2012-09-02

Day 99: Memories part 2 - Making Life Count

as i dwelved deeper into my past and my moments of creating memories and experiances to store as memories, charging up  with pretty emotions or feelings, i got to the starting point of ALL memory related actions within me.



the starting point itself is fear of death. but actually how it came to be...and why we have not many memories from childhood? remained a question, so getting into those let's see how it all started...of course with me and my reaction to my enviroment.

when looking for the first memory i can see, only a word comes up, which is important: "special"
i know for a fact because my parents also told me and because of my family setup, that i have been told this word from the beginning, and to enforcen the feeling of being different and seperate from my brother, and that i'm special because i do this and that and are very creative thinker and clever boy. and in our situation our parents did not live with us all day long, i mean of course they have always kept an eye on us but not participated in activities so much, and basically my father was mostly out-to-work and mother was really busy with herself doing things around the house and taking care of herself, so lived in a kinda lonely enviroment where the most interactions is got was from my brother who were forcing me to certain uncomfortable or painful situatuions based on jealousy and he-knows-what-else. also while starting school i asked around the family situation of classmates and everyone had "better" parents who took the time to be with their child actively.

so from early on i had an idea of myself being special, and of course i defined myself with what i do as every kid, but i wanted to KEEP myself special and thus to have some form of validation and EVIDANCE that i am special so i started to remember things i did. i didn't had a great sense of time yet i knew what i do most often and so on. even more interestingly i made human interactions more important than doing things alone for my own pleasure, but kept both of them.
also mostly i remembered what i wanted to and not everything that i was asked for in school, if it was interesting i could recall THE WHOLE CLASS all those 45mins of information but when i was bored or lazy or ignorant, then the only thing i knew that i was there at that time...and maybe the topic.

so i wanted to keep myself special. i wanted to proove who and what i am, and wanted to remain indefinately in time in the things i did. this is what i later called "making my life count" thus hiding behind an illusion of giving my participation and past to humanity when in fact it was all self-interest driven.
these qualities or wants or goals i have learned from my enviroment and from my parents...i never cared about my future in my early years nor with the present, but i was obsessed with my past which of course led to plenty of hiding of points and blame and manipulation and many other things.

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