I have been falling all the time in the last month...not failing but "lost" myself in aligning myself with the changed situation/enviroment and thus just acted like a death-scared animal in a forest fire. running around amok in my thoughts and systems trying to find the best possible solution FOR MYSELF ONLY which made me neglect myself and plenty of my worked points, so this shows that i had my buttons pressed and i do reacted to them.
Yes i took more responsibilities, have more things to do while learning at the school here too, having to manage my time more effectively to meet my requirements, yet this is about if i can show myself that i am who i am in every situation. all that are only reactions to certain elements are only energy-driven reactions and NOT self-committed self-directed movements/walking. So i had plenty of this and i do realise myself while doing it. so i begin a journey of point by point, working on them and walking them out till nothing else but me remains. while always considering what is best for all.
So here i stand and reinforce myself that i am walking the writing every day, working on my process every day, applying the tools of self-forgiveness, and self-correction every day, doing my school responsibilities, doing my process responsibilities and also allowing myself to learn other things like german and guitar. yes i know i only have 18 or so hours/day but it's more than enough!
and one more thing that is absolutely certain: I am not turning back or stopping everything completely. not from pride or ego, nor the want to complete such things, but I am this, if i would not stand FOR MYSELF HERE, then i am not even slightly worth tham i am part of this existance...because abuse and doing nothing gets me to where noone comes back...only suffering and pain and endless cycles of insanity.