2012-10-11

Day 116-117: THE LOVE of LIES

i do not make easy to pinpoint the day/moment i started to participate in this point...this again was kinda a smooth transition as all my major fuckups, yet there were key elements/moments that ensured that my actions cause my doom, and i can't even say that i was not aware of the possible consequences i create for myself yet i just did it.


as the title says it, I too accepted and allowed myself to fall for the greatest self-trap humanity has ever been in: "selfish love of another human".

in 2007 i was already an egoistic bullshitter, running amok on the internet, praying my stuff on chat-site in different magic-topicked rooms where i found the people to my liking- they were not afraid of strange things and all seeked answers to anything they could not understand. so there i went to watch them and after some time tell them what the fuck they are doing wrong and why things happen and that the world does not work as they THINK it is.
from a mind perspective it went great, because i dared to say what everyone knew but couldn't see in front of their nose...and thus made some friends this way, of course made a few enemies too because "they just wanted to know better".
of course there just happened to be a woman who were a bit more insecure within so she started to have converstaions with me, telling her story and her sad and miserable life, and i listened and read all that she wrote and given here and there some tips/advice to do in order to solve her issues. in that time i really also believed that i HAVE TO help those that i have reached because i must use my knowledge to create a better world by changing other people's lives by telling them what to do. :lol

Long story short we had many chats, for 4-5 months or so plenty of advice and pushing her to change herself, which kinda worked but never the way i planned because there were always some missed detail that changed everything that she didn't tell me. then after those chats-we were kinda silently agreed that we are friends and even met face to face, but that apart from it's weirdness didn't made that "kick-in" for me to fall in love.
there were one night altough which changed MANY things-maybe everything but still i can't see all the consequences of it.

that night, in fall, in 2009, we met again, because she came into the city to arrange some educational admissions, and she called me if i wanted to hang around. I said yes because i got tired of playing again, and felt alone, and were happy to be with a girl and just enjoy myself differently. so we went and ate at a FastFoodrestaurant had a pleasant chat and dinner together, then went for a walk while slowly we walked to her bus-stop for her trip home, i escorted her because she asked, and it was night, she feared and we used to, i escorted her for the 4-5th time.
so we got to the stop and the bus came, and she just turns to me and asked: "are you coming?"
phew that was the first ever moment when i felt all crazy inside out, all the facts and the pros and cons just literally filled my mind and i had an epic fight inside myself of whether i sould go or not 250Km away without any luggage or stuff just myself and the money i have, out of friendship. but i had no time, the bus was waiting, the line was going, i HAD TO answer. and i didn't want to let her down, and trash my image of being the best mentor she can find, and the one who knows-it-all. then suddenly a huge fear arose and put aside any other smaller ones (see forgivenesses) that "what if i say no and she will then end all relationship because i could not vote for her choice". and that fear decided everything: i said YES. i had the feeling of "this is no good" "i shouldn't do this running away untold uninformed trusting an insecure woman with my life" but that fear just win over it. i even voiced my anxiety about my grandma i lived with and that i have nothing with me, but of course she had an answer to everything that SOUDED nice. but this was not the love-starter one YET.
on the whole trip i was really anxious and nervous about the whole thing, even my phone was nerly dead so i turned it off without telling anyone i'm gone, and had only small bits and pieces of chat here and there. when we finally got there after 2-3hours of bustravel and hopped off at her house interestingly i changed into "well i'm here now, let's see what comes out of this situation!" and kinda got eager and looked forward on what will happen.

this was my first sleepover ever at another. i never had one while being a kid, i only went to camps and vacations with class and such but never a PJparty or anything. of course it was exciting and strange being 20 with a girl who is 25 in the same room after a fun night...wondered what could happen.
It was a cold night especially there, the air has even frosen on the windows, and it was around 18°C in the rooms (not much heating) so after some TV and late-dinner we wnet to bed...to the same bed...whoa man a day where i had plenty of first-timers at once. of course i was sparking with energy-i mean mentally.
so we got talking in the dark about some stuff and got closer and turned facing each other...and ended up kissing(again first time) not so hard just as a novice.
that was the peak moment and the start of my fall for a looong time.

of course my mind were just racing with information and thoughts and ideas and projections because all the time i tried to do what i always did "know what's coming for sure" i was so topped that i caught myself breathing heavily and kinda loosing my ground (before any action happened) then somehow the talking in the dark and then the physical comfort of her closeness and body somehow calmed down the racing horses(actually just supressed and changed the topic of them by me) and got me to focus on this thing:love-construct.
after the first kiss, while being cuddleing and legs all around and we were intertwined with our limbs i booted up this construct, placing her and myself into a special place, establishing MANY relationships between things, realigning myself to best fit the new priorities and demands. sticking those moments, screetching them into my mind and transferring/chargeing them with all the energy i had then.

self-forgiveness:
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to decide in a situation without considering the possible consequences i create for both myself and others invovled.










