Day 99: Memories part 2 - Making Life Count
the starting point itself is fear of death. but actually how it came to be...and why we have not many memories from childhood? remained a question, so getting into those let's see how it all started...of course with me and my reaction to my enviroment.
when looking for the first memory i can see, only a word comes up, which is important: "special"
i know for a fact because my parents also told me and because of my family setup, that i have been told this word from the beginning, and to enforcen the feeling of being different and seperate from my brother, and that i'm special because i do this and that and are very creative thinker and clever boy. and in our situation our parents did not live with us all day long, i mean of course they have always kept an eye on us but not participated in activities so much, and basically my father was mostly out-to-work and mother was really busy with herself doing things around the house and taking care of herself, so lived in a kinda lonely enviroment where the most interactions is got was from my brother who were forcing me to certain uncomfortable or painful situatuions based on jealousy and he-knows-what-else. also while starting school i asked around the family situation of classmates and everyone had "better" parents who took the time to be with their child actively.
also mostly i remembered what i wanted to and not everything that i was asked for in school, if it was interesting i could recall THE WHOLE CLASS all those 45mins of information but when i was bored or lazy or ignorant, then the only thing i knew that i was there at that time...and maybe the topic.
so i wanted to keep myself special. i wanted to proove who and what i am, and wanted to remain indefinately in time in the things i did. this is what i later called "making my life count" thus hiding behind an illusion of giving my participation and past to humanity when in fact it was all self-interest driven.
these qualities or wants or goals i have learned from my enviroment and from my parents...i never cared about my future in my early years nor with the present, but i was obsessed with my past which of course led to plenty of hiding of points and blame and manipulation and many other things.