2012-11-12

Day 135: BE Happy please!

(2008-while shearching through my pictures
i could not find one where i was really "happy"
)
My first encounter with happiness is of course was shortly after i was born...altough i cannot remember it or recall it at all i know that it was the first time i got into contact with it...when the child is handed to the mother after birth she feels happy...for that one moment of seeing me...and that is the first moment where i met this point.


even if i'm myself was not involved in happiness for a long time i was surrounded by it. yet also i was sorrounded with sadness too. when my paren'ts got sad that they can only do so much they can afford in their monetary situation. i mean we were never poor yet never really rich either...just had enough to survive and have a basic comfort levels met, meaning houshold wares and medicore entertainment products.
also my brother was mostly sad because in his view i "took" away the attention he had before from our parent's thus he did many things to "gain" that attention back. even if it meant physical abuse done to me.
when i grew older and started to be able to do things on my own, meaning without intervention, crawl-walk,eat ect. in those moments where i showed that i am able to do them they got happy, for that one moment...and of course all the reactions and affirmations came after those.
also later while in schoolS and getting grades they got happy or mostly sad about them...and giving me the reactions...and mainly this is why i didn't show my grades to them very often...i just didn't want to make them sad and dissapointed. not that i wanted to have them happy but just "not sad" because i was very aware that their life have enough misery without me causing havok in it.
of course this just made it worse because then they also got angry about why i didn't show it "in time", like they would have done anything about it LOL.

so i've built this idea that people are either happy or sad, whatever happens, and if they are sad then they pull me down too, but when they are happy i can be happy with them. kinda enjoying other's happiness got me, where i don't have to care about "what" i am happy about but just "feast" with them on whatever. and from this "i don't want to work for my happiness, i'd rather take yours" mentality i started to help others. help in their shearch for happiness. it was more rewarding because as a bonus i also got their "friendship" and attention and care towards me...2 for 1 deal. and this shows that the whole starting point of it is selfishness. "i want more happiness and others who make me happy, without me doing a damn thing"

so i've experimented with ways to be able to interviene into other's lives and psyche with the least effort/resistance and still have the most effect possible. so i've made a couple of enemies in this process yet after it, making friends were easier than for anyone...and because while growing up i've changed schools often i didn't had to care about being responsible for the changes i have created in other's lives.
all of this because i wanted happiness above all. still what's the root of wanting to be happy?

fear. fear of nothingness, fear of lack of enery related to death...because me as a mind system is only able to exist out of energy...without it there's no mind...and happiness is a huge burst of it.
what happens when i'm not happy NOR sad? nothing...i have spent most of my time being sad about being NOT happy...and this is just being stuck in the polarity and not letting go of it.

also an interesting point is that the moment i was "happy" in that moment nothing else seemed to exist. same with sadness. like in that moment i've supressed everything, every sensing, or emotion or feeling and just been sad/happy.

without happiness and without sadness stability exists only...so let's forgive and commit myself to stabilise myself here.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as the polarity of happiness and sadness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself the polarity of happiness/sadness to exist within and as myself.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from happiness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see understand and realise that i am supressing myself by participating within and as the polarity of happiness/sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to supress myself to experience happiness/sadness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect happiness/sadness to being alive.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being happy or sad.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect the fear of not being happy or sad to fear of death.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be happy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to make other people happy, so that i can be happy.
I forgive myself that i have acceptede and allowed myself to abuse myself AND others in order to fulfill the want to be happy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect happyness with positive/good/right
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect sadness with negative/bad/wrong.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within and as the polarity of happiness/sadness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate others to make me happy, without considering the consequences i create in their life or mine.

also many times i have been wondering and "calculating" before a decision if an outflow will make me happy or sad both long and short term and actually decided based on this.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to make decisions from my life based on happiness/sadness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to decide about other's action based on my want of happiness.
I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to consider all the consequential outflows of my actions and interactions with others, but only look at the possible energy as happiness i can make/create.

and with happiness it is like energy-because it is energy-and it's a drug for the mind and i did made myself addicted to it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect happiness to energy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define happiness within and as energy.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to seperate myself from happiness and from energy by defining happiness within and as energy.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be addicted to happiness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and lalowed myself to be addicted to energy based on fear of death.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the addiction to energy with the addiction to happiness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be posessed by the addiction of happiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be posessed by the addiction to energy.
I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see understand and realise that i am addicted to energy and through that i am addicted to happiness

so how do I stop an addiction? by stopping my participation and committing myself to it:
When and as i go into participating wihtin and as the polarity of happiness/sadness, i stop and breathe.
I realise that being happy/sad is only an illusion i created and is extensive abuse to the physical.
I commit myself to show that happiness and sadness is only limiting and distracting me from realising myself and stopping the abuse i do to myself.

When and as i go into participating within and as the addiction of happiness, i stop and breathe.
I realise that happiness is only abusing myself while supressing everything i am, thus it only compunds the abuse.
I commit myself to stop abusing myself based on supressing myself.

When and as i go into participating wihtin and as the addiction of energy, i stop and breathe.
I realise that energy is not required to exist HERE and it's only used to fuel the systems of abuse within and as myself.
I commit myself to show that by fuelling the systems of abuse are only creating more and more self-abuse and suffering within and without my world.
I commit myself to show that I can exist without energy of the mind, thus that i can exist withut the mind, because both is only an illusion i have created.

When and as i go into interacting and reacting with and as others from the starting point of wanting to make them happy to make me happy, i stop and breathe.
I realise that maniulating others based on selfishness is being dishonest with myself and stating that separation exists, which is in fact is only an illusion i created.
I commit myself to share myself with others based on the principle of oneness and equality, while considering the consequential outflows of my actions regarding both beings.


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