2012-10-28

Day 128: Abusing self for others

I've had many thoughts and points come up where i seen myself to hold back myself from doing something.


not from the point of "what they will think of me" but rather "what will they react to that" meaning i feared other's actions and reaction to my certain specific behaviour/actions.

I have gone far with placing myself into other's shoes and forgot to consider my own standing within the equasions. i feared and assumed what the others would do and forgot about my standing regarding the thing i would do. in this case, processing myself here, in writing.
Nor did i consider the fact that they can't even understand english this much to be able to comprehend what i do or what i speak aloud.

So yes my abuse of myself originates from fear. fear of myself. fear of getting into a worse position/situation than i am currently. beliefs, assumptions, thoughts, personalities, characters, all because i accept and allow them, because i do not take responsibility for all what i am and what i have accepted nad allowed myself to be and become.

Yet here i am, this is what i am currently:fears, judgements, beliefs and lies.for more than 20 years i have lived in and as these, it's not one day to solve them.

I forgive myself that ih ave accepted and allowed myself to participate in the system design of respect.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to respect another's state of being, based on that i want to be respected in that same state of beingness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to respect another's relaxation based on that i want other's to respect me when i relax.
i forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to want and desire silence when i'm relaxing.
I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to project my want and desire of silence onto others and assume they would want and desire the same.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to decide and act based on assumptions instead of common sense.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect silence with relaxation.
I forgive myself that i have accepted nad allowed myself to define relaxation within and as silence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to seperate myself from relaxation and silence by defining relaxation within and as silence

i continue in the next post...

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