2012-10-13

Day 118: Stillness

Here while now staying in a small town, and not going back to the capital for the weekend, i 'have' plenty of time to examine myself and the enviroment i'm in.



most students who's staying in the dorm goes home for almost all weekends and because school ends on thursday usually it's really quiet from friday to sunday. maybe 20-30 stay from the 500-550, less than 10%.
i also noticed that this quieter enviroment fires up yet another character in me, the still character.
being quiet, more listening, a bit more lazy, time running by, and wanting to capture the moments in a forever still picture within my mind. collecting and analyzing data and creating summaries and assumptions based on the running events of the week.
and when the next "workday" comes i again switch back to what i used to do...this is unacceptable and is a stupidity loop i suffocate myself with.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the trigger point of non-working-day" to exist within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the trigger point of "non-working-day"
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest the stillness character.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want/desire to capture a moment wihtin my mind as an image, in order to lenghten that moment.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to still a moment, because of fear of loosing moments.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect myself to moments i experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself by the moments i experience.
I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to seperate myself from the moments i experience by defining them as seperate from me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear loosing momnets because of the belief that i am only the collection of moments as memories/pictures.
I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to fear loosing memories and pictures in my mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect memories and pictures of my mind with my"self".
i forgive myself for accepting andallowing myself to define myself with and as the memories and pictures i have collected and astored within and as the mind.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear loosing myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing myself and existing without captured moments as memories and pictures.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear existing without the mind.

when and as i go into wanting/desiring to still a moment by capturing it, i stop and breathe.
I realise that no moment can be "captured" or made forever yet every moment is here as one and equal as what i am and have accepted and allowed myself to be and become.
I commit myself to show that memories and pictures in the mind are only to create and keep the illusion of past/present/future as time and to keep myself trapped into that which i define myself within and as.

when and as i go into fear of loosing memories/pictures, i stop and breathe.
I realise that i cannot loose anything, morover i cannot loose what has never been existing at all and been just an illusion i have created and maintained.
I commit myself to let go of all memories and pictures and all the defining of myself within and as them, also to remove any and all energetic charge applied to the above things, and to end the illusion of time in the mind.

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