get physical to grab/hit me, i got fed up with it and just bursted out of the house, running away, i was so angry and full of hate and disgust that i just ran till the corner and just walked away...i heard her yelling to go back and "i didn't wanted this" and such but i just went on.

through walking i was all in my head, thinking about what she did, and all nasty things about her to feed my anger and hatred towards her, having thoughts about what would have she done to me if i wouldn't leave and how i am fed up with her abuse both towards herself and towards me. i was outraged about this...walked quite a bit all around, i didn't look where i'm going just moved my feet and had those thoughts/emotions flow all over, and take over, just keep going.

after about an hour or so, i got "back" to myself and looked around, i was standing in the middle of the street which i have never been to, i didn't know where i am or how i got there. the whole town is built on a hill but also has smaller hills at the foot of it so the view is quite far when nothing protudes in front of you like a house.
So the thing a woke-up to is that i am standing on the empty street (it was saturday) and that i can see the neigbhouring town in the distance. and that town is about 10-20Km away. i stood on a hill-top part and the street was sloping down in front of me and between the houses i could see really far to the town, and that view just amazed me first. and i saw that the road leads there. so i thought "let's go there!" because i thought that if i go far enough then i will be free from her abuse and all the bad things i had to live through every day. and so i walked and walked on that street, constantly having this amazing view in front of me with the distant town and this was a really peacful picture for me. all i wanted is see this and want to forget all the pain and suffering and abuse of my life. i wanted to be there, on the perfect place.

of course after walking and watching a while i got to the bottom of the road and the view was gone and had to realise that i have to go home for food and shelter so i aligned myself according to the sun and started to go home, i had a good sense of map already then. but this picture remained forever in me and i made it the symbol of freedom/happiness/joy/fulfillment/life. and from there on when i was so down i just thought of this picture/experiance and it lifted my pain, while actually i just supressed and compressed it down. even today this picture is vivid as if it was yesterday. it is clear i cannot allow this to remain this way, because this is just a running away reaction to my own self-abuse and only creates more and more abuse and suffering and consequecial outflow.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from harmony through accepting and allowing myself to define my stability outside and seperate from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to CREATE the illusion of peace and harmony and seperate myself from theese points and believe that these are "states of being" that i can achieve/aqcuire
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to escape from physical conflict in order to protect myself and others from me.
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see understand and realise that wanting to protect myself and others is only an excuse to create/exist and participate within and as "the good guy" character.(later i'll write it out)
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear hurting someone or getting hurt from agression.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect fear of hurting someone from agression to fear itself therefore i forgive myself myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear agression or being agressive.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the fear of agression to fear itself therefore i forgive myself for accepting and llowing myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the picture of "a calm sunset and a town in the distant at the end of a road" to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect this picture of a sunset to the idea of peace and harmony.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from this picture of a sunset and from peace and harmony through connecting this picture to peace and harmony.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from peace and harmony.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seek peace and harmony outside/seperate from myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to shearch/seek myself seperate from myself.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the thought "i want to get there"
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think "i want to get there" in both physical meaning and as a mental state.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself the desire the "get there".
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be posessed by the desire to "get there".
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from "there" and believe that something exists oustside/seperate from me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i can get/achieve something that i seperate from me and is "there"
I forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to see understand and realise that the thing i seek/shearch/desire that is "there" is actually myself which i have seprerated myself from.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to follow/live by my desires/wants
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate within wants/desires and not be here within and as the totality of myself as one and equal.

when and as i go into seperating myself from peace/harmony, i stop and breathe.
I realise that peace and harmony are only picture presentations and illusions i created and are only existing to distract and seperate me from myself and limit myself from being here within and as myself as all as one and equal.
I commit myself to show that peace and harmony are only illusions that will never bring a real change in this world and that all beings must work wihtin and as the physical in order to create what is best for all.

when and as i go into evading/escaping from physical conflict, i stop and breathe.
I realise that physical conflicts are a consequential outflows of my participation within and as the mind as thoughts/feelings/emotions/ideas/beliefs, and that i cannot escape my responsibility of my participations.
I commit myself to work on solutions that are best for all parties concerned in physical conflicts and to show that every situation has a solution that is best for all without compromising any of the participant's value(which is life itself and equal for all)

when and as i go into escaping/evading reality by thinking about/going into a picture presentation, i stop and breathe.
I realise that pictures are not real and by going into/thinking about them i only supress myself and abuse myself and also not look at the points i am participating wihtin.
I commit myself to stop and delete all pictures/images wihtin myself and stop evading/escaping my responsibility to face myself and take back to myself the points i come across.

when and as i go into wanting/desireing to "get there", i stop and breathe.
I realise that no such thing exists as "there" as a seperate thing from me, and that it is only me who is seperating myself from myself to create the draw to seek/shearch for myself and feel/experiance myself as inferior/less.
I commit myself to bring myself back here whenever i participate wihtin and as shearching or seeking something, and open up the point and realise that i am here and everything is me here one and equal wihtin and as myself.

when and as i go into wanting to achieve/get something or someone, i stop and breathe.
I realise that nothing exists seperate from me, thus i cannot get/achieve something outside of myself.
I commit myself to show that I can progress and walk my process and life in time without wanting to achieve or get things, and motivating myself with such illusions.


ShareThis