I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be selfish about what i do with whom, based on the belief that it only concernes me and the one i'm doing it with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make selfish decisions based on the fear that others can manipulate and change it, therefore putting myself into a defensive state where i defend my choice from everyone else, even from myself because i know exactly that it is not best for anyone.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear self-honesty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear making a decision in total self-honesty.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to supress common sense investigation, in order to get the goal of my plan, and to ignore the obvius fact that i can only achieve that goal by abusing myself as well as others.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others based on the fear that i will not reach my goal otherwise.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be in a relationship, even if it's abusive.
 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be in a relationship because i fear being alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being alone.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect being alone to fear itself, thus i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be in a relationship because i want/desire to experience unconditional touch of another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from unconditional touch based on the belief that i can only experience it when i'm in a close relationship with another human.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to see understand and realise that i can give unconditional touch without any prequisites.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be in a relationship because of the want/desire to experience sex.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider the amount of committment that a true relationship agreement requires.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to prioritize experiencing sex over everything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider any consequences of sex, or establishing and maintaining a relationship with another.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to feel LOVE.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the experience of love to exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create the experience of love within and as myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the feeling of love is superior to me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see/understand and realise that i am the one who gives all the power to the love-construct and thus i am enslaving myself, and also hiding this fact from myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowign myself to want/desire to be in a relationship because i want to experience the feeling of love.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to experience love as a positive feeling.

when and as i go into making decisions while not considering all the fact and consequences, i stop and breathe.
I realise that by only estimating and judging, and assuming an end result i am actually stating my inability to take responsibility for myself.
I commit myself to investigate all aspects before a decision and to decide based on the principle of what is best for all. furthermore i commit myself to show that judging, assuming and estimating an end-result or consequence can NEVER lead to what is best for all, thus it will ALWAYS end up being a form of abuse.

when and as i go into being selfish in my considerations, i stop and breathe.
I realise that in this existance everyone is all one and equal thus everything is a result of way more than two being's actions and interactions, thus an equasion that EXCLUDES almost all of existance cannot be accurate.
I commit myself to show that selfishness is a hiding-construct in order to not take self-responsibility and always a sign of EGO.

When and as i go into fearing others inteference with my decisions, i stop and breathe.
I realise that every being is someway or another interferes with all, also I realise that if i cannot stand as one and equal with my decision stable then that decision is not based on what is best for all, and cna lead or contain some form of abuse or self-dishonesty.
I commit myself to stand as one and equal to all my decisions that are based on the principle of what is best for all.

here are a lot of decisions made every moment...and also i live the consequences of my previous decisions whatever they were based on, so this is as all of the points takes a gradual change that takes time, and while i walk through the consequence of my previous decisions when i make new ones from now i can stand as self-honesty and decide what is best for all and accumulate these decision's consequence over time

when and as i go into wanting/desiring to be in a relationship, i stop and breathe.
I realise that selfish relationships are based on self-dishonesty and abuse therfore cannot be allowed.
I commit myself to apply and show that every being can co-exist within an equal and one agreement with each other and all the other beings in existance.

when and as i go into fearing being alone, i stop and breathe.
I realise that i am alone no matter what i do, because we are all one here, thus fearing what is here is unacceptable
I commit myself to show that I can stand alone and walk and direct myself on the principles of what is best for all in equality and oneness here.

when and as i go into seperating myself from touch, i stop and breathe.
I realise that i am both who touches, the touch itself and the one i'm touching, therefore i am always only giving myself the support within and as the physical AS touch to see understand and realise myself here.
I commit myself to touch everything and anything unconditionally, and to allow myself the assistance and support of the physical here.

when and as i go into wanting/desireing sex, i stop and breathe.
I realise that sex is a complex mind construct which requires extensive work and debunking, thereforeany participation within it without me working on/with those points would only support the mind constructs.
I commit myself to investigate and work on points connected to sex, and stop the energetic nature of my participation and walk the journey to discover my self-expression in it.

when and as i go into wanting/desireing the feeling/experience of love, i stop and breathe.
I realise that love in only a mindconstruct i have accepted anda allowed myself to rule over me and also a justification to many abuse.
I commit myself to stop my participation within the love-construct and show that beings can co-exist without any point of love as it currently exists here.


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