Day 119: the Truth of a SocioFobic

I have been very much obsessed with truth before this process, and created whole bunch of shit just to satisfy my never ending thirst to knowledge and truth of existance.

In the first memories i can recall regarding this point is the attitude and handleing of my parents and my brother with me. i came second in the family, and as soon as i have arrived my brother started to "play" superiority games, and acting out jealousy and fear and of course because i was the weaker and i couldn't do anything about it, he projected this onto me and expressed with physical abuse or dominance.
Also i have been very intrigued by the world i'm in so i had plenty of questions when i could speak. But as all the kids i got answers i could not understand or accept, but i got "drowned in authority" to accept it just because.

Therefore by these i have created this character within me to while always SEEKING the ultimate truth, also not trust other's truth, but my own assumptions and concepts and summaries of things.
Thus by using this system i have accepted myself to accept this self-created truth to be seperate from me because it was based on my carefully designed matrix of information and knowledge, which again i believed being seperate from me.
This created a polarity where i placed my self-assumed and summarised information superior to other's and only accepting my own self-truth, which later led to my EGOistic behaviour and self-rightousness.

But there were points to which i could not find a collection of answers...these only came into question when i started to "ripe" in highschool, where i seeked answers to more general questions and about this existance and beingness and origins and all those "big" questions, that even scientist shearch for answer.
So because i cannot find an acceptable answer-religions were bullshit and the big bang sounded too childish too- i took myself and created one out of thin air. i'm not wirting it down in detail, because it would take a whole book, the main thing is that i have placed myself in this creation-theory, which i believed to be the absolute truth.
what i realised before this is that every human have the same, equal amount of "power" in terms of creating things/events. and as i saw it then humanity seemed to be alien on this planet.

The base of the whole thing were that once there were a mass of beings, like free flowing atoms in a cloud, but also more beings come into existance continuosly, so some of the beings figured out a way to manage the situation and created "universes" as planets and so any being could voluntarely go into that universe to not be outside of it and do there whatever it wants. altough getting out is only allowed in really rare occasions. so i was one of these creators, who escaped from the other one's because i made an exception while working ect. and i'm here on earth as a vacational hiding.
i had answers for reincarnation, memories, relationships, conspiracies and anything i came into contact with i made a perfect answer to it.

i had even stories of "my favorite world" and had a governor from that world, that i spoke with-of course illusionary friend :D, but the main thing is that i really almost never spoke about this. i took it for granted, it was my ultimate truth and case closed. I only shared this with a few "specially selected" people who i seen to be able to comprehend it. and because i made pretty good assumption and investigations they accepted it and this feeded my feeling that i'm right this IS the truth.
But throguh all this i really really was afraid of other's, based on my previous life and experiences i knew that only a selec few will be able to accept me as who i am, thus i rarely shared myself openly.
I would never even thought of doing something like this here.

The more things i realised in this false truth of myself the more others acknowledged it the more i got wirgh in terms of telling solutions...because i never shared my system but shared my oppinions and advice freely because i already realised that by the right amount of information everyone can be manipulated with the precise timing. so i choose friends and sprayed my advice onto them at the right time, and eventually ended up manipulating them, but this was interestingly not abusing them because when i considered giving advice i always used empathy and looked at what would be the best for them. altough i admit that "best for all" and "best for one" is never the same. so this way it was abuse because i have supported their selfishness, and ego, in turn they did the same with me, support wise.
So i not only decieved myself but decieved others as well and shown how easy it is to decieve humans. I understood oneness and equality seperately, not together. also there were no point of responsibility within me, i just knew i have to keep my mouth shut, and be careful with others.

When i got into Desteni, i first tried to get to know many info on it and incorporate into my own "worldview" and thus use it to be a better being in selfishness.only much later on had i realised my con and had to start over again with clearing my starting point of education myself and walking this process.

 I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seek the truth outside of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting nad allowing myself to beleive that truth is something outside of myself
I forgive myself that i haev accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from truth.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing others in my world, and their actions with me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself within and as my theories and lies.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create a creation theory because i feared to face reality within and as who and what i am.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from the reality as myself within and as who and what i am here.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to keep myself in the illusion of truth based on fear of self.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny the facts of my actions and responsibilities based on my illusion of truth.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to a closed system of truth and believe it to be real and only one existing.

when and as i go into creating separate truth outside of myself, i stop and breathe.
I realise that nothing exist seperate from me not even truth, thus seeking and creating one outside of myself is only self-deception therfore it is self-dishonesty.
I commit myself to apply self-honesty in every investigation i make.
I commit myself to stop seeking truth outside of myself and show that no truth exists here but the actual reality of who and what we are and have become.

when and as i go into self-dishonesty, i stop and breathe.
I realise that self-dishonesty is always abuse of self and only creates more points to work on and also allows the system of abuse to continue existing the way it is currently
I commit myself to be self-honest in my application and walk this process from the starting point of equality and oneness and what is best for all.

when and as i go into fearing other beings, i stop and breathe.
I rewalise that i am not seperate from any being here, and other beings walk the same process i do, therefore fearing them equals to fearing myself which is just hiding from the inevitable.
I commit myself to show that every being is in fact one and equal, and that all beings can co-exist together in a system that is best for all